looking for a lesson learned

stripethrowaway · 2019-03-17T12:16:31+00:00

What's the saying? "You could be the sweetest peach in all of Georgia, and there will still be someone out there who doesn't like peaches."

If I were you, I'd stop thinking about this in terms of "What does she have that I don't have" or "Why am I not good enough?" and start thinking in terms of "what red flags did I miss during the vetting period?

You can read all the literature and follow all of the self-improvement steps, but at the end of the day, if you are trying to keep a man who doesn't want to be kept and doesn't go all in or if you are trying to get a man to be a captain when he's, well, simply not a captain, you're wasting your breath. This is why vetting is key!

Don't forget, everything happens for a reason. Better he showed his true colors sooner rather than later. The next one will be better, because next time you'll know what red flags to avoid!

iamaneedybitch · 2019-03-17T13:44:26+00:00

Being a good woman won't keep a man who doesn't want to be kept. This is why vetting is really important.

lunapeachie · 2019-03-17T12:22:24+00:00

In the end, it was his decision to cheat. People hide behind masks, and it probably wasn't her sunny personality and financial prowess that attracted your boyfriend to her. A lot of people who cheat aren't looking for a romantic partner to share their life with in an affair; most are just looking for something to have on the side while keeping their comfortable home life (having your cake and eating it, too basically).

In the end, there isn't a clear "it's his fault" or "it's your fault" when it comes to cheating. He felt the relationship was lacking something, and maybe it was. Instead of talking to you about it, he decided it'd be easier to go find it in someone else. Now, he's the one paying the price for it, not you. If there are two lessons both of you should learn from this entire fiasco it's that communication is important in a relationship and sometimes, that grass isn't always greener.

MyDougs · 2019-03-17T12:37:24+00:00

Life is not just about who is the better woman, rather wonder whether he was a good man worthy of You. I think his actions have answered that.

stripethrowaway · 2019-03-17T16:53:01+00:00

Okay, at AWorseManThanYou's request, who by the way, you really got him going, and if it weren't for a little convincing on his side, I would have paid no mind, here is my fleshed out response at his request:

I don't have much to go off of here, so I had to dig into your post history.

First of all, I don't understand if you are obfuscating the specifics of how long you were together and how long you knew each other in different posts because you are protecting your identity or if you don't like the responses you're getting so you think if you shift some things around, you'll get answers that "speak" to you instead of the truth. But it's advisable to be consistent with your details and keep it as close to the truth as possible, or else, us internet strangers can't exactly help you.

Second, I think this could have been prevented. We have a term here called "vetting." There's three posts dedicated to it on the sidebar. You go between demonizing him and idolizing him in your post history. I think you fell in love with him too fast and you didn't keep your eye out for red flags. First of all, the lying, flirting, and cheating. If it were me, I would have fought fire with honey until it was extremely clear that the flirting wasn't stopping, at which time, I would have walked away from the relationship completely. It is not worth confronting a cheater. It is not worth fighting with a cheater or the person he's cheating with. He knows that he's being morally wrong. He doesn't need you telling him it's wrong in order to know. If it happens again with another man, lick your wounds, and walk. If you get angry and yell and try to be controlling, then you're trying to change someone into what they are not and you are giving him a reason to say "I wasn't in the wrong, look at her, she's crazy."

He hurt you. That was really fucked up. What's worse here, is that it's blatantly obvious that he was putting some sort of covert contracts on you, in other words, sounds like he put you on a pedestal and got upset when you didn't fit the image of what he put on a pedestal. A proper mate would understand we are all human here and we all make mistakes. He got upset and said things about you as if it were your fault for being you.

That doesn't mean you should make the next man pay for his dumb mistakes. You know the story of the feral kitty that got picked up off the street and someone nursed it back to health and over time it became a doting little house cat? That's a really cute story, but generally, it doesn't happen with humans, especially in your age bracket. Last thing anyone wants is a mate with trust issues when any man worth his salt can pick someone up at the bar around the corner and not experience that. Get counseling or at the very least, work on undoing this damage. Though I've never dealt with infidelity, I can tell you from experience, giving people the benefit of the doubt, giving them your trust without expectations, and observing the aftermath is the best way to figure out a person's true character and it will tell you immediately what kind of person they are.

