“Back Then...But Now”

CoochQuarantine · 2016-08-06T11:04:14+00:00

I've been looking to repost my filed report but updated so I'm going to do that here.

This post is inspired by /u/StingrayVC and the post about RPW in a Nutshell(SEE BELOW FOR THE TEXT FROM THIS POST I HOPE ITS OK STING...). I have kind of gone back and forth on whether or not to post this because well y’all can be blunt and honestly I wasn’t fully ready to hear you out but I am ready.

Seeing as though people keep posting that they don’t agree with all of the basic ideas of RPW I thought about what exactly is it that I believe in. So here goes nothing.

About me:

Well lets start my story about 2 3years ago. A feminist, chubby, tattoo covered, successful in a STEM field, single mom, alcoholic, independent woman who don’t need no man. That’s right kiddos. High N count over here. I was everything that was wrong with relationship dynamics. Victimhood was my crux. I could spin anything I did wrong to people and make them feel bad about it. I was manipulative and catty. I hung out with ex’s. I was the antithesis of this subreddit.

I’d come across TRP before but that place scared the hell out of me. I was defensive about my sexual right to bang anyone I wanted to. How dare you call me a slut! How dare you hold me accountable for my actions, thoughts and decisions!!!!!!!!

Oh what a might web of lies I spun.

Fastforward to about a ~~18 months~~ 2 years or so ago. I don’t remember what happened but I know that something inside me came to realize that MMMAAAYYYYBBBBEEE it is me. I won’t lie. I can keep a man. Most guys I have been with have wanted a relationship with me but I think that might be in part of the quality of guy I was with and the fact that I was probably successful at manipulation. So I decided to knock the shit off. I went into monk mode. I stopped having sex. I dedicated myself to working out, my job and my kid. Seeing a therapist. 6 months later got sober.

One day I found the Surrendered Single. I have no idea how I found this book but what struck me was that it was controversial. I’ve always been intrigued by that word. You offer me a controversial donut you can bet your butt I’m eating it! lol So I read it. Then I read it again. Then I read the Surrendered Wife because I thought… ‘what do I need to aspire to after I land a guy??”.

At the time I was using reddit as a go to for crowd sourcing opinions for things like traveling and news. figured why not see if these books are on here. Low and behold I find you guys!! I found EXACTLY what I wanted to be. You guys are inspirational to me because the dynamics you talk about with your men are what I want and covet with a passion!!!!!!!!!!

However, the more I read, the more I realized that I can never be you. I’ve got like 20 strikes against me. How could I possibly land a quality guy? How could I possibly find someone that is a good man and provider when I have lived my life on that CC?

Well, I figured I am going to take what I’ve got and I’m going to apply it as best as I can. I’m going to cut out the toxic non-relationship I was clinging to and start fresh. I was setting out to find MY man.

Dating Life

I started dating on the free app. I surrendered. I talked to anyone and everyone. Weeding out those who wanted just sex and those who would otherwise not make good candidates for me (wants kids when I can’t have anymore or very religious or too far from me etc). I hit a rut. Guys who would go on and on about their ex’s or even one guy who would not STFU about anything. I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. I just wasn’t having a good time. I thought this probably isn’t for me. I need to meet someone in real life.

I realized that my life wasn’t conducive to that though. I rarely went to places where men would congregate, I don’t go to bars, and men I did meet were married or otherwise attached. A friend of mine suggested Tinder. I know I know I know. The hook up app right? Yes. But there have been some lucky stories so I’d figured I’d give it a go. I was on there a total of 2 days. Matched a few guys. Made a handful of dates, then got off of there with phone numbers in tow. I was determined to be pragmatic about my dating.

First guy flaked.

Second guy tried to kiss me after 2 minutes… NEXT

Third guy…. I’m still dating him now. Blue Collar. Divorced. 2 kids who are older. Martial artist. Chivalrous. Calls me on my shit. Handsome. Smart. Lots of friends and great family. (WE ARE STILL TOGETHER TO THIS DAY :)))))))))

Fourth and Fifth got cancelled because I’m not that kind of girl ;)

My relationship to RPW

I’ve said this before, lately I’ve seen people trying to disassociate themselves with believing in what this sub stands for. The male/female dynamic that was the fundamental basis for this sub to be created is one I fully believe in. However, how does someone like me, who is a self proclaimed former sex crazed maniac land a great guy?

