714,030 posts

"You're making me miserable"

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June 7, 2016
12 upvotes

Monday evening, the kids are watching TV, and me and my wife are eating dinner together. I rolled my ankle earlier in the afternoon running around with my son, and have let this affect my mood because excuse, so I'm I'm sulking like a sullen loser rather than making general chat. After a few minutes of silence, she starts talking.

Her: "I'm sick of how you are treating me at the moment, and it can't continue".

Me (patronising tone) : "Really?" I keep eating, and don't engage.

Her: "I'm serious. You're always just so smug and arrogant, and you're always criticising me. This isn't how you treat someone that you love"

Me (dismissive tone): "Sure" I continue to keep eating, and don't engage.

I finish eating, clean my dishes, and go to ice my ankle again.

Her: "You are making me miserable. You can't keep treating me like this. Do you remember how you told me how miserable you were last year? Well, now, you are making me miserable"

Me: Pause, and look at her. "Well, salvation lies within" I walk outside and ice my ankle.

She's in a mood the rest of the night, but doesn't re-engage, and goes to bed early just after we put the kids to bed. I watch Fight Club for the first time in years. Great movie.

Next day, I get back to doing me. Get up early, work, gym, home, with a few pleasant emails and texts in between. I'm back in a good mood, and suddenly, she's back in a good mood too. Talkative, cuddly and touchy feely, and almost deferential. I don't bitch about my sore ankle or any work shit to her, and she doesn't bitch about me to me. I make a soft initiation, get a no, and roll over and go to sleep. She initiates in the middle of the night.

The world is back in balance.

My take aways:

  1. Frame extends to the entire world, not just to your relationship with the wife. Any dent that you allow life to form in your frame will be visible to everyone, and they can then use that as an opportunity to crack you.

  2. While we should look at what she does, not what she says, what she says can be a useful yardstick of progress too. In this case, using words like smug and arrogant let me know that she doesn't believe that this is me yet. And that's fine, it's up to her to decide whether she comes round and starts to see me as cocky and confident instead. But is she chronically miserable? No. She might have felt down when I was sucking all the energy out of the house with my bad mood, but when I don't do that, she's as happy as a clam.

  3. She reflects me. I was a sore and sullen loser monday night, she picked up that vibe and ran with it. I was back to normal the next day, did my thing as normal, and was pleasant to be around, so she picked up that vibe and ran with it.

(Edited for bullet point spacing)


Post Information
Title "You're making me miserable"
Author omarcoming16
Upvotes 12
Comments 20
Date 07 June 2016 09:15 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207389
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4n1dxq/youre_making_me_miserable/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
frame
Comments

[–]spexer5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

there is something missing here. You say you were silent and after a few minutes of silent she complains about how you were treating her.

So... how were you treating her?

More to the point, your FR is heavy on what she does and says, and light on YOU - which suggest you are still in her frame, instead of focusing on what you did, what you can do better.

[–]omarcoming16[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I had been acting like a sullen loser for much of the afternoon after hurting myself, and had sucked the energy out of the house. I had been unpleasant to be around.

The report may seem heavy on what she does and says, but only as it pertains to her being a reflection of me. This is all about me.

[–]CountpudyoolaMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I like introspection. Good owning that you were the catalyst.

so I'm I'm sulking like a sullen loser rather than making general chat

She picks fights.

I'm back in a good mood, and suddenly, she's back in a good mood too.

Amazing how that works.

I find if I notice I'm in a shit mood things are better all around if I find somewhere else to be.

While we can (read: need to be) be stoic/amused in the face of a bad mood from our wife...they can't/won't when we're in a bad mood.

I've noticed if I'm in a bad mood and acting like it , it'll trigger one of two responses:

  • She'll get really quiet. Which later I interpret as her letting it run it's course.

  • Or she'll feed into it full force and amp it up. Which I see as her trying to bring it to a head, or just participate in the emotion if she's feeling it as well.

Neither one of those things are good. You should be controlling yourself in the first, and the latter you need to walk away from and choose a better mood.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

absolute truth

[–]The_Litz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Any dent that you allow life to form in your frame will be visible to everyone

Too true, always keep it in mind. Dog pisses on the carpet and you lose it, the world sees a man who is in a poodle's frame. You can have emotions, but you have to keep it in your frame and on your terms.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

If i may ask, are you always so smug and arrogant and always criticizing her??

[–]omarcoming16[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

That's all in the eye of the beholder.

Man makes a comment.

Woman who views man as having inferior SMV views it as arrogant and smug criticism. "How dare he say that to me?"

Woman who views man has having superior SMV views it as confident and cocky leadership. "He's right, I should listen to him."

