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Am I handling this right?

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July 13, 2017
6 upvotes

I swallowed the pill 18 months ago shortly after the birth of my first child. I bent over backwards to support my wife during her pregnancy; turns out women treat footstools like footstools. Go figure.

Since then: long-winded backstory you should skip, I type too much

I've been lifting. I started out doing 5x5 Stronglifts for a year until I hit a plateau. Switched to crossfit just for the summer (the only gym in this small town with competent coaches) to improve my form. I'm aware of the high injury rate and am staying risk-averse. I'm there to learn form, lift heavy things, and be social with the best looking group in the county, NOT to compete. Currently 5'11", 170 lbs (a huge step up from 145 lbs last year).

I'm up to Level 5 of Dread Game. I'm always working on building frame. It was slow going with the newborn at first and had a few setbacks. I had to revisit step 1 of dread a few times; my frame regularly needs a tune-up. I still sometimes mistake comfort tests as shit tests.

Doing my best to own my shit around the house. I haven't played videogames regularly for two years now. Wife is, objectively speaking, a very demanding person that holds herself and everyone around her to impossibly high standards. She struggles to maintain friendships because of this. It is clear that I also continue to disappoint her; despite generally being on top of things. Lately my goal is to own the family calendar. I've hung a calendar on the fridge and am making sure our schedule is mapped out ahead of time so I don't have to defer to her about scheduling. The garage door got stuck yesterday, so I spent some time after work tinkering with it to no avail.

I've read NMMNG, WISNIFG, most of Rollo Tomassi's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and everything web-based on the sidebar. I'm behind on some of the paperback readings because I have trouble finding times to do my reading in privacy (don't want her to find out about fight club; could use some tips on how you all do this). Started doing audiobooks on my commute last month which I would recommend, btw. It helped me pound out WISNIFG in two weeks. Not all, but many of the RP sidebar books are on Audible.

Work is going great. I'm spending more than I'm earning right now as I'm buying a business to flip with my brothers; wife is a bit uneasy about this but I've been DGAF on the shit tests and doing better at comfort tests. If this deal goes through, it's going to be an easy ship to turn around. If not, we're still stable; although she's always been nervous about money... even with 0 student loans, 6 month emergency savings and 401k's. I usually DGAF about her worries here.

Early on after taking the pill, I went a bit red-pill rambo. Set up a Tinder account way back when to practice my text game. It's a shitty app unless you have a good shirtless gym selfie, and 5x5 Stronglifts doesn't build the biceps and pecs enough for my physique requirements. I'm and idiot, and never deleted my account. I move on to less pathetic more applicable practice: talking to everyone I see, flirting with waitresses and cashiers and women at the gym. I'm not trying to pull numbers yet, just working on banter and social cues.

Eventually her divorced former classmate stumbles across my account and messages me about it on facebook; I figure it's a good time to go all blue-pill and earn her pity: "I'm pathetically on here trying to practice flirting so my wife will pay attention to me. It's a sad state of affairs, as she won't sleep with me." I deactivate the account. Get bored a few months later and reactivate it. Stupidly don't deactivate it when I forget about the app.

yesterday:

Her divorced former classmate stumbled across my Tinder account again. Sent screenshots to my wife of our conversation and my profile; as we were in the middle of a conversation about how she can help after I buy the company. Obviously she responds with "what the hell is this", then tears, then "you're disgusting", then "you're an asshole". I treat all of this as a shit test.

I do my best to maintain frame the entire time and laugh it off. I was there for practice. Never met with anyone. (both come across as pathetic, but it's better than her thinking I'm cheating with tinder sluts). It's getting late babe, I'm going to bed. I never apologized. She was pretty cold this morning, but mostly seemed like she needed reassurance; was surprisingly receptive when I hugged her goodbye; and said as much, "I've been waiting for you to hug me all morning"

questions:

Obviously I'm an idiot with terrible OpSec. I feel like I handled last night well. Some minor DEER-ing, but I did't want her conclude I was sleeping with tinderellas. I don't know where to go from here, I'm pretty confused after this morning. I could also use any other advice or bitter truths you bros have to throw at me. I've got a long way to go and am here to improve myself.

Also, when do you guys find time to read books you don't want the wife to see? Or do y'all literally read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" in bed next to her before turning out the light and treat her questions as shit tests?

More importantly, how do I fix a stuck garage door?

Edit for clarity: our first kid was born ~18 months ago, same time I unplugged. My wife nursed for the first 10 months. We had problems long before this, but 6 months of no intimacy and open hostility changed things for me.

Edit2: more questions

  1. why was she actively seeking a hug this morning? a comfort test? or testing how much of a pussy I am before bringing the real shit after work tonight? I get the feeling I should have left for work without a word this morning; but am too close to the situation and struggling to see the fundamentals behind what's going on right now.