I think the secret is two fold. First, the guys I go for are in my league. There is a league ladies. I’m not saying that my league is a shitty one (I’ll address this in a sec) but it is realistic. I’m not looking to be a trophy wife. I took an honest look at myself and said, ok, the kind of guy who would want to be with me would have x, y, z characteristics. Is that something I can accept? Yes? Ok. Finally, realizing that out of the candidate pool, adopting the RPW ideology and embracing that which I can control….. namely myself…. I am already doing a lot better than most. Do you know how many times men have been surprised by a feminine attitude? I say ‘thank you’ a lot. I maintain a bubbly personality and give out compliments like they were going out of style. I work hard to reign in my hamster and stop reflexively letting my hamster answer for me. I’ve been called “a breath of fresh air”. I’m assuming it is true because that is what I strive to be. I want to be the best version of myself I can be and it shows in the dynamic between me and men. Even my father has noticed a difference in me.

The point of this post

Putting the principles into practice and taking into account the wonderful advice that has been given here, I have shifted my life for the better. Maybe this relationship doesn’t work out, but it has already been one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. Does my past dictate my future? I don’t think so because I feel like if you are reallllllly fixing your shit and owning up to it, then you too can find someone who is worth it. Do I still have work to do? Yes. Will I always be working on fixing myself? Yes. Am I afraid of the work? HELL NO! I want to be better. I work to be better. I come here to seek advice from women who are living it. I come here to talk about things that I know the average woman would never understand. I come here to read about people who are struggling and seeking advice. I find things I never thought of. Sure it is a tough pill to swallow but anything in life worth having is worth working for.

New update

So now I'm with my SO for over 8 months. We live together and we have such an amazing relationship. I still struggle sometimes with my reflexive behaviors but for the most part I"ve got those under control by practicing PAUSE. I could never have imagined having such a wonderful and loving relationship with a man who is as kind strong and caring as the one I've got. I owe you ladies a lot and I'm so grateful to this sub for existing. <3

Stingray Post

We get a lot of women coming here saying things like, "I love RPW but I don't believe in all of it!" or "You all say to do X, Y, and Z and he's not happy and I'm not happy" or "my husband isn't responding" or so on and so forth.

Here's the thing about RPW. Yes, we have lots of theories about a lot of things regarding sexual strategy. Quite frankly, we don't really care if you believe any of it, all of it, or none of it. What we do care about is your happiness and self improvement as women and you having a fantastic relationship. So here is the beginning and the end of it.

Find a good man and defer to him. Advice on the internet be damned.

If you take nothing else away from this subreddit, take away this. At the end of the day, the whys of it all don't really matter if you are happy and a good woman to a good man.

For those who read this and think, "Why do you think it has to be this way for everyone!" We don't think that. Do what you want, but this is what this subreddit is about. You can go elsewhere for that line of thinking.

StephanieCitrus · 2016-08-06T22:19:54+00:00

This is going to be an old story for some of you, and it is definitely not one of which I am proud.

There was a stretch of a few months where the checkbook register and the bank statement just weren't adding up.

WM couldn't even keep his lies straight. Two Fridays in a row he 'paid his car note.' Lie upon lie were just piling up. I was at my wits end. I was done, at the end of my rope, and told him, sobbing that I just could not live with a man I could not trust.

He said he would be right back, don't decide that just yet. He ran out to his car to retrieve something and when he came back into our little apartment, I told him that this was just not the life I had imagined...

So he took my hand and said, "This is really not the way I wanted to do this." And dropped to one knee. The ring was perfect, he had never even asked me my size or preference, he did everything on his own. With me working against him, in fact.

Since Then

I have done a lot of work on myself in the time since then and now, years later, we're not looking at declining attraction. We're happier than back then by tenfold! I feel like my old self again, I'm untroubled and no longer going through a cycle of self-righteous indignation > destructive behavior > guilt. I feel so fulfilled in my role as a wife now. And he is back to his old rowdy self, the personality I fell in love with and then proceeded to stifle (strange how we women do that).