The most important piece of this is to figure out who you can give this trust to, and more importantly, know to not be blinded by the prospects of what could be, when right now, simply isn't working out. I feel like you skipped this step because you figured that the longevity of your friendship overrided the need to figure out if he was a worthy mate. Did you know him well enough to know his past and his past girlfriends? How did they seem together? Was those breakups always her fault too? Big red flag.

Bottom line: this guy was not a captain, and the lying and cheating and blaming you for your actions is not alpha behavior, in fact, that's as beta as it gets. At best, he is a sheep in wolf's clothing, in other words, a beta man who is never going to be able to step up to the plate and deep down he knows it, so he's going to act out his insecurities and blame them on everyone but himself. I also had an ex who told me I was unable to properly communicate and blamed me for all sorts of things. Got into a new relationship, and come to find out, I'm the most effective communicator out of anyone my SO has ever dated. Sometimes people project their shortcomings onto you. It seems like he possibly projected a lot onto you and was more or less a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Dodged a bullet if you ask me.

Be angry. You have that right. But now that you are in the post-mortem, take this time to think back to the early days and see if there was something you missed. Men are reciprocal. It doesn't seem like he reciprocated much. Did he make you feel safe emotionally and physically? Did he make you feel beautiful? Did he make you feel cherished? This turned into an ugly situation and I'm sure that both parties were at fault, which they always are in one way or another, but no matter what happened, his actions were completely unwarranted and you did not deserve to be treated like that. There's no use in wondering what she had that you didn't because a responsible adult would have realized that they wanted someone else and they would have been honest with their partner and themself and they would have walked away instead of lying and cheating and blaming and denying they did anything wrong.

Turn your anger into something positive. Really want to get revenge? There's nothing better than getting really hot and taking it out on the gym. Join some clubs or something, find a new hobby. It sounds like you've been sitting around and miserable. The last thing that guy deserves is to see you miserable without him. He doesn't deserve to get that type of entertainment. Sooner or later someone much better will pop up, and when they do, you will have spent enough time respecting yourself to be able to identify a good man when he comes your way, who is deserving of your trust, admiration, and desire, and you will be in a mental place to give it to him.

If you like reading books, I think that you might find some solace in "No More Mr Nice Guy" because, well, quite frankly I would label your ex a Nice Guy™ and we here at RPW avoid those. It might help you understand his actions and would also help paint a picture of what an actual Alpha male, not the meme of "Chad" looks like, which will become crucial in identifying your next partner because let's face it, you're 37 and your window on having kids is closing.

I think that "Getting to I Do" would also be an extremely beneficial book for you at this point too. It sounds like a gimicky title but there is fantastic advice in there. There's also "The Surrendered Single" but depending on how RP you are, you might find that one a little "old fashioned."

Good luck.

titamc · 2019-03-17T14:54:05+00:00

Him being a bad person doesn't define your worth. About the financial matter, I always doubt a man who wants a woman who's financially dependent on him. It's one thing if a woman decided she wants to be a stay-at-home mom or wife, it's another if the husband wants her to be. So if it really was about she depending on him I guess you dodged a bullet

est-la-lune · 2019-03-17T18:28:14+00:00

I think the simplest answer is that your ex isn't the person you thought he was, so I echo other commenters who suggested you improve your vetting skills.

But I will add:

Being a pacifist is relationship suicide. By far the easiest way to have your time wasted, or worse, get cheated on. You have to apply pressure by setting and enforcing boundaries, and communicating information to your S.O. that he can use to make decisions. Pacifism can easily turn into passivity and indecisiveness, and neither of those things are traits a high-quality man wants in a wife and the mother of his kids. Bring him your problem, let him figure out the solution.

Now this isn't meant to excuse your ex, because I don't think he's a high-quality man. But moving forward when you date someone better than him, you don't want him to shoulder the entire weight of the relationship on his own.