How she views me, and how she scores our relative SMV, is up to her. There is nothing I can do about her judgement, and ultimately, she is only one data point. If I can get to awesome, and she doesn't see it, there are plenty of other data points in the population.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

All I'm saying is it might be good to take a little introspection to make sure you aren't these things.

Nobody likes an arrogant condescending prick.

If it's all in her head, great. Just be careful not to dismiss it out of hand as her being irrational.

[–]omarcoming16[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Well, I did scream at her earlier in the day when she brought me home pineapple-mango drink from the supermarket rather than the pineapple-coconut drink that I asked her for. But she deserved that for being so stupid.

[–]fakefalse0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I like your gruff son.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Lol yup. You treated it like she had told you the moon was made of cheese.

And I can't tell if you're big on jesus, but as a practicing non yawe fan... that line is rather clever, I may use that one if appropriate for a shit test down the line.

I'll continue to pat her on the ass like a 60s secretary, but your line has got a nice tone to it.

[–]omarcoming16[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Take it and run with it. I took it from the Shawshank Redemption.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

now, you are making me miserable"

Me: Pause, and look at her. "Well, salvation lies within"

That went down like a fine wine.

I make a soft initiation, get a no, and roll over and go to sleep. She initiates in the middle of the night.

Want to bet Ms. Denier couldn't sleep for some reason. We always say if she is denying sex and only you are feeling bad about it then that is a problem.

Any dent that you allow life to form in your frame will be visible to everyone, and they can then use that as an opportunity to crack you.

Your wife is NOT your friend. She is NOT your ally. She is a Shit Testing machine and can only be kept in line by your strength. There is a lot of bitterness over this issue. Check out this thread about women who dump men at the worst possible time just so they can deliberately fuck up their lives and make themselves feel good about leaving.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (6 children) | Copy

I think the practical lesson here isn't to be a stoic statue to avoid a bitchy woman..

Yes, if you are injured, down, sad, mad, frustrated etc then she will absolutely reflect back your shit mood. She just isn't equipped to deal with any form of male weakness unless its her son so forget about leaning on her in any way.

In fact, if you do, she will be even more disgusted as you show her dependence which is unnatural for a man and its a massive turnoff.

Anyway, sometimes I am pissed about something. I would also be annoyed at an injury that slows me down. No fucking way I am shielding her from it to maintain the peace. And if she wants to be a rag then let her.

The lesson that I see here is to be unaffected by her mirrored shitty mood. Of course, she is upset. You are her source of stability and energy. She doesn't feel safe because she is a child.

Just know she isn't part of the solution. She will be fine when you are fine

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Honest question: I get the point of not walking on eggshells to hide your mood but where do you draw the line between "not shielding her from it to keep the peace" and not being a sullen pool of weaksauce?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

You seem to be mistaken that men dont have emotions. We do. Being pissed off or sullen as you say isnt weak. Its human.

Expecting women to help or be unaffected is my point.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Sure men have emotions...but taken to the extreme you're advocating if a man constantly goes around wearing his heart on his sleeve that all he has to tell himself is "hey guys I have emotions too" and the world will respect that. Horseshit.

Taken to the other extreme Ive seen mods say things akin to "if your child dies in your arms you must be the oak. Cry in person or to a male confidant but do not let your wife see" also horseshit, but I'd agree a lot closer to this end of the spectrum than yours.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Not sure I said anywhere to run around with heart on sleeves, just said its normal to get pissed off and one doesnt hide it to keep a bitch happy. Surely you can extrapolate the difference between two extremes.

OP hurt his ankle and was bummed for a day. Thats not beta. That's not alpha. Its not anything.

Its just life.

The Red Pill lesson is in her reaction and your response

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

whew Good. I'm glad. We both now understand the premise of the question I'm asking. A premise I did not think needed to be said, that involves there being extremes of never showing emotion, and always showing emotion, and possible areas in between.

 

Your original post explains that you show emotions (and not hide them for her sake) so you arent at the 'no emotion' extreme. But clearly being on MRP and your response youre educated enough to acknowledge that wearing your heart on your sleeve also isnt the way to go. So I asked (deep breath) Where do you draw the line? There is some point along that spectrum where you're at. Why do you believe that is the appropriate mix and what separates the negative emotions that you do show from not being weaksauce emotions that you dont.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Obviously maintaining a facade of calm is always preferable. I try, I really do, but lets face it, we are human.

Leaking emotions in order to get sympathy or attention is a feminine trait. Dont do that.

An occasional rush of justified anger or frustration? That you have under control and need nothing from nobody? Let it fly and anyone telling you different is speaking not of experience but of theory they read and misunderstood in the manosphere



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