The years ahead are looking better than ever.

chairman_mau5 · 2016-08-06T17:02:48+00:00

Before: Although I wasn't a feminazi, I was a pretty big feminist and a complete wreck during college. I had a 3.8 GPA, but also had a bookshelf of feminist theory, took a gender studies class, and surrounded myself with people who were very similar in their attitudes towards relationships and sex. Definitely a period of regret for me, from friends pressuring me to lose my virginity just to get it over with so I could start feeling the empowerment of having a bunch of sex all the way to getting into a relationship with total beta guy which ended in complete disaster. And of course, I needed to feel "empowered" again so my "friends" were pushing me into situations that I was not comfortable being in.

Its amazing what getting out of a negative environment can do for you. I had moved to the UK by myself for an internship for several months, came back to walk at my graduation, have not stepped on campus since, and have only kept in contact with one of my friends (the only one who didn't party). I moved back into my parents, and I really credit my mother for shaking me by the shoulders and telling me I needed to get my act together. I happened to have found the RPW sub by chance and enjoyed reading the posts but for some reason I never subscribed.

Flash forward 4 months. I started dating this amazing guy. He had his life together, was responsible and caring, and wasn't afraid to call me out on things. A great captain (although I was unfamiliar with Captain/First Officer at the time). About 5 months in, I started lurking here really hard. We were in a great relationship, but I wanted to be the best partner I could be and knowing how well our relationship fit into the RP mindset (I'm not sure if he read any RP stuff but something tells me he has), and it was quite a new thing to me.

Now: Communication is fantastic. My stress levels have lowered a lot since surrendering some things to him. Attraction is at all time high even though we are long distance. I'm the happiest I've ever been. AND HE ASKED ME FOR MY RING SIZE!

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2016-08-08T11:17:22+00:00

I was raised RP but my problem was I was overweight/anxious and also some feminist agenda told me I should be splitting everything in the relationship, in terms of paying bills, household chores, date ideas...I found it extremely cumbersome to have to always delegate whose turn it was. In my current relationship I'm so thankful I have a natural RP man who lets me do the woman role and he does the man role. I actually feel so much more independent over my role instead of having to discuss everything with my man, I trust him to do his job and he trusts me. I realized that when I had an equal role to my partner I stopped respecting him!

In terms of being overweight, I was in denial about it until my ex boyfriend told me it was a problem (I was 5'4 145lbs BMI 24.9, 25=overweight) which led us to breaking up. I was still in denial about it thinking someone should love me regardless of my weight but I slowly began correcting bad habits and turns out, getting my weight in check also alleviated my anxiety and made me more productive and happy. Now I'm down to 130lbs BMI 22.3 and I'm working now to lose a bit more fat and gain muscle. I feel healthier, look better and feel more feminine when I'm fit! RPW made me realize how much weight/appearance matters and I'm thankful for this extra motivation to earn my worth by keeping fit.

TempestTcup · 2016-08-06T16:06:39+00:00

We have always been pretty laid back and chill in our relationship, but I did tend to nag a bit, not understanding that he didn't operate on my schedule, and my priories were not necessarily his priorities. I would also sometimes try to explain other people's motives and try to make him understand their point of view. In the process I basically stood up for them and gave excuses for them. I was taking their side, not his.

Since finding RP, I quit doing both things, and he still gets whatever I wanted done, done, but he's happier about it because now I mention it once or write it on his list of things to do, and then I drop the subject, and don't harp, and harp, and harp on it, LOL!

Now, I am 100% on his side, and I no longer try to get him to excuse another person's bad behavior. If it's important, I might bring it up at a later date, but rarely do I find whatever it was important later; it's usually very low priority stuff. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, but since I realized, I make it a point to always back him up.

Believe me, it is much more enjoyable presenting a united front that inserting yourself between him and the other person. /u/wingnut calls it "throwing yourself in front of the bullet". I think that is pretty apt.

We had a really good relationship before, but we have a really great relationship now!

Title	“Back Then...But Now”
Author	RPWives
Upvotes	13
Comments	15
Date	August 6, 2016 6:26 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4werbn/back_thenbut_now/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/back-thenbut-now.209713 https://theredarchive.com/post/209713

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