Are all relationships that explore sexuality prior to marriage headed towards failure?

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January 10, 2020

I ask this because I’ve heard some sermons where Chip Ingram stated (more or less) since sexual acts are a sin and separate you from the holiness of God then those relationships are bound to fail sooner or later.

Wanted to see if you agree with that and if it’s shown to be true in your lives.

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Title Are all relationships that explore sexuality prior to marriage headed towards failure?
Author agoodcrayon
Upvotes 2
Comments 13
Date 10 January 2020 07:21 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
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[–]OrlandoTheAxe0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Definitely not all. Just look at OYS on the main sub. There are a couple guys who had premarital sex with their wives that also have stable marriages.

I almost linked to an older post where someone asked, "what's the point in abstaining?" but then I realized it's your post!

[–]agoodcrayon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah lol

[–]Deep_Strength0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

No, but they certainly increase your chance of failure.

The best thing to do if you are in one is to stop all sin and repent and do it God's way. You can't take back the sin or become "virgins" again or anything, but you can honor God now and in the future by obeying His principles.

There are many secular couples who don't divorce and are happy and have tons of sex before marriage. This is not a metric that we should base our success or fail on. The Scriptures on marriage like Ephesians 5 show us that the husband-wife marriage is supposed to model Christ and the Church, so it's a witness and model to the world of Christ.

Here's my copy and paste with the studies.

Science almost always affirms Christians views on "wisdom" in the relationships/marriage department. These points are no exception.

  • Delaying sexual contact within a relationship (early sex, later sex, after marriage sex) results in increased relationship satisfaction, better communication, less consideration of divorce, better sexual quality and other concerns.

We found that the longer a dating couple waits to have sex, the better their relationship is after marriage. In fact, couples who wait until marriage to have sex report higher relationship satisfaction (20% higher), better communication patterns (12% better), less consideration of divorce (22% lower), and better sexual quality (15% better) than those who started having sex early in their dating (see Figure 2). For couples in between—those that became sexually involved later in their dating, but prior to marriage—the benefits were about half as strong.

Probable reasoning:

For many young adults, the single life has become synonymous with hook-ups and sexual experimentation. The problem with these patterns is that proper partner selection is often difficult for sexually involved couples who experience strong physical rewards with each other, as these rewards can cause them to ignore or minimize deeper incompatibilities in the relationship. The human brain and body do not just experience pleasure during sex; they also experience strong sensations of attachment and bonding. Simply put, we are hardwired to connect. Rapid sexual initiation often creates poor partner selection because intense feelings of pleasure and attachment can be confused for true intimacy and lasting love. Early sex creates a sort of counterfeit intimacy that makes two people think they are closer to each other than they really are. This can cause people to “fall in love” with, and possibly even marry, someone who is not a good choice for them in the long run.

And some others on the same topics:

  • Divorce risk increases with sex before marriage along with lower marital satisfaction:

  • Cohabitation increases risk of divorce and lower marital satisfaction.

You will generally have a happier, more stable, more satisfying marriage if you wait until marriage to have sex and don't cohabitate. This should not be a surprise. God made us, and His recommend course of action is the best.

However, the more concerning problem is the flippant attitude towards obeying God:

If there's no consequences for not waiting and no benefits for waiting..... then I wasted like 10+ years of my life when I could have been having "fun".

This is one of the big examples of lukewarm Christianity in Revelation 3. God hates that. Either be all in or all out.

Even if there was "no consequences" or even "bad consequences" such as martyrdom, we still should focus on obeying God rather than men.

[–]agoodcrayon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the insight

[–]Red-Curious0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]CarelessBowler50 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

My wife and I had sex before marriage. Ask me anything.

[–]agoodcrayon[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Did it create problems or a divide of some sort?

[–]CarelessBowler51 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Yes. Here are some of the issues:

Shame & Secrecy: We got used to hiding our problems. Though we were both in Christian communities, we kept everything we did under the radar. This created a pattern in our relationship and for each of us personally in suppressing and hiding sin instead of repenting from it.

