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Found this place a month too late.

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July 2, 2016
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Title Found this place a month too late.
Author
Upvotes 9
Comments 19
Date 02 July 2016 01:03 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207349
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4qx582/found_this_place_a_month_too_late/
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Comments

[–]WhiteTrashKillerRed Beret8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're only as fucked as you want to be. You determine how good your life is, since you are the only one that can make the changes necessary to be awesome. She is acting like this because you let her.

Sell the house and downsize to something you can afford, one that is suitable for your child. Sounds like it is coming anyway. Why give her the chance to take it in a divorce, while making you pay for her to stay in it. She doesn't work so she shouldn't have a say(unless you put her on the mortgage, cannot see why you would). If she would like to stay in the house she can start contributing. She did this because you let her.....

Stock pile your money while not paying the mortgage, foreclose if need be. 7 years it'll be off your credit report anyway. You need to force the hand. Learn about a deed in lieu of foreclosure.

Phone? Again she doesn't work, right? Time to deactivate her phone. It isn't a necessity, like heat and electric is. As long as you have a land line, that is all she needs. If she is worried about traveling, get a prepaid with $25/mo. for emergencies. That will limit her emotional affair through texting on "YOUR" fucking phone. She wants her own phone, start contributing. See the advice below on controlling your finances, she cannot go get her own phone plan if she has no funds. She wants to complain about controlling! Start controlling the things you are responsible for, Unless you like paying for things without having a say in the matter.... She spends your money, laughs at you and plays with your emotions because you let her.....

She doesn't work. Change the account your paycheck goes to. She then gets a stipend. You will do the food shopping, since only you know what a proper diet can do for you and your family. You will pay the bills, since you make the money and can best afford your current living situation by handling it personally. Man the fuck up and take control of your responsibilities.

Make no mistake she treats you like shit because you are beneath her and I am afraid to say always have been it seems. She will never tolerate you being in charge of her since she has only known you to be beneath her. You will never save this marriage, all you can do is make yourself into the person your next SO will enjoy and the man your child admires, one she or he looks to for support in contrast to your soon to be ex wife's bouts of crazy...

Use the time left to take the steps necessary to set yourself up. Don't be afraid to nuke it all and go scorched earth.

I will give you an example. My SO says I am quitting my job and am staying home. I quit the next day no questions asked, no talking, no negotiating. I sell everything I own, kids, dog, whatever there is in your life affected by it is a casualty of war.

She has initiated MAD. Mutually assured destruction. This is because my convictions outweigh my brains or emotions. I will cut off my nose to spite my face, I am Scorched Earth.

For all those that say," oh but your job or your kids". They'll be fine. There will always be another Beta/ White Knight she'll get help from. The threat has to be there, the fear that everything will burn must be real. She has to have skin in the game......

This statement of implied fear isn't about a physical fear as no man should ever impose his strength on a woman except in the bedroom. This fear has to do with the respect given to the man who provides. You do not bite the hand that feeds you.

I say this because your post indicates, that you could never be confused with a guy who would do this. There is no fear, that is why she smiles at you while turning your screws, she does't respect you....

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I will cut off my nose to spite my face, I am Scorched Earth.

YES, this starts TODAY.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Dude. Nice advice and telling it like it is. He has a teenage girl and a toddler ! yes, grow a set and turn the damn phone off !

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

She tells me she loves me and she doesn't want to leave, but that she has to.

She doesn't want to feel like a bad person. It's also her version of an easy letdown. She knows you can't handle the emotional blow, so she tries to soften it. You have been weak.
 
Take the focus off her and whether the divorce will go through. Fix yourself. Either she'll come around or you'll find someone better, because you'll be better.
 
Developing a sense of outcome independence about her reactions and emotional state is step one. You don't need to fix her emotional state. You can't fix her. Establish and enforce the boundaries needed for you to get your shit together. If she tests you on it, STFU.
 
You are the judge of your own actions.
 
The next step is reading and applying WISNIFG. After that, read the entire sidebar, especially the Book of Pook.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

File on her and file bankruptcy.

Leave for 3 days, that's nothing compared to her EA bullshit and her whole disrespect for you and your marriage.

Start on you and start new.

Scorched earth policy starts now.

Edit: see u/WhiteTrashKiller post for more details…..

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I have the next 3 days off and I have a feeling we're going to be at each other's throats the whole time

If you decide that you aren't going to be then you won't be. It really is that simple.

Your financial well being is destroyed, you have emotional problems, and your wife (YOUR WIFE) is not satisfied with the draining of every ounce of life's blood out of you. She has another man on tap because you are running low. She will soon be sucking the marrow out of your bones and tossing them into a pile.

Listen very carefully: save yourself. You are not fucked. Stop worrying about her and your marriage. Focus on yourself and what you need to do to be healthy and have a better future. For you.

Start doing that today. If that means you have to stay out of the house and away from the vampire for the next three days, then do it. Good luck.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

save yourself. You are not fucked

Yes and Yes.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I am not sure who is the vampire in this sordid tale. I do know that the dude can at least stop sucking.

[–]redearththeory2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

But my wife wants a divorce. She wants to leave town and take our kid.

Stop displaying low value, make a little progress and see if this doesn't become less of an immediate threat. A lot of people come here in this situation and don't end up divorcing.

she talked me into moving into a new house that we can't afford

You mean you made a bad financial decision and are trying to blame it on your wife.

promised she would start working to help, but hasn't. Not in 4 years.

What have you done to enforce that boundary and lead her to a better outcome? If this was 4 years ago, there were other ways you could have handled it in that time.

She still expects me to be there for her, financially and emotionally, but tells me she wants out.

