Hi All, I am new here, found this forum 3 weeks ago. I am in the process of posting a longish OYS, it will take me a few days to put it together.

I wasn't planning on posting anything for now, and just concentrate on reading this forum/books. However, I am finding my wife is starting to put more pressure on me with "talks", and I am running out of ways to manage it. I know I will find answers in the sidebar, and I am reading, however, I would appreciate some ideas for now, while I get through more material, and find more concrete answers.

Background: 10yrs married (13 together), 2 kids 6/4, i am 39 (178 cm/5.10", 85 kg/187pd), wife 36. Sex 2/months, feels like a favor, not enthusiastic at all. The whole relationship feels stale, and I feel like my wife is disinterested in me, and i am tolerated for decent income, and being a nice guy. Previously, tried pleasing her, lived in her frame, (and many other BP traits, probably all of them....) and always ended up blamed for everything .
I started reading MMSL forum 2-3 months ago, which started me on this journey. I have started to STFU (absolute gold), trying to start being a leader ( I have spent my whole life being a follower), lifting, dressing better. Past few weeks wife started dropping things like " you working out to impress your girlfriend", "off to visit a brothel?", " You have become an asshole"... I think I managed to deflect those as best as I could, with some humor, and STFU.(its so weird, she will walk off looking super pissed, and come back 10min later, and have a conversation like nothing ever happened....)

Last night I was shaving in the shower, when wife walked in and started the " talk" . " You have been an absolute asshole to me. You treat me like a 2nd class citizen. You are teaching kids to disrespect me (she was trying to emotionally black mail kids into eating dinner, by saying things like she worked so hard to cook it, and she will be upset if they dont eat etc. At this point I interjected, as I disagree with that. Her way of dealing with family is often emotional black mail, its pretty much modus operandi for her, and her mother/family). I listened, and generally tried to STFU, the only thing I said is I will not let her emotionally black mail the kids. She stormed out, I kept my frame. After shower we continued the talk, while I was in the shower she wrote in her diary (1st entry ever), and showed me. "How I have been on a personal development road , and she understands I am doing this for my self, to be a better person, better husband, and better father (my words, I told her that 3-4 weeks ago). However, I am mean to her, I am an asshole to her, I treat her as a 2nd class citizen, no one appreciates what she does. I disregard what she thinks, and feels, and she feels unimportant. All I am interested in is sex, and I am only nice to her if I want sex " (To that I replied that I am nice to her during and after sex too....) I cant remember the rest, but I covered most of it. The rest of the talk was: we are different, and she doesn't want to feel like that. She said a few other things which i cant remember now. I tried to STFU, but you can only be a mute dumb ass for so long, and at some point something needs to be said. Especially when you are pushed for it.. I tried my best to hold frame, and use humor where I could, but some things I just could not deflect, and ended up back peddling a bit, and getting engaged in her conversation.

I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this again, as the " talk" was cut short (I made plans to go for a walk with a friend, so I gave her a kiss on forehead and left), and I am most likely to face it again in the next few days. I am not trying to win a war here/or overpower her, but I need to learn to change how I respond, and not get sucked into her frame.

These are likely to arise soon:

  • Why are you being an asshole to me

  • May be we are just too different to be together

  • How are we going to go forward now

  • I have no say in anything

  • You disrespect me

  • You are only nice to me when you want sex

This morning she was frosty, and when she came over to give me a good buy kiss, I kissed her longer, and pulled her into bed, and kissed her a little more, she did a good version of starfish, with a slight smile. I did not get butt hurt, or offended, and let her go.

I will admit, I am in anger phase over the whole red pill thing, especially discovering it in my late 30's and feeling like I wasted some of the best years of my life being a total AFC. Its not my wife's fault. I have shit communication skills, and always was a pushover and avoided conflicts. So maintaining frame and participating in an argument is very unnatural for me. But I suspect I come across sometimes as angry and aggressive, instead of calm and assertive. I have not completely withdrawn, and try and get her involved in things, but it feels like squeezing water out of stone. She always asks me for what I think we should do about this/that etc. Previously it would be a ping pong, you decide, no you decide, etc, etc. I try and be more decisive now, only to be later told, you dont take me into considerations, your are selfish , blah blah blah,

Thanks. PS Sorry if it flows a bit funny, I am trying to finish this after a very long day at work, and rushing to get out of the office.