Wise in Our Own Eyes: Because we were having sex and keeping it secret, we sort of got an attitude of "we know what we're doing, we can get away with it, and we'll be okay." Well, we were wrong. Instead of receiving wise guidance from other believers in our relationship and for our marriage, we did it our own way. We learned a few years into our marriage that our own way (at least, my own way) really sucked.

Sex is Cheap: When sex is removed from marriage, I believe it gains meaning that it should not have. In our case, sex was something we wanted to do before marriage in part because we 'could get away with it'.' Augustine in The Confessions recounts that when he was a boy he and his friends used to steal apples. They stole not because they liked apples but simply for the sinful pleasure and thrill of stealing. Similarly, when you're sneaking around to have sex, that sinful pleasure and thrill does not make for a good sex life in a marriage. That's meaning that I did not know I needed to disentangle from sex until after we got married.

[–]agoodcrayon[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I’ve read it affects your decision making process as to who you’re marrying because the physical pleasure and attraction is so strong that you may think she was the right choice for you while really she could’ve not been wife material had you abstained and had the clarity to see who she really was.

Did this play a role in your life?

Take away sex, was she still marriage worthy?

Did it make you disregard any red flags or other incompatibilities?

If you were to provide some wisdom/insight to someone not yet married, what would it be?

In hindsight, would you have done things differently?

[–]CarelessBowler50 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Did this play a role in your life?

Yes and no.

Yes, we definitely developed a bond much closer than we would have in a relationship with proper boundaries.

No, I always saw our sexual relationship as temporary. It was only after a breakup (part of repenting of sexual sin) that I realized she was also the kind of godly, mature, family-oriented woman I wanted. Despite my own parents' protests leading up to marriage, my whole family sings my wife's praises at every family gathering. She was actually a good choice. My desire to use her for sex before marriage (before dating, she was basically a plate) blinded me to that.

Take away sex, was she still marriage worthy?

Yes. 100%. I spent my focus asking, "Is she sex worthy?" and pushed to find out instead of realizing how marriage-worthy she was. She was earnestly looking for a man to follow and respect. She had her eyes set on me, and I didn't recognize the opportunity.

Even when I was in my worst chubby beta state, she still wanted to respect me. She is self-sacrificing, thrifty, and deeply desires to serve and help others. No, she's not a supermodel, but she's godly, feminine, and the exact kind of woman I want raising my children.

Did it make you disregard any red flags or other incompatibilities?

Yes, it did. We were in the same church, both from strong Christian backgrounds, so there weren't any 'red flags' like I've read about in other relationships. There were 'incompatibilities,' but nothing that put us in the 'unequally yoked' category. In my immaturity (and focus on sex) we did not get the kind of outside counsel that would have been really helpful. I don't think outside counsel would have told us to split up, but they would have helped us focus on building non-sexual parts of our relationship in healthy ways.

If you were to provide some wisdom/insight to someone not yet married, what would it be?

Repent of your anxiety around sex. A lot of the reason we had sex was because I had FOMO. I felt like everyone was having sex but me, and I wanted to fix that. Having sex wasn't the first sin. A failure to trust God with my sexuality was my first sin.

In hindsight, would you have done things differently?

I would have told one of the mature, godly men in my life that we were sleeping together. After getting married, I've shared it with a few people, and it has blown me away how much grace and compassion these men have had on the subject. I expected them to rain down brimstone and judgment (which is why I kept it hidden at the time), but most of them have come from a, "I understand, and I want to help."

[–]agoodcrayon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for your insight man, good honest stuff.

[–]DoersOfTheWord0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nope. Married over 20 years. People like to make excuses for why their marriage failed. Our parents weren't Christians, we did this sin, porn, money, etc, etc.

[–]redwall92-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Headed towards failure"

"bound to fail sooner or later"

You've got to define your terms if you want to get a meaningful answer to whatever your question happens to be.

BUT ... either way ... What path are you on? If you're not on the path headed to where you want to go, then figure out where it is you want to go, change course, and get a move on.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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