Hi, I’ve been lurking here a few days and read through all the wiki and am trying to figure out how to apply these concepts in my life, as a divorced 35F mother of three.

I was raised in a very strict bible cult and taught very similar gender concepts to RP mentality. I went through a challenging time I was adrift from 18-21 where I was excommunicated and shunned since I had sex before marriage, but limited the n count to 4 (if you include rape while asleep). Got married to the first guy I had slept with and got back into the church for a very RP but also terrible decade of marriage. I was a stay at home mom, excellent cook, maintained a healthy weight, support husband’s goals, and managed the household budget. He was impulsive, moody, self-putting, violent and verbally abusive. I had done no vetting and all my friends, family, and coworkers had warned me before I chose to marry him.

Eventually around age 30 I began reading about feminism, and decided to go back to work (kids were already in school), left the church to be atheist, and went back to school to finish my degree. The marriage rapidly deteriorated with his insecurities and fears and eventually I struck up a flirtatious friendship with a married classmate. I confessed it after a few days of racy texts and that pushed hubby over the edge and he pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me and himself. At that point I left him, took the kids, and got an apartment. He spent a week in a mental hospital, started dating, and he filed divorce.

I loved the sense of freedom I had to finally make my own decisions in life, and the peace of not being on edge waiting for him to blow up over a bad day at work and punch holes in the walls or break furniture. Unfortunately I was following my new feminist ideals and also decided that instead of “nun mode” or dating, it would be safer for me to have an affair with the aforementioned married classmate to fill emotional and sexual needs without having anyone be the boss over me. I also started going out drinking and to nightclubs but was still fearful / cautious of men and never even gave my number out, let alone hook up. I still had this intuition about keeping the n count down, so just kept the secret affair going on and didn’t let it affect my life or let anyone else know.

Anyway about a year and half into that, I was contacted out of the blue by a man I had grown up with in the cult. We had been really good friends and loved debating philosophical and intellectual ideas as teenagers, but never had a romantic relationship. He was going through a divorce and confessed he had harbored feelings for me all these twenty years. I couldn’t believe my good fortune and immediately broke up with the affair guy to start a relationship with my childhood best friend, a liberal self described feminist.

Things were going fantastically but I still missed the affair guy, and thought as a liberal atheist feminist I could have the best of both worlds. After 7 months, I suggested an open /swingers / polyamory relationship and after much honest communication that’s what we did. I resumed the affair with the full knowledge and consent of my primary partner, and allowed him to start having FWBs, ONS, and prostitutes. Even that went really well at first, both of us just having all the fun we wanted and still loving support at home. We moved into together and kept up that lifestyle for about a year.

Then a few months ago he started getting distant and withdrawn. We had a lot of differing ideas on parenting. He made a major career change. Needed time to think and figure out himself. Asked me to move back to my house which I did. Stopped having sex. He got really busy with work and asked for space which I respected. Then stopped seeing each other in person. Then no telephone calls. Now no texts in almost a week. Two weeks ago he came to the realization that he’s still bothered by a night out six months ago when I was supposed to hookup with the affair guy then see my boyfriend but I drank too much and passed out and didn’t hear my phone so boyfriend ended up unable to reach me and out in the cold and took an Uber home. As soon as he told me that, my heart sank and I realized all this feminist / polyamory have-it-all lifestyle was a sham. I acknowledged my wrongdoing, sincerely apologized to him, and immediately definitively ended the affair. I’m still giving him space and not going to contact him until he reaches out to me, if he ever does. We haven’t “broken up” exactly but we’re not exactly together either.

The past few weeks I have been thinking deeply about all of this, starting to explore spirituality/ meditation, going to a new church, getting enough sleep, staying sober, and making healthier choices. “Nun mode” I guess. I really enjoy sex and this is the first time in my adult life to be without steady access to it. Even before stumbling onto this Reddit, I had decided to try celibacy for some time until I am in a better place to make decisions going forward. I honestly don’t know if I will be able to save the relationship that is so important to me. And if not, whether I will want to ever have a man in my life, especially while I’m still raising kids. If anyone actually read through all of this, thank you! Honest feedback is welcome.

TL;DR cult to abusive marriage to affair to BP open relationship to nun mode. What now?