The money thing depends on the couple. It's reasonable for both people to contribute. Whether you want to split costs 50/50 and constantly Venmo each other, alternate between picking up tabs, or have one person buy all the food and the other buy all the movie tickets, that's up to you. Dating can get expensive so unless one partner makes more than the other there's no reason one person should shoulder all the costs. Most men appreciate that you at least offer.

daniel_nightfield101 · 2019-03-17T16:17:43+00:00

Maybe the genuine desire at the beginning started the relationship but the subsequent lack of appreciation on his part or something missing on your part ended the relationship. My gut feeling is that he's not mature enough to appreciate the people around him.

CalmManner1 · 2019-03-17T23:07:08+00:00

You have to remember that RPW is an imperfect strategy- men (and women, but that's not what we're talking about here) are still INDIVIDUALS. It's a strategy for a reason, but at the end of the day individuals are gonna be the individuals we are. Suggesting that RPW MUST be a PERFECT strategy enables all types of stereotypes.

IQtheMC · 2019-03-17T18:41:50+00:00

You didn't mention sex or attractiveness here. What does she look like? And much more importantly, what does she do for him in bed that you don't do? I think some examples of real life situations might help answer that, so here's my input.

You seem like the girl I was just seeing for 3 months. I ended up friendzoning her. I would never tell her this, or anyone else, but it's because she only gave me head once in 3 months, and it was only for a minute. And she was getting lazy maintaining her body. She was great in every other way. She owns her own house and we have everything in common. She made everything easy for me. Total wife material if you ask any blue pill guy. The mistress in your case sounds like my ex-gf who had bipolar disorder and lost her job at McDonalds when I first met her, so I let her move in an supported her. Yet, I miss her. I don't know why(but I do. it's sex). I was thinking of marrying her at one point. She was competitive and aggressive too, which means when I'm driving she would unzip my pants and start giving me head(sexually aggressive) and try to make it the best head I've ever got(competitive). We had threesomes with girls I met and with girls she met, and we would have sex on webcam to make money. I was beyond sexually satisfied with her. More like sexually worn out. But she had a record of domestic violence before she met me, and after I had to call the cops on her for the 3rd time, I ended the relationship. Logically I want to stay with the good girl, but I know she won't satisfy me like the crazy girl, and I'll never have another threesome if I stay with the good girl, or get to be with any other girl ever, and might only get a bj once a year if I'm lucky. Or I'd have to tell her to give me more, which I did once, and she obeyed and gave me a half ass bj, but I'd rather have a girl that is like the opposite and I have to tell her "You're wearing me out!".
My best friend just cheated on his wife. His wife is out of town visiting family, and he sent me a message the other day bragging about how he was woken up with a bj for the first time in years, by his new mistress. Why wasn't his wife doing that? Does the mistress worship his 'package' more than his own wife? Hard not to think so if you are him. His wife found out he cheated now, because he got ratted out by a neighbor, and she's filed for divorce. She is probably confused too, just like OP. All of her friends and family are probably telling her the same thing all of these commenters are. That she should have vetted more, and/or it's because he's just a bad guy, and not her fault at all. I agree that it's his fault, and he's an asshole for cheating, but if you want to understand why he cheated, and why he thinks he's in love with the mistress now, and understand how it could have been avoided, well to me it seems simple. There's no way he would have thought the grass was greener over there and cheated if he was being satisfied at home.
I'm skeptical about mentioning this, but I always think about it now. I was listening to that Call Her Daddy podcast(not a good idea usually), and they were mentioning how this super hot Instagram model who is dating an NFL player got cheated on. They said it's because she is such a nice wholesome girl who isn't crazy at all, and so he cheated with a crazy chick, and their theory is that men are attracted to crazy and to keep a man you need to be a little crazy. I disagree. I think you just need to be as sexual as the crazy girls.

Anyway, if you stop sharing expenses with the next guy, you've missed the point. If you still share expenses and give him random head while he's driving(and do other things to show him how much he turns you on), he'll probably try to put a ring on it.

Title	looking for a lesson learned
Author	shell3201
Upvotes	31
Comments	36
Date	March 17, 2019 10:28 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/b23vi6/looking_for_a_lesson_learned/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/looking-for-a-lesson-learned.222309 https://theredarchive.com/post/222309

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