  2. I'm sure this isn't the last I've heard on the topic. I'm planning to continue with fogging and DGAF. She's been texting me articles about how text-flirting is cheating. My only response so far has been "If I wanted to cheat, I'd use my penis. BTW garage door repairman is coming by this afternoon"

I've got half a mind to say when I get home and the shit starts, "There's the working garage door. leave out it or STFU." but I'm a bit riled up from the barrage of confirmation-bias-google-search texts.

Edit3: shoutout to the folks over at BluePill reading this and circlejerking


Post Information
Title Am I handling this right?
Author greatfuckinusername
Upvotes 6
Comments 33
Date 13 July 2017 02:53 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205880
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6n23ia/am_i_handling_this_right/
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Comments

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

Also, when do you guys find time to read books you don't want the wife to see?

I use my phone and either use iBooks, the Kindle app, or the Nook app. If you have a family Amazon account and don't want your wife to see just setup another Amazon account specifically for this stuff.

I'm up to Level 5 of Dread Game

If you were using Tinder you were well beyond Level 5. I've only been around for 4-5 months here and it seems like there is always some MRPer every 1-2 weeks that starts grabbing chicks phone numbers, going on to Tinder, sexting, and doing other stupid shit before they are ready to blow up the relationship. Their wife finds out. They freak out and then come post something here.

I don't have a problem with the levels of dread. I think they are spot on. But, in my personal opinion, once you cross a certain level of dread and start actively gaming with other women you better be okay with the relationship blowing up in your face because it might.

Ultimately, this kind of OI is the true RP mindset and where we should all be to some degree. But, the fact of the matter is many MRPers go here too quickly, without a brain, and not considering the consequences.

"Oh, that app that is pretty much for hookups, casual sex, and cheating, I never used it to cheat on you." You were mostly innocent here, as in you never fucked another chick, but you just flushed a lot of trust unnecessarily down the toilet with this.

I think you can recover from this, but you will have to start at the beginning as others have said.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

just used tinder to practice banter. I'm a dummy for not using fake pics and name. I'm also a dummy for thinking tinder is good practice for game. I've had more practice gaming my wife and chatting up people IRL. You're right, I've skipped ahead a bit... very poor choice on my part.

This may blow up on me, as it has for many others; trying to not overdo the dread levels.

just flushed a lot of trust unnecessarily down the toilet with this.

Back when I was BP and impeccably honest, she didn't trust me either. Maybe I don't deserve her trust now, but I certainly did back then and she never has. I'm sure I'll feel the setback, though.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret9 points10 points  (14 children) | Copy

18 months?

More like 18 minutes.

Dread level 5?

I think you actually found a way to go negative dread levels.

You read a few things and thought the world was full of blowjobs and unicorns. And you got complacent.

This is rock bottom. You’ve now confirmed for your wife and her friends that you are in fact a blue pill pussy.

There’s only one piece of advice.

Start at the very beginning. I hear it’s a very good place to start.

[–]SeamusAwl3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

I agree. He literally stated crossfit has competent coaches. He lost me there.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

My small town has shit for gyms, but I'm probably moving soon. Only coaches in town are: CrossFit or YMCA. I'd rather learn lifting form from in-shape dudes rather than old lady workouts from fat middle-aged women in a gym with one squat rack that's usually being hogged and misused by some goofball. My CrossFit gym has less of a crazy injury-prone culture than most; much more focused on form and safety and strength training. No it's not ideal.

If the acquisition goes through I'm moving to a big city next month and then I have more options.

[–]rocknrollchuck3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

I'd rather learn proper lifting form from YouTube videos and then go to the YMCA than go to a CrossFit gym. But you do you. At least you're lifting.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Solid advice and I did that for a year. I wanted to shake things up. I have made considerable gains on my deadlift, squat, and OHP in the last two months; all while building strong male relationships and flirting with gym bunnies that can't be found at the Y. Not planning on sticking around long, I don't want to get injured.

Best thing I've learned: chest mobility is key for OHP and other olympic lifts. Regularly stretching my chest has drastically improved my form, as well as my posture. I'm literally taller now.

Worst thing: kipping pull-ups/muscle-ups. Don't do it unless you're willing to spend two years working up to it. You will get injured.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Best thing I've learned: chest mobility is key for OHP

Head mobility is key also to make sure you are going straight up to isolate the shoulders and avoid injuries. I prefer standing OHP because it's allows a lot more mobility in general, and you get some clean and jerks as a bonus.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good tip. I'll make sure to be cognizant

I only knew how to do OHP off the rack until this summer. It's a great feeling to take the bar from the floor to overhead. Makes me feel like I can conquer anything

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Having a baby in the house I chose to go slow through the dread levels with a nursing wife. I've been picking up the pace lately. You're right, it was probably wayyy too slow.

