Kinda a rant about some mental problems.

So i've been meeting with this one girl for past 4/5 months. We've been seeing each other once a week, just in her room to fuck and talk. I've been staying for a night. We've also been writing alot. It looked like we are bf/gf if im beeing honest, even if i didn't want to.

I'm 24y old, she is the first female that im speding time with, no previous gf or sex. I never chased woman, besides getting quick oneitis for few days once every 4 years or so.

She is nice girl 20y, but here on red pill - a girl with many red flags. 12 ncount with me, 3 bfs. Comes from abusive family, no father, drunk mother. Had some suecidal thoughts, but had therapy for a half year and she is good now. I've learned that in past months, as she started to trust me. Not that i am better - about that later.

So she somewhat asked about "us" and what we are, which i dodged saying that i like spending time with her, i'm having fun and we'll see where it goes. No intention of agreeing to anything.

But yesterday she put me with ultimatum. Either im with her, or we need to "break up".

So i'm explaining to her that i dont want to say no, but im just not ready for relationship. But here's the fun starts.

I'm normally pretty stoic, i hate drama. While im trying to explain, even to myself why i dont want to commit, some kind of "PTSD" starts to kick in. When i try to just say anything, i couldnt breath, couldnt say anything, had tears in my eyes - like a little bitch that i am. She said that it was panic attack, couse she had ones too.

Basically my father is a drunk for as long as i remember. Still is. He did some retarded shit when i was a kid, even hit my mother. So my psyche is pretty fucked up. When i was younger i decided that i dont want relationship to not hurt anyone or some shit. Still can't look at him when he even takes one sip of a beer, but i just decided to ignore all the stuff he does so i can remain calm. And yes i confronted him about it, we even fought few times when he was drunk... I still can't explain to myself what im feeling, but im sensing it something to do with it, cause my thougths have been drifting towards it while we've been talking.

So she decides to unveil other crazy shit from her past(like her uncle molesting her sister) in order to open me up. Which i did, i told her about my situation. And even tho i know to not show any weakness it felt rly good to open up and to finally talk with someone. She was rly understanding, having lived through some past trauma herself and dealing with it.

I don't have oneitis with her, through all those years i believed and still do, that im not capable of any feelings or im shutting them down. I'm not chasing women and so, but from what i'm reading here on trp it should be healthy thing to do for a male.

Well that's it folks, mayby u have some thoughts for me. Thanks!