Bad day at work

rocknrollchuck · 2018-06-12T14:12:19+00:00

I personally take the approach of sharing a few positive things that happened at work, as well some of the challenges I faced. I don't do this every day - instead, I direct the conversation back to her and her day so she can tell me about what's on her mind. I occasionally open up and talk about a bunch of stuff that happened on a particularly eventful day, but I am always mindful to keep it positive in a "These were the challenges I faced today, and this is how I overcame them" way.

My personal strategy since discovering RP is communicate less, not more – The whole world’s solution to relationship problems is communication. And if that’s not working, counseling, where the counselor can have you communicate some more. But when your woman comes home at the end of the day and begins to complain about a co-worker or friend of hers, and chatters on and on for 45 minutes straight about this other person you barely know and don’t care about, she doesn’t want you to offer solutions or advice. She just wants you to sit there and listen. To communicate less. As Athol Kay says, "Cheer the heroes and boo the villains." She wants you to hear her feelings, but she doesn’t want you to tell her what you think.

And when you’re having a hard time at work and may be getting fired at the end of the week, that’s the last thing she wants to hear from you. If you tell her about your worries, she’ll just worry, too, and there’s nothing she can do about the problem. So by communicating, you’ve made her sad. Especially by communicating things that make it seem like you don't have it together.

The biggest test of all will be when she comments that you never talk about yourself or express what you’re feeling to her and demands that you tell her about your feelings. But remember, this is a test, and the right answer is: Agree and Amplify: “Uhh. Let’s see. I’m feeling hungry. And horny. Definitely horny. But mostly hungry. If you’d worn a shorter skirt, maybe we could have flipped the two around, but I’m going to go get some food.” Her inner self will nod in approval when you say that. "Yup. Still a man," she'll confirm.

I think it is much better to share your frustrations with brothers in Christ. That's what men do. I mean, can you imagine Moses going home and complaining to his wife about how Pharaoh refused to "Let my people go"? While I'm fairly certain he told her about what happened, I bet he framed it from a perspective of having it handled in the power of God. I don't believe doing this robs the marriage of anything, as long as you're not shutting her out. Remember, share feelings, not facts.

Deep_Strength · 2018-06-12T16:40:50+00:00

Rules are rules for the immature.

In general I do not discuss work with my wife - it seems counter productive to red-pill goals to involve her in whatever it is that may be perturbing me.

What approach do you take? We are called to be "one" with our wives after all, but if I reveal any sort of emotional distress about work, or anything else for that matter, I get the sense that this lowers SMV. Is it better to just share frustrations with brothers in Christ and maintain frame with the wife? Or is this robbing the marriage of something?

You're operating from an immature frame of mind here. RP likes to lay down rules like "don't be emotional around women" or "only discuss positive things not bad things with women." This is a multi-layered thing, so let's walk through it step by step.

To use the analogy: It's not what you say but how you say it + it matters from whom the person it is coming.

For example, if an unattractive man is romantic to a single woman she will often think its creepy or weird, but if an attractive man is romantic to a single woman she will think its romantic and sweet and likely respond to the overtures for at least a date. This is an important dichotomy to understand -- men who do the exact same thing can get different results.

Key point: Now understand that these "rules" about not discussing emotions were made for a specific population: men who are not good with women.

Men who are not good with women tend act in a feminine manner with women: they seek to be affirmed and validated by women rather than acting in a masculine manner with them. Little more about that here. For these men discussing their emotions with women comes from a place of just blabbing it out there and expecting her to help clean up the mess like she would do with one her girlfriends. Obviously, this is unattractive to wives.

Discussing situations in your life can actually be a good thing because it bonds you closer together. If you're still more 'beta' to her then maybe it's not such as a great idea, but if you are and have been the leader it's pretty much fine anyway you do it. However, if you can and want to do it there's ways of doing it effectively. For instance, you can choose to spin it into an exaggerated story... 'So we were in a meeting and X happened... if that wasn't crazy enough to make matters worse then Y happened... then someone who didn't even know these things happened before did Z and everything went bonkers!" At the end of the story even though the situations were emotionally crazy for you they end up on a high note emotionally for you and your wife. An emotionally distressing situation does not have to be an emotionally distressing situation with your wife.

However, if you are going to share an emotionally distressing situation as an emotionally distressing situation, then just make sure you're not blabbing it out like an emotional dump like you're whining or you're asking for affirmation and comfort like one her girlfriends. You can recount the tale with all its ups and downs without communicating that you're needy about it.