IDGAF what her ugly acquaintance thinks of me, just want to salvage frame with wife. How would you have handled last night? What would you have done differently?

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

First, I am not really concerned about your reaction to your wife. Since I didn’t mention it. I suspect you know how to respond correctly and are here looking for confirmation (maybe some validation on the right answer). I won’t get into that because...yeah you caused a serious comfort test situation.

I am more concerned with your mindset. Keeping your wife is not my issue nor my objective here. No matter how you respond to her you are not doing it within your frame at this current time. Let’s review.

  1. you admit to going Rambo early on, and I suspect you still are in some cases. How do you not remember an app on your phone? I mean seriously. Think about it. It’s like leaving the cap off the milk jug and putting it back in the fridge. I mean cell phone is the most commonly hand held device....a cock is the second. What the fuck, over?

  2. You say you were going slow due to the kid. And yet you went right in on Tinder? This doesn’t make sense.

  3. You said you were, and I quote, “I figure it’s a good time to go all blue pill and earn her pity” What the fuck is that? It’s never a good time to go blue pill.

  4. Kind of related to #3 you violated Rollo’s Iron Rule #9 Never Self Depcrecate.

  5. You say you want to Salvage frame with your wife. Huh. Not for you? Not becasue you are disgusted with the depths you just sunk? But for your wife. Interesting.

[–]rocknrollchuck2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

You're right, something doesn't add up. I have the feeling we have a buried lead here.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

one of my weak points is self-awareness. You're probably right.

Am I clinging onto a Covert Contract? not that I can tell, but maybe I'm still a bit butthurt about her not fucking me for six months straight; as if it was her responsibility to fuck a lame and supplicating footstool of a husband. I've come a long way in 18 months from that, but not nearly enough. I was once supremely butthurt about this, but thought I had killed that? IDK grasping at straws here

[–]rocknrollchuck2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Having a baby in the house I chose to go slow through the dread levels with a nursing wife.

There it is, in your other comment. A baby and a nursing wife are 2 important things that should have been in your original post, as it would've affected the advice given.

*Edit - you KINDA mentioned it vaguely at the beginning of your post, I'll at least give you that. Is she still nursing?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Amended my post, also, she's not nursing anymore

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

  1. yes. I'm an idiot with terrible Op-Sec, but I didn't really have anything to hide, did I? I don't really care that my wife knows about me having Tinder just to fuck around with text game. I just care that I learn from the experience of her discovering.

  2. practicing text game. I broke myself of my validation addiction in the first few months of unplugging. It turns out Tinder is a huge waste of time; mostly full of bots and ugly bitches looking for validation. Better to flirt IRL. At the bar, at the gym, etc.

  3. When dealing with an SJW confronting you and threatening to Dox, sometimes its better to be intentionally seen as remarkably un-alpha. TRP is full of stories of men acting beta to intentionally repulse an office drama queen or w/e. I reckon I over-did it.

  4. you're right, I definitely was self-deprecating. What would you have said in this stupid situation?

  5. I don't feel guilty, nor have I offered any apology. It seemed best to A) make it clear I wasn't cheating then B) let her hamster and laugh it off. How would you handle this stupid situation?

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think you actually found a way to go negative dread levels.

Lol

[–]rocknrollchuck4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I like to read all my stuff digitally. I've bought most of them and read them, but when I first started, this resource was shared with me and it helped a great deal:

THE RED PILL MEGA BOOK COLLECTION V2.0!!!

For the garage door, just call a garage door service company to come out and fix it. They are pros for a reason, and it sounds like you have enough to worry about right now. You don't know how to fix it, and the time to be learning how to service a garage door is NOT when it's stuck in the open position. The security of your home is at risk.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

thank you for this resource.

You're right. I've got a lot of irons in the fire: parenting, day job, the business acquisition, gym, other home repairs and shit-owning, gaming my wife. Calling a repairman now.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

I think you handled it well, just keep on maintaining frame. Lots of guys in relationships have tinder just to fuck around with text game. It's basically just an app to meet people, the sex implication is just a part of it. I would continue to provide some cocky funny attitude with a lot of comfort. Don't apologize, but provide plenty of hugs and make some jokes.

Patrice O'neal has this joke that I like and I'm about to butcher. You can find it on YouTube if you look but I'm too lazy right now. Basically, his wife is giving him shit for flirting and gaming other women. So he compares game skills to fishing skills. His wife chose him because he was a good "fisherman", but to stay a good fisherman you need to keep practicing. If he stopped being able to catch fish, like he did with her, she wouldn't want him anymore. I always liked that bit. I wouldn't flat out tell your wife this, but I wouldn't feel too bad or guilty about being on tinder.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I don't feel guilty, although I did comply with her request to delete my account in front of her; that was probably a weak mistake, but I honestly didn't care if I had the account or not, and followed it up with no apology or admission of guilt.

