Ladies, what an honor to stumble across FDS. I (33F) have spent the last few years working on myself (to better my OWN life). I was never a full blown, classic Pickmeisha BUT I believed marriage was an end goal, believed I needed a man to be happy, and dated a lot of mediocre men. Seven years ago, I made a conscious vow to change my mindset. While the points I am writing out are certainly not any new profound research… I wrote this to share my specific experience in hopes it may help some of you. Here I go:

BUILD YOUR OWN SELF-IDENTIFY Take some time to evaluate all the types of relationships in your life and ask yourself “What value is this relationship bringing in my life?” For me, this wasn't a LVM, but a group of friends who were my identify. When they no longer brought me any value, I cut off 10-15 year friendships. It was painful, lonely, and the best thing I did for myself. It was the first step in building my own self-identity.

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH LIKE-MINDED WOMEN I believe healthy female friendships are essential. As an adult, I made a conscious effort to make new female friends. I joined women’s only social groups on Meetup (met some of my now closest friends and fellow HVW this way). This was not easy for me (typically introverted and hated talking to strangers, but I knew it was important to do). My advice is put yourself out of you comfort zone... Join Meetup or Bumble BFF if those are popular in your city, find a wine club, a book club, join a female only sports league… whatever it is that interests you.

GET IN TUNE WITH YOUR EMOTIONAL SIDE If you’re someone who constantly has settled for LVM and/or believes you need to a man to be happy, it’s important to understand “WHY”. Uncovering this “why” is a part of the healing process especially if you've come out of a long-term relationship with a LVM or trying to break the constant "I need a man" thoughts. Dive deep. For me, it was a lot of reading and taking a few therapy sessions. The thing that benefited me the most was seeing a Shaman. Different things will work for different people and this will always be a work in progress.

EMPOWER YOURSELF AND TRAVEL ALONE I strongly dislike when I hear someone say “Oh I can’t do that. I have no one (a partner) to do it with”. Change that attitude and do whatever the hell you want. My (old) dream was to go to Paris and I always thought I had to do it with a man. You know what I did as soon as I cut out toxic friends? I took my damn self to Paris. Alone. Now I’ve been back twice (and to many other countries around the world solo). This has done incredible things for my confidence and happiness. I am such an advocate for female solo travel. (Yes, it is perfectly safe assuming you have normal street smarts). So please, go on that trip YOU have been dreaming about (ok, maybe wait after COVID, but don’t wait for a man to take you!).

UNDERSTAND SIMPLE STRATEGIES TO AVOID CONFUSION WITH MEN Now, let me be clear, I don’t mean sit there and dissect their every move. But some healthy reading can avoid a lot of “why didn’t he call me?” thoughts. The FDS Recommend Reading Books lists some amazing reads. There are two books in particular that resonated with me. The first, “He’s Just Not That Into You”… I read this in my 20s, and while the concept seems so simple now, when I first read it, my mind was blown. I used to have pathetic thoughts like “Why did he not ask me to be his girlfriend?” and the answer was exactly what the book title is…simple. Stop looking for more elaborate answers.

Another important FDS approved book that changed my life is “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment”. Understanding your own attachment style is important in getting in tune with your emotional side, BUT it is also important for recognizing early signs of LVM. If you look at my post history, in a moment of weakness a month ago, I have a lengthy post asking for advice on another sub about a man who asked me on a date but then seemingly got cold feet. Clearly a LVM but in that moment of weakness, I was overwhelmed with feelings of confusion. I smacked myself out of it and identified his attachment style (a fearful avoidant which if you know about attachment styles is a “hell no”). My confusion disappeared and I moved the hell on.

HVM ARE NOT FICTION They exist. I am currently single but my last relationship was with an amazing HVM. He came into my life when I finally built my own self-identity, got better in tune with my emotional side, and found new amazing female friendships. I did not do any of that stuff in hopes that a HWM would come… I did it all to be happier for ME. The man was the sprinkles to my large caramel, vanilla sundae with a cherry already on top. (Because let’s be real… no one NEEDS sprinkles on their ice cream). My point in saying this is don’t let anyone tell you that “you will never find a man like that”. And also if you're someone who believes "all men are a-holes", that is also not a good mindset. Incredible HVM exist. BUT they are not the end goal. They will simply add to your already fulfilled life.

Just some of my journey and learnings from the last few years! Like I said, I am a work in progress. I am by no means perfect and I’m going to have more moments of weakness to come, but I’ve come a long damn way and I hope this piece helps out you queens in some way. Sending lots of good energy all of your ways.