You're a beta. She's with you for your emotional availability and financial resources. Take either away and she's gone. That's how this works. We know because most of us were the same.

but right before bed I let myself get anxious and she fed off it and started pushing some of my known buttons (ignoring me to play on the phone while I'm trying to have a discussion, then loving it when I get annoyed about it).

You are not in control of yourself. She kind of is. But good that you're seeking therapy. Trying to change takes courage, keep that up.

She tells me she loves me and she doesn't want to leave, but that she has to. I think she's just keeping me around for stability while she waits for that next branch to swing to.

Or you're not delivering what she needs financially, emotionally or sexually. She's trying to badger you into doing your job as a man but despite her bitchiness (the only tool she has) things are getting worse and she's making a plan to do whats best for herself and her kid. I'm not a fan of bitchy wives, but try owning your shit and seeing it from her point of view.

I want to save my marriage, but it may be past that point now. I'm fucked, dudes.

You're probably not as fucked as you think, but you need to change direction, stop displaying low value, STFU and stop fucking things up. As soon as possible, make a financial plan that keeps you solvent in the short term and buys you time. Shut the fuck up and whatever you do don't whine, blame or complain about ANYTHING immediately. Save it for your therapist, not your wife. Stop displaying low value to her. Tomorrow, forget about however you feel, shut the fuck up, solve a couple of problems for her without asking her for anything (including approval) in response. Look her in the eye, tell her that you know things are bad but you love her, this is your family and you're going to take care of her and your kid. Then go do something useful.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You know what you need to work on. Proceed.

One tip, if she is disrespecting you by being on the phone you pretty much have two choices: leave or take the phone and put it face down.

You will survive, with or without her.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's having an EA with some dude from the internet, and doesn't give a fuck that I know about it.

Be honest to yourself. Your wife is scarfing strange cum down her mouthy mouth. She is gurgling sperm and then bringing her filth to your home and kissing your kids. She completely disrespects you in your own home and your own bed and you argue with her like what she has to say is still valid in your mind.

Does that put it in better perspective?

She still expects me to be there for her, financially and emotionally, but tells me she wants out.

What...the....fuck?

we're going to be at each other's throats the whole time.

In the immortal words of Putin: "It is best not to argue with a woman."

ignoring me to play on the phone while I'm trying to have a discussion, then loving it when I get annoyed about it

What...the....Fuck? She is deliberately tormenting you and playing you like a pathetic puppet.

I think she's just keeping me around for stability while she waits for that next branch to swing to.

This is the first reasonable thing you have said.

im also diagnosed with bipolar disorder

This is a problem but not insurmountable and it does not change the clinical picture.

Lift, read the sidebar, cultivate DNGAF, read WISNIFG and use fogging etc to avoid arguing, learn PUA, fuck 10 girls younger and hotter than your wife. Then you can decide whether you really want to "save my marriage."

[–]mabden1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's having an EA with some dude from the internet

Until this stops, you are history.

She still expects me to be there for her, financially and emotionally,

Look up The Healing Heart - The 180; read, understand, internalize, and implement.

Today my plan is to stay away all day

You need a better plan, like hire a lawyer to start the separation/divorce process. This will get her off her ass and commit to you or getting the fuck out of the marriage. Either way is better than sitting on the fence waiting for shit to happen.

she's just keeping me around for stability while she waits for that next branch

Duh!

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your post is full of Nice Guy covert contracts. That shit stops now. You control you, you're responsible for yourself.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hello.

First of all you can't pay the bills. So unless dinner was free be the leader and grill no more dinners or lunches out. Period

Second call the bank and demand a modification to the loan and get a federal budget form downloaded and work through it including groceries and even new tires for the car. Yes. It all counts

Third.- tell her to get s fucking job before you lose the house and be dead fucking serious. Be a man and demand it as in now. Don't take any shit

Fourth get on a budget and as the leader stick to it.

Fifth - Look up " self respect " and "respect"

Finally quit being the victim. She sniffs it and loves to attack She smells Fucktard as soon as she shit tests you and loves the game of the attack and tear down. You allow it

[–]blarggggggggggg0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

It's never too late to unfuck yourself. But right now your life is in a freefall and you need to take some ownership and responsibility to fix this.

  1. Stop giving a fuck what your wife thinks. She is full of nothing but bullshit and emotional blackmail and she is not supportive of your life or plans at the moment. Don't fall for the button pushing, she is not worthy of seeing your feelings or emotions.

  2. Accept that she is not going to get a job. She has had 4 years to do this and hasn't. Any financial problems are 100% on YOU to solve.

  3. Put the house up for sale. If she has some shit to say about it just tell her, "The mortgage is too costly and I can't afford it any longer." Beyond that DO NOT JUSTIFY YOUR DECISION TO HER. You make the money, have had 0 support from her, this is your call and you don't need to keep explaining yourself to her.

  4. Cut any other expenses to the bone. How many cars? Is she driving a nice vehicle with big car payments? Sell it and pay cash for a beater. Cancel cable tv. Downgrade any cell phone plans. She doesn't like it? Too bad, tell her you can't afford it right now.

  5. Is she reasonable with the household money, buying regular groceries, or she is buying organic shit that is 3-4 times more expensive? Buying the $6 a dozen free range eggs instead of the regular $1 a carton? If so, give her a budget, hand her cash every week to buy the necessities. Or, take over grocery shopping yourself.

  6. Are you going out to restaurants? If so, this needs to stop until you have your money together. You cook all the meals if you have to. Crockpot recipes are great for this.

Basically, you need to 100% own EVERYTHING in the relationship. Take all responsibility for getting the money sorted and whatever that entails. Is that fair for you do have to do everything? No. But life isn't fair and if you're the captain you need to make sure it's handled properly. Maybe losing the first mate wouldn't be such a bad thing.



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