I like that fishing analogy! I tried to explain that concept to her in one sentence, but she was too emotional to think that hard; so I dropped it. Which is good, it was probably more overt than I want to be with dread game anyways.

Edit: typo

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

"I tried to explain that to her"

Quit this shit. She doesn't care, she'll never care and she will never understand in a logical and rational manner. The only thing you should be worried about is how you're making her feel. You can't tell her how to feel, or explain to her why she feels a certain way, so don't even try. Just get her in the emotional state you want or learn to play off of it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There it is. Something wasn't sitting right with me about how I handled it. I needed to hear this.

[–]zeno_of_shitium1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I like your username. It's fucking great.

The Tinder thing was a mistake - setting it up, getting caught, DEERing, and getting caught again. Did you at least match with the divorced friend? Kidding.

I'd ignore it for now though it will probably come up again. I found Tinder to be a huge time waste for improving game. Better to get out in the field.

When I started my wife would be sitting on her phone acting like I didn't exist so reading Fight Club material was relatively easy. Now I read it on the computer or listen to audio books if they're available. Was thinking to get an eReader like a Kindle or whatever to at least remove the cover and read it next to her. Though I think my second reading of Sex God Method will be out in the open just for shits and giggles.

Can't help you on the door but if you want an alternative to 5x5 for lifting, try Wendler's 5/3/1 or if you want to put on some mass in record time have a look at Poliquin's german volume training. That program packed it on me like no other.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Mostly I figured if I went super beta, then the SJW friend wouldn't feel like doxxing me. Partially it backfired bc my wife saw screenshots of that pathetic exchange; partially it helps me because wife is seeing from two sources the same story: not cheating, just practicing.

Or is the wife thinking I'm cheating a good thing? I'd suppose it could be if it creates sustainable dread....

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Youtube 'how to fix stuck garage door'.

If I can't get the book on Audible, I buy it from Amazon and download it to my Kindle app on my i6. Cheaper, too.

Whenever she asks me what I'm reading, I fog.

[–]kenlem1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I had the same issue where I was afraid to read some books in front of the wife or purchase them on the same amazon account that she uses too. I found PDF's when I could but eventually wanted to read them so badly that I got over the fear of it. I buy paperback and audible and sometimes books for books I really want to understand. I get up at 5AM and sometimes read for an hour is she's sleeping in. I listen to audible in the car on the way to work and I had pdf's on my phone.

I read red pill books as well as other non-red pill material about love and relationships and leave them laying around. Some were recommendations from my therapist. Some are things I've found myself. If she asks about them, which she generally doesn't, I just say it's an OK book but I don't buy a lot of the stuff in it.

I've gone sort of Rambo a few times and blamed it on the books which is sort of true. She's suggested I stop reading books or find other books to read and that maybe I'm wasting money on therapy. I told her that I'm an adult and I get to decide how I spend my money on my healthcare. I also her let her know that I'll read what I like. We talked quite a bit about how things aren't right in the marriage and I basically tell her I'm doing everything I can do figure it out and improve it. If she has any questions, she can ask. That's probably too much info for her. I was sort of on the blue pill path to recovering the marriage before I found out about red pill. I figure I have to slowly change paths to not freak her out.

The only books I've stayed away from reading in front of her are the ones that are clearly sexual like MMSLP and such which have women on the cover. I think those will give her the impression that I want to turn into some kind of sex monster and I want her to be my slave. That sort of stuff I read in PDF on my phone.

EDIT:

As far as Tinder goes, I think you need to use the cover that you were practicing and you need to provide a lot of comfort when she's looking for it. Make sure to actually game her when possible.

[–]bowhunter61 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

God damn, you sound like a fucking pussy. You shouldn't have bitched out on the Tinder thing. You DEER'ed like a motherfucker. That could have been a delicious dread sandwich for her had you been attractive, not a total vagina, and not apologized. Or, you could have been a Chad and actually fucked some of them. Tinder is the easiest way to get laid on Planet Earth.

You need to start over, man. 18 months is too far in to be acting like such a faggot. Good luck.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Alright. Break it down for me. What would that conversation have been like if it we're you.

Probably but I've got a long way to go before I'm at the point of cheating. That's dread level 12 or so

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So whats the real reason you are here ?

Tell us about the elephant in the room ?

Not the part about the 10 months of breast feeding = no sex

Buy the books, and find some time to read alone as in I am going out

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

?

Looking for some coaching, same reason as anyone else.



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