TL;DR: I was a jealous boyfriend before but I was an alpha in the relationship, I dominated (I was still kind of beta in terms of personality), I am dating the same girl again, now I am completely beta and can't dominate her, I feel bad because I feel jealous. What are your thoughts about this and jealousy/being controlling in general?

Hey guys, I've just found this sub for a week ago and I am glad that I found it! You guys seem to really have taken the red pill and I believe you see the reality clearer than most. Even though I don't agree with everything that's been said here, still I found most of it to be very useful.

Little about me: I've been the beta or worse male for almost all my life. I've never been the leader, I always went along with anything said, I was raised mostly by my mother and my sister, I was mostly not confident about myself etc. you know the type. Only alpha part of me was that I was sometimes confident about what I do and didn't care anybody else, and surprise, those times were the happiest days of my live. Since reading this sub, a lot of things that didn't make sense started to make sense.

Right now, I am in a LTR, even worse, it's long distance. But this girl is really special for me because we've known each other for 5-6 years now and I am in my twenties. We dated for 1.5 year at first and we broke up. after 3 years of not seeing each other, we've been dating again. They are like 2 separate relationships.

First one: We were very young, I was not quite the alpha male, but still I had confident in myself, I was a little funny and interesting and I was INSANELY jealous. I even didn't want to date her just because I was too jealous and I said to her that we couldn't handle this. Surprise, this made her want me even more, and I was a good lover except being this crazy jealous type, so she insisted crazily, she made it happen, but still whenever she did something that I didn't like, I pushed her and sometimes even wanted to break up, and then she was my pet(TRP!!). She stopped doing many things that I didn't like and this went on. Even if she was like that, I kept being even more jealous and eventually we broke up. AND YES, I was the one who broke up with her, because despite of the fact that she did so much, she was still not meeting the expectations in my own eyes. Maybe I was not the literal alpha male, but I was definitely an alpha in that relationship.

Between the break up and the time we started dated again, we were exposed to LOTS OF feminist crap in the way. When we saw each other again, we talked about how my jealousy was wrong, and how it affected her etc. When we dated again, things were smooth for a little while(it was honeymoon period, we were happy but I wasn't thinking about jealousy at first, and I've told her I've changed) but my controlling, jealous part started to showing up again. I tried to hide it for a while, and maybe I could have if it was for another girl, but since this girl is someone I knew before, I expected her to be the girl I met before. But I wasn't the confident, interesting guy like before. I was definitely a beta this time. She still loved me crazily and sometimes she said to me: "If you hold on to me like before, I can do whatever you want like before, you have to be more confident about yourself and me, and then we can become one again". Thanks to TRP, this sentence makes so much sense now. Anyway, one time a male friend of her stayed at her place, I was furious and we talked about it and I let that one slide. There were small conflicts but it was mostly ok. I even said that I was in the fault because he was her friend. But in fact, I was furious because they were drunk and they were sleeping in the same room, this was too much for me. And we were in a long-distance relationship. She still said she loved me and I should hold on to her. I wasn't holding on to her and I was always like, "I don't know, I am not sure about this relationship, I am trying to get rid of my jealousy, maybe I still need time etc.". But after some time, I realized that if we are gonna keep this relationship for a long time, some stuff had to change. And there was another conflict after all these, that made me feel bad, I wanted to hold on to her, become confident and ask what I wanted from her. Another male friend of hers went to visit her(remember it's a long distance relationship so I am far away from her). I didn't say that she can't visit her, but I said to her that he can't stay at her place. I said to her that I am holding on to her from now on, we would be ONE like before and I am not crazy jealous like before, but still, a guy sleeping at her room was over the line for me. And she did it anyway. And she said things like: "this is who I am, accept me for who I am, I still love you, I am a good girlfriend, but I don't want boundaries, these are my friends, I don't want to put boundaries for them just because of you etc.". And other than these there are still some things that bother me, like one guy that keeps texting her: we were skyping the other day and when she saw a text from that guy, she smiled beautifully and that made me feel so bad. And she is going out with guys, she is drinking, she is going out of country with guys who she doesn't even know well enough. I am just standing here like "I don't know what I should do".

So I just want to know your opinions on both my situation and on jealousy/being controlling in general. I want to break up with this girl now, and I want to try to become more alpha. I don't lift now, but I started running, doing sports. I am working more now instead of procrastinating, I am more confident now, which really helps. One month before, I couldn't even think of breaking up, but now I want to. I know/assume you guys think jealousy is for betas, and I agree that it is not a good feeling, but it is kind of who I am, especially to her(like a habit, because we had a dynamic when we first dated, and it's gone now, and it makes me feel bad, beta-like), and when she was avoiding stuff I didn't like, it felt like I was alpha and it was a good feeling. She is really a caring person, she is the one that I want to marry, but if I let all these things slide, I know that I will never become the alpha in this relationship like before. I really want her to be like the first time we dated. Any opinions?

Edit: Added TL;DR

Edit2: I forgot to add this to my original post, but I've been searching on this sub for threads about jealousy, but there wasn't any(there was some for women, but not for men), which I find it surprising, I guess. I think that's another good reason to talk about this topic in general, I think. I am really curious about your thought about the subject.