Healthy fighting style

gabilromariz · 2018-03-22T15:56:32+00:00

I have no clue how actually healthy this is but, for us, we head to the bedroom (just for the big flat space) and literally wrestle for who wins. It's a relatively fair fight, we don't actually get hurt (the moves are fake) it ends up being quite funny and through strategic locks, I have a decent chance of winning half the time.

Of course, this is only viable for arguments where it bothers you to do things his way but it would be possible, like telling a friend of ours that his girlfriend was cheating on him. We ended up not saying anything (it nearly killed me) but they broke up that same week so he ended up being right, there would have been no benefit in telling him.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2018-03-22T18:44:47+00:00

My husband has asked me to get better about raising things more “in the moment.” My parents don’t really fight and our family has a complex system of facial expressions / tones that typically convey our needs sufficiently.

I’ve had to get better at being more explicit when something bothers me in the moment. There can be some benefit to collecting data points over time, especially if it’s a pattern that’s less obvious, but if I take that approach, I’ll talk to him when I hit 2 or 3. But that’s generally for stuff that’s more serious and less obvious. In general, by being more expressive in the moment or within a day, it means things are less heated. I’m not sitting on things and getting progressively more annoyed with all the examples.

John Gottman has some good stuff on reconcilable vs. non-reconcilable conflicts. Basically: if you disagree over where you put your shoes, you can probably compromise. If you disagree about what religion to raise your kids, you probably will never agree. You have to learn to accept the places where you’ll never agree and figure out how to deal long-term. On the reconcilable conflicts, the approach of bringing things up more frequently works well.

Also, working on gratitude helps a lot. If you’re regularly reminding yourself of the things you like about your husband, that can stop the feedback loop of negativity in its tracks.

Hartley7 · 2018-03-27T02:16:53+00:00

It can be very difficult to overcome learned behavior because our childhood examples strongly imprint on our psyches. The fact that you are looking for help shows willingness to change.

I grew up seeing my mother scream at my father constantly. She was usually berating him or putting him down. I recreated this awful dynamic in my marriage until I started to see a therapist and swallowed the red pill. Because there are no more power struggles, there are far less arguments. On the rare occasions that I raise my voice, my husband quietly reminds me that he will not speak to me until I speak to him without shouting. He will also remind me to count to ten.

Figure out what is at the root of your anger. People use anger to protect them. I've learned that under my anger lies a tremendous amount of sadness. I am learning not to be afraid of vulnerability which means I can express my sadness. It makes my husband feel very manly when I tell him that I'm sad and he takes me into his arms.

proprioceptor · 2018-03-24T11:33:26+00:00

This is something I have been trying to work on as well. I'm trying to find some where between being a complete doormat (never standing up for myself when I'm being attacked, or never sharing my true feelings when asked) and being respectful of my husband as a leader in our marriage. I have a friend who volunteers with a group that teaches kids to "Stop and take a BrThRR" when they are in a situation where they worry that they will get mad or they need to think about what they're going to say. 1) Stop, 2)Take 5 deep breaths, 3)Think about how to respond, 4) Respond, 5)Review (internally). It's helping ,e to stop myself before I react in a way that I might regret!

TVEMisty · 2018-03-26T06:02:11+00:00

I have had and sometimes still struggle with the laundry list of wrongs. I've had to actively work on being more in the moment when I am frustrated so I don't pressure cooker and go at him with my laundry list. This doesn't work for us for a few reasons. The most important is that my hubs has ADD so he struggles with listening to all my list. I need to parents it down to the important stuff so it doesn't escalate. It has taken a us a while to make progress with this because we had to rebuild some trust in our marriage in regards to his reactivity/anger. He's done a great job with it so now, I have to do my part and bring him things as they happen (when appropriate) instead of building the list. I also have to decide what is worth it. There are things he does that drive me crazy and make me cranky, but really they are not that important. For example, he refused to use a hamper or a basket and his clothes pile up on the floor, which makes my life difficult and I can't understand why he can't make something in a hamper that is literally next to his pile of dirty clothes. At the end of the day, does it really matter? No, it makes my life easier. Conversely, having him not run plans by me and then spending all day doing something I hadn't planned on when there were other things I wanted/needed to do bothers me a lot especially since we've had this discussion before on both sides. Our agreement is we don't commit to plans without checking in with each other. He is slipping on this a lot. This will be something that I talk with him about because the underlying lack of respect bothers me. When I talk to him about it, I'll state it in terms of how it makes me feel when he does it. For example, hubs it makes me feel like I don't have a chance to have input on our day when you commit to things for us before checking with me and I feel disrespected and what I have planned is unimportant.

Title	Healthy fighting style
Author	SylviaToday
Upvotes	11
Comments	9
Date	March 22, 2018 2:12 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/86brzr/healthy_fighting_style/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/healthy-fighting-style.208564 https://theredarchive.com/post/208564

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