Declaring my independence

Hi friends This is my first post, it's long, part victim puke, part log, and part MAP. I'll try to point out lessons I've learnt as well as points that still confuse me, cause me to fail and start over. I found a post by /u/2gunsgetsome and am stealing his style to point out what I've learned. I found his posts very inspiring.

I've been a beta from the start. I was always the guy putting others needs first in the hopes that they would like me more [NICE GUY TRAIT]. When I got to college - A girl I liked I went full beta orbiter, I got played/dumped on after spending months/$$$ chasing after her. I realized what I had been doing and decided to change myself instead of saying she was a bad seed [RED PILL LESSON]. Looking back I am thankful. She taught me something for life. This pushed me hard in the other direction. I started working out like crazy, dropped weight, dropped to about 12-13% BF. I also found PUA and used that successfully to date/marry my wife. I dressed sharp (still do), worked out, ate right, AA and AM'd everything. Once in the first couple of months of the relationship I found her flirting with a bartender and I decided to "help" as her wingman [ABUNDANCE MENTALITY]

However, once we got married and lived together, she saw how the sausage was being made. All the PUA tricks were great to get her attention and date, but failed miserably as I tried to implement a "fair" relationship [BLUE PILL]. I didn’t have any of the mindsets implemented (high value man, abundance, outcome independence) behind those tricks and they were exposed for the illusions they were. Almost textbook - I stopped planning, I asked her what she wanted to do/go/see/travel with the thought that I was putting her first as a husband should [COVERT CONTRACT, NICE GUY TRAITS, MORE BLUE PILL].

Slowly my gym/workout regiment dropped as well. I gained about 30 lbs since we first met. She would openly disrespect me by saying she was the best I was going to get (to be fair, she is a 7-8 and has maintained her body throughout our marriage). She also didn't put in my effort in finding a job and basically became a housewife for a number of years [BETA BUX]. She would do some chores but we'd still share a number of them even though I had a full time job and she didnt. [MORE BETA] I would try to logically argue my way through her shit tests and struggle with how she wouldn't see how I was such a good guy, always trying to put her first [NICE GUY]. I would scream and get frustrated as her shit tests evolved into shouting matches and slinging as much mud as I could. It almost always followed this pattern: She would shit test, I respond with a DEER response which wouldn’t work, she would double down, I get irritated/angry/frustrated and shout at her - she would blame me for being abusive [Don't DEER!!]. Game set Match.

About a year ago, I stumbled onto TRP and then MRP. A few months ago, I read NMMNG, MMLSP, WISNIFG and Rational Male. I also read BPP's kindle book. I implemented IDGAF, STFU, fogging and now moving to AA/AM. I spot comfort tests very easily now and can see the difference for the most part. I game her, plan weekends, plan travel, have identified and eliminated covert contracts. I do stuff that needs to be done without expecting anything. Wife thanks me for doing stuff like chores - guess she thinks its her ship so I need to be thanked?? Sex has improved a lot but it's still not as exciting as I would like it to be. I'm working on this part. Sex God Method is next.

One big failure I've had has been taking my MAP too lightly. I never wrote one to start with and had a few thoughts "in my head" as my MAP [WEAK, INACTION]. Over time I stopped implementing parts of it. I also had a medical issue that stopped me from lifting weights for a few months. I have started and stopped my weight loss plans for years and years. But in the last 6 months, I've dropped 22 of the 30 lbs I gained. Last 8 are proving hard. I have started reading a lot but real action/doing is lacking (is reading just another form of procrastination)??. I sold my xbox, stopped gaming, started cooking more often (a major interest of mine that I had given up), go out for walks alone, hiking (i ask the wife and if she says no, i go without her). My job is work from home and its a huge dread killer that I am at home and never in contact with other humans. I've realized I need to "fix" this by doing more activities outside the house (classes, meetups etc).

I also lose frame easily when I'm drinking - It used to be the opposite. I would become unflappable after a couple drinks where nothing would bother me. Now its like I have a seething rage inside me that comes out. I notice I start hating on all women around me. I see them as just tricksters out to get men. I feel like this is a major sticking point in my progress [ANGER PHASE]. I also start advising my friends. I need to STFU until I have figured shit out myself. It's embarrassing to be honest. My solution, until I get over the anger, is to stop drinking.

A big issue I'm struggling with after I hold frame through a shit test - I don’t know if my behavior was just me verbalizing my needs or being an asshole/jerk. At a friends party recently, my wife wanted to go back home. It was early and I wasn’t interested in leaving that early - none of my friends had left. I told her she was free to uber it back herself (our house is 10 minutes away) and i wanted to stay. She got pissed and left. Next morning she cried hysterically for how I don’t care for her at all. That all I care for is my friends and family and that she is last on my list of people I care for (this is a very old complaint of hers - is it a demand for more comfort behavior?). Was I right in telling her to go home without me or was I a dick?

I still struggle with seeking her approval when she is pissed off or "sad/emotional" about something I did. If I truly made a mistake I apologize but she will still continue to "stretch" the incident by giving me the silent treatment. Previously silent treatment was met with equal silent treatment but I was hoping she would talk [APPROVAL SEEKING]. Now I just do my own thing and appreciate the quiet time. I also make fun of her silence [AMUSED MASTERY]

I also don't know what value this relationship is bringing to my life. its a constant power struggle and it's exhausting. I question why I'm married to this woman. She's got few friends (she hates almost every girl she meets), hardly any hobbies besides watching TV, shopping etc. She's spent all day today in front of the television watching movies. I don't care its her life to waste, but why am I with her if this is all the effort she's putting in? I question if by doing so much around the house am I enabling this behavior of leeching off my hard work? For now, as I improve myself, I have decided to not think about this much. Over time, as I become higher value, we will see what changes and I will decide then. I have also realized I take her moods very seriously. If she is pissed or emotional or silent, I will start searching for posts on MRP to see how I should have responded better or behaved differently in similar situations. I think this is a major issue I need to resolve.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. I plan to implement and write out my MAP in detail. I've decided to use google calendar to plan my life just as I would at work. I am a rockstar at work and I've realized that the things that are recognized at work as my excellent leadership skills are lacking at home. At work, I take on more than everyone else because its my ship, I delegate, I decide quickly, I don’t take things personally and I am a willing and constant learner. At home it’s a world apart.

Edit: /u/Persaeus correctly pointed out that I left out ages/when we met/got married from my post.

Wife and I were in our early 20s, in college, when we started dating and got married a few years later. We're in our mid 30s now, no kids, both working full time jobs.