I was in a sexually abusive relationship when I was 18, sexually assaulted by my female doctor when I was 19, was raped when I was 19, sexually assaulted by two different men when I was 20, and mugged at knife point by a man when I was 22. Not many people know about my experiences, and I suppose on the outside I look like a well put together 23-year-old woman -- I'm educated, have a good career, married to a loving man, have a beautiful home with my cute puppy, and I'm fit. The truth is though that everyday is a battle for me.Everyday the memories of what has happened to me haunt me, and some days I can fight them off and just live like a normal, well functioning, productive member of society, but other days, all I want to do is a curl up in a ball and cry. A few times I have seriously considered suicide.

When I think about what happened to me, I'm filled with rage against the horrible people who have done this to me, the society that says that women are sex objects meant to please men, and even at myself for letting these things happen to me. I was such a weak girl back then, I had very low self-esteem and I was desperate for love and attention. I remember even talking with my friend's friend, and somehow the subject of rape came up. She said that women who were raped/sexually assaulted once, are likely to be raped again. She didn't know that that had happened to me, and she was just saying it very matter-of-factly, like talking about the weather. Sometimes I imagine myself in those situations again, and I think about saying "FUCK YOU! My body is not public property for you to take!" and then kicking him in the balls and leaving. I think about how I'm so much more educated now, and even confident I can say, and how these things wouldn't happen to me again. Yet I know that I'm self victim blaming, but that's only because society teaches that when bad things happen to women, it's the woman's fault and she should've known better.

And this is why I feel so strongly against porn and prostitution (and no, I don't say sex work because prostitution is not work, it's exploitation). To say that these women have the choice to go into the work is just maddening. How can a woman say no when she's naked in front of cameras and tons of clothed men, with her contract being held against her, and her livelihood at stake? I couldn't even forcefully remove myself from when I was being raped, how much more could a woman when on a porn shoot? And I feel so strongly for these women because I know what it is like to be dehumanized, reduced to a set of body parts for a man's pleasure. Once this happens to you, you just start to accept it as your identity. It's a kind of survival mode to protect yourself. I didn't accept that what had happened to me was sexual assault and rape until years later...and I had internalized the message that all I was good for was my body, and so I unconsciously sought after situations in which men would use and abuse me.

I don't know what this post was for exactly. Maybe just to see if there are other women out there who are like me... silently mourning the violations and abuses against their bodies, remaining silent because people would blame you for what had happened anyway (as some people in my life had done).