How to deal with stubborn teenager?

[deleted] · 2016-12-04T14:11:26+00:00

Jesus buddy. How do you get anyone to do anything you want them to? You gotta know your target.

Do you? How much time have you spent "drilling" about the teenage brain and what it is developmentally capable of at 14? 16? 18? and I'm not talking doing math.

You often hop to doing things because somebody tells you they "believe it is good" for you to be doing it?

Are you a clear and consistent communicator? How much groundwork have you laid with your daughter when it comes to your expectations? Consequences for not meeting those expectations?

Does she even know why academic achievement matters? You help her understand all that stuff in a way that she can connect the dots between the doing the drills and what her tiny teenage brain wants?

Are you one of these dudes that thinks just because you ejaculated you must know how to be a father?

How well do you know and understand your daughter?

Do you even Daddy?

UEMcGill · 2016-12-04T15:07:25+00:00

In my house I'm the benevolent dictator. Privileges are granted, based on performance. School, chores and activities are all part of it.

Give your daughter the illusion of choice. Hey, you don't have to do this, but if you want to go with your girlfriend you'll need to do it. Someone else suggested using the cell phone. Every kid has a pain point.

rocknrollchuck · 2016-12-04T14:20:27+00:00

I have a 14 year old son, and what always works is removal of his privileges. Like using the computer and his other devices, going places with his friends, participation in extracurricular activities, etc. He usually has a pretty good attitude, so I rarely have to go beyond making the threat to get him to comply. You're right though : using force definitely won't work, and will create more problems.

WhiteTrashKiller · 2016-12-04T11:54:02+00:00

As men and chiefly as Fathers we enforce standards. She needs to understand there is a value for everything. In order to receive your benevolence and support she needs to uphold her end of the bargain.

Does she like having a cell phone? Does she like having access to computers or being able to go out with friends. If she were to lose the things she likes most, will her behavior change? Teenagers are so connected to their devices and social circles nowadays that any restrictions should induce withdrawl symptoms.

It is up to you to teach her that she needs to invest in herself as much as you are in order to make her successful in life. There are consequences to every decision....

[deleted] · 2016-12-04T15:31:25+00:00

What does she get out of doing the math?

I am not talking about "stuff".

have you set up her background in the last 15 years so that she gets intrinsic motivation from doing certain work? Or at least from making dad happy??

This is like an Asian dad thinking because his daughter in America looks like her Chinese born cousin, they should think the same.

Or maybe Indian.

alby333 · 2016-12-04T18:03:40+00:00

Ok lurker and blue pill poster here(full disclosure) I wouldn't normally post here but your dilemma resonates with me. Teenagers are tricky what we'd all like to do is confiscate the iPhone , my daughter has a near meltdown when separated from the mobile but it's a dilemma because you want to be able to contact them if you need to. First thing I establish is whilst she has an iPhone it is not hers it's a privilege bestowed by me and her mother and can be revoked at any time. I keep an old Nokia with a pay as you go cim (we call it the brick) and if we feel we need to we confiscate the iPhone and saddle her with "the brick" my daughter has never flatly refused to do anything I ask/tell her to do. She argues on occasion but the threat of the brick tends to quiet down these arguments pretty fast.

enfier · 2016-12-05T06:02:36+00:00

You haven't given her a choice. Well actually you have - she can either comply or rebel, but there aren't any other decent options. If you want her to follow, give her two choices that are both acceptable to you. Then there won't be anything for her to rebel against and she's unlikely to realize that there are other options besides the ones presented. Plus, she'll get used to making choices that affect her future now, instead of as an adult. You'd rather have her skip studying now, fail a test and learn her lesson at 14 instead of doing the same for a job at age 30. Let her decide, try and fail now while the consequences are small.

freshona · 2016-12-04T11:22:47+00:00

Create an environment where she wants to do your stupid drills. Why would she do them?

nonnimoose · 2016-12-04T20:15:29+00:00

I teach high school math and of course regularly get kids this age to do their homework. If your daughter needs the drills for remediation, and is already getting her regular homework done, I would make it more enticing by making some sort of game out of it before I would start introducing restrictions and punishments. You can PM me for some ideas. If it's for enrichment (your daughter is advanced at math and is bored by a too easy math class) I would give her challenge problems to do and reward her for getting them right. Yes, loss of privileges, particularly phones, is a great motivator for teens. But you're not asking her to share in household chores, you are asking her to do extra schoolwork - a domain that she should be starting to take ownership of. If you punish a teen for not taking out the garbage and then they reluctantly take it out, great, garbage is out, who cares if they sulk . But if you punish them for not doing extra schoolwork, it will get done reluctantly and you will have taken away a bit of that kid's intrinsic motivation.

I will add that forcing a 5 year old to do math drills against his will is a terrible idea unless you want to turn him off of math for life.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-12-05T00:03:38+00:00

No idea but I think Rollo takes on this question in his next book.

Title	How to deal with stubborn teenager?
Author	MRPaskforhelp
Upvotes	0
Comments	23
Date	December 4, 2016 10:09 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5geu42/how_to_deal_with_stubborn_teenager/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/how-to-deal-with-stubborn-teenager.206819 https://theredarchive.com/post/206819

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