Question regarding STFU

bavvarry · 2019-11-24T05:23:51+00:00

I feel as though when people vent, they obviously want to speak and just be heard, but only to a certain extent. I think he’d love for you to side with him, reflect his passion towards the issue and validate him (unless ofc he’s really off point). Don’t take it so far as to make him feel like he’s talking to himself ya know, no one wants that. Maybe point out what’s not so bad, be optimistic, speak when he gives u the opportunity Edit omg I just realized u were in an argument haha, I guess just keep a calm energy and give him your feelings on what he said while keeping a calm manner, idk I don’t think that’s the right situation to stfu if he wants to have a conversation cuz it seems like does

vintagegirlgame · 2019-11-24T08:34:29+00:00

STFU is merely step one for how to be a Good Listener. Other skills for active listening include:

Reflecting back what has been said so that the speaker knows they have been understood (not verbatim of course).
Validating the speakers feelings and perception (acknowledgment and acceptance, even if you don’t agree)
Showing curiosity by asking questions

My fiancé struggles with feeling heard in our relationship. I often try to “make him feel better” by pointing out why he shouldn’t feel this way, which he sees as “playing devils advocate” or “taking the other side,” which is totally not my intention. I’m working on my listening skills and these are some notes in my journal that I’ve taken over my journey. He sometimes gets very angry during an argument which can put me on the defensive. Defensiveness just escalates the argument so sometimes just remembering to STFU is all I can manage, but working on the other steps too will help him feel heard and get us out of the argument.

i_cri_evry_tim · 2019-11-24T12:19:56+00:00

Might be that your STFU comes through the wrong way.

STFU works for both genders. When you partner is venting, let them vent and support them. Don’t try to point out that they may have it wrong, don’t tell them what they need to do to fix it, don’t offer to fix it for them.

Listen, and support.

If all one is doing is sitting there, looking at partner go on without uttering a single word, what it may look like is that you are waiting for them to finish annoying you with their rant so you can go back to what you were doing before they interrupted your quiet day with their nonsense.

Not saying you are doing this. Just pointing out that one must examine the way they exercise their STFU in order not to appear simply uninterested.

2019-11-24T06:07:04+00:00

Always be sure to tie a live duck to your right ankle.

vinovladykov · 2019-11-24T11:18:54+00:00

"damn, that's crazy" is a good ol reliable to fall back on

HB3234 · 2019-11-25T03:46:25+00:00

STFU is when you partner is venting at you, about you. STFU = Don't defend/ explain/ excuse/ rationalize your actions. Instead, listen til they are done. Acknowledge how they feel, validate them. Apologize. Commit to doing better.

If your partner is venting about a problem in their life, you should be offering three items, as appropriate: validation and admiration and comfort. "Sitting in even a little traffic is so exhausting, being stuck for four hours sounds like a nightmare. Especially after you've worked so hard all day at work. Can I make you a cup of hot tea?"

Title	Question regarding STFU
Author	Shadowneedshelp
Upvotes	14
Comments	11
Date	November 24, 2019 5:03 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/e0u4hb/question_regarding_stfu/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/question-regarding-stfu.296426 https://theredarchive.com/post/296426

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