Hi, all,

I’m (25F) looking for another perspective on my living situation with my boyfriend (28M) of ~14 months. Feedback of any kind is welcome.

My issue: I’m feeling conflicted about moving in with him. The main reason for this is that I’ve always stated that I wanted to be engaged before moving in. Currently I stay with my parents 3 days a week and with him 4 days a week.

Relevant info:

  1. I know engagement is in the works— he’s constantly pointing out things he wants in our wedding, constantly talking about how we’re going to raise our kids, me taking off time from work to have kids, moving to a better school district, etc. We went ring shopping earlier this year, and when he Googles something on his phone I can always see that his browsing history is full of rings 😂.

With all this, I sometimes feel like I should just wait to move in until we’re actually engaged, like I always thought was prudent. I don’t want to have a lengthy period of living together, without a plan to get married.

On the other hand, given that he talks so much, so seriously about our future together, and given that I do want badly to move in— why be so rigid with my “engaged before move-in” rule? Sometimes I feel uncomfortable, like I’m just using this as a bargaining chip just to extract the formality of a ring.

  1. Another thing that is clouding my reasoning is the fact that I live with my parents, who I’m very close to. I moved out for college, so I have lived apart from them before, but I feel like I’ve kind of regressed in terms of emotional independence in this area. They’re (especially my mom) already kind of struggling with empty nest syndrome, and it makes me sad when mom asks “when will we see you again?”, even if the answer is just “three days from now”. My only sibling lives halfway across the country and rarely calls. I know this isn’t my responsibility, and it would probably be healthier to develop a little more emotional independence, but I still feel strongly emotional about this.

  2. He’s been very clear that he wants me to move in, but will not pressure me to move at a pace I’m uncomfortable with. I made a comment about missing him on nights when I’m at my parents’ house, and he said “I’m gonna remind you, you’re 100% in the driver’s seat here. You could be staying here every night if you choose.” Obviously, this reminded me I should probably refrain from making mopey comments, since it is my choice. I worry that he might start interpreting my reluctance to move in as reluctance about HIM, which isn’t true at all!!!

Any words of wisdom?