The way I would do it is that I would share but first I would tease her... "Oh, you really want to know?" with a smirk and playful tone. After a little back and forth then tell her to get over here and sit on your lap while you tell her a story. Then recount the tale without letting the effects of the emotional situation of the 'past' affect my emotional state of the 'now.' Then maybe shake my head like it was too much or something along those lines. Notice that you're not whining or being needed or seeking validation from her for the situation. She will offer up affirmation or support most likely anyway and you can bask in them for fun and bonding together and you (and especially her) will feel closer together.

Understand your contextual state: Overall, the biggest contextual thing to remember is that it doesn't matter much what you say but how you say it. If you're in a marriage/relationship where you have beta tendencies... then yeah don't do this as it will probably end up coming off poorly. No one likes a whiner or complainer much less your wife. Your wife doesn't need a husband who is a "girlfriend" to dump his emotions on her for affirmation or validation.

It's not wrong to share concerns and emotions with your wife... even good... But do it from the perspective and actions of a leader. I personally discuss "whatever I want" because I've ingrained it as a habit to do it subconsciously from the perspective of a leader. It almost always gets good results. This is the difference, from the Biblical perspective, of 'knowing you are the leader' to 'being the leader.' (Not to say I'm perfect or anything but I am a bit farther in the journey at least).

Maturity of a masculine leader is understanding that there's probably nothing you can say that will shake your wife's opinion of you because you have proven you are a strong masculine leader consistently (unless you actually screwed up royally like adultery or something)... but it takes a wealth of knowledge and experience to get there.

rpsheepdog · 2018-06-12T14:15:33+00:00

I think the context and frequency you show emotion comes in to play here.

Emotion about performing well I.e. following your mission, is probably not a bad thing, as long as it does not come off as whining or the frequency becomes too high

Red-Curious · 2018-06-12T18:14:09+00:00

You are one with your wife in flesh. You are one with Christ in spirit and heart. If your flesh is having an issue, go be one with your wife. If your spirit and heart are having issues, go be one with Christ.

That said, you can tell your wife whatever you want to tell her. Just make sure you're doing it because you want to, not because you need to. If you do something out of an internal sense of compulsion, you're not coming from a place of strength, and thus you cannot maintain your frame in how you communicate. If you communicate things because it's what you want to do, then you're able to do it your way on your own terms and without weakness, so it's fine.

JT-Anderson · 2018-06-12T20:07:00+00:00

Just tell her what's going on in a non-whiny way. Demonstrate that you can face adversity without losing sight of the goal.

RedPillWays · 2018-06-13T03:37:31+00:00

I think you're spot on in your thought process. She can sympathize, but she can't empathize. She won't truly see it from your point of view as a man. If you want to connect, let her tell you about issues and you help her in that regard. She wants you to be a rock that is stable. Not someone who has a tough day at work and now she is fearful that you are going to lose your job. Remember she feels. How's that talk going to make her feel. Nothing positive is happening in that conversation, so no good feelings. I had a example today of this. A co-worker told another co-worker to quit "singing". They never said the word singing just describing what they were doing. She automatically took it as shut up and don't sing it's horrible. My co-worker just wanted quiet to think. Bottom line don't talk to her about work. Talk to your brothers. She can't fix it and she doesn't have that inclination to look for ways to fix it.

OsmiumZulu · 2018-06-17T23:04:28+00:00

I keep hard work stuff to myself unless it directly impacts her (paycheck issues, job loss, location transfers, etc)

Bring up bad days at work with her accomplishes nothing and isn’t solution oriented. Worse, whether you intended to or not, it burdens her with “weight” that is not hers to bear, but mine. She cannot help but try to help, which unless she actually can, is wasted effort on her part.

If you are serious about OYS, then OYS; don’t shift part of the burden to her and expect a carefree joyful wife.

Would you dump about your work woes to your teenage daughter? No. Why? Because 1) she can’t fix it 2) she will feel like she needs to try to make it better anyway 3) it will worry her 4) it undermines her confidence that you’ve got her 100% solidly taken care of. 5) it makes you look weak

Remember, the wife is the oldest teenager in the house and doesn’t want the responsibility of being at the helm. Don’t put it on her and OYS.

elwebbr23 · 2018-06-24T03:42:25+00:00

I usually shoot myself in the head so I can go and ask Jesus personally. Helped me out a lot so far, he always sent me back. You just gotta have the faith to do it brother.

Title	Bad day at work
Author	palmorwrist
Upvotes	8
Comments	8
Date	June 12, 2018 1:29 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/8qixiv/bad_day_at_work/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/bad-day-at-work.301898 https://theredarchive.com/post/301898

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