Saw a few post tonight about men’s fashion that were either crap or just short on info, and felt compelled to make a contribution.

I don’t like to spend a lot of money on clothes. I buy shoes and socks retail (because used footwear is gross), underwear retail (because… really? ugh) and hats retail (duh).

Most everything else comes from consignment shops or thrift stores.

There are some steps to dressing well on a budget.

ONE -> Get fit.

This takes 3 months at a minimum. Seriously.

Skinny fucks:

Chicks don’t dig stick-boys at all. They would rather fuck their fingers. There are 3 things you need: creatine (minimum 10g per day, order the pure powder off eBay), lots of dietary fat, and lift. DO IT. Focus on decline/incline/overhead presses to develop your pectorals/shoulders. Chest flys help. I live on this street (tall/thin) and speak from experience.

Fat fucks:

Lose the weight, you cheetos slurping fucktard. Nobody fucking cares that daddy never loved you and mommy didn’t care and you fill the void with food. Fat people are fucking disgusting and there is no god damned excuse.

You actually have a sort of side-wise biological advantage. Fatties have significant muscle under the layers of lard from carrying their big asses around. Also they tend to bulk easily, be it fat or muscle, according to the types of food they eat. Lose the fat and lift and your body will look amazing in some nice clothes.

Diet concerns? NO bread. NO sugar. NO candy. Meat and cheese and yogurt and veg. Lots of veg. Eat veg like you wish you fucked vag.

That bread you’re eating? That is a big fucking bread-y dick that you are swallowing. Do you love the cock? No. Prove it, piggy. Trash the bread.

Those fries? Chips? Potatoes are the things that make you look like a fucking potato. Bitches don’t fuck potatoes. Quit being a fucking potato and trash the fries/chips. Then maybe bitches will look AT you instead of looking away.

That candy bar you’re stuffing in your fat fucking face? It is the turd of every person who ever hated on you for being fat. When you eat that snicker hershey mess you are eating the SHIT of your haters. You are a shit eater.

Stop eating shit.

Downmod me if you want but god dammit clean up your diet you fat greasy fucking shitheel.

If you are skinny or you are fat, spend 3 solid months lifting and dieting. Skinny fucks, 50%/30%/20% fat/protein/carbs macros, fat asses 50%/40%/10% fat/protein/carbs macros. Stronglifts 5x5 is a good starting point, get the app. Skinny bastards add incline/decline/seated-overhead presses in the same measure as your normal bench. Just do it.

TWO -> Get over your football macho fantasies.

When you wear shit clothing like a “rebel” (read: hobo) you won’t look like James Dean, you’ll look like the other 100 hobos lined up beside you. Worn out shorts and a sports/band t-shirt with a ballcap is for trailer trash and everybody knows it. Fuck that.

Today’s rebel wears a blazer with sleeves rolled up and possibly a bit of patent leather. Open your mind.

THREE - >Find a style that suits you.

After you address your body (getting fit, takes 3 months minimum) you are ready to start dressing yourself.

There is an easy way to do it.

Look online for books on men’s clothing and how to dress. Read the books, learn the basic rules of men’s fashion.

Then find a celebrity you look like. Be realistic. You are a fit, determined, grown-ass man, right? So be true to yourself. Pick half a dozen famous assholes that you maybe look like and ask friends/family/whoever which ones they think you resemble the most.

Take their advice and go with the most votes. That celeb is now your “avatar” and will be addressed as such for the remainder of this post.

Remember that celebs pay people to tell them how to dress. Famous people shell out good money to find out what looks good on them. You can benefit from that advice by using publicly available images at no cost to you.

Go to Google images or Pinterest and look at what that celeb wears. Quantify the body type that the person has. Research that body type. Notice the clothing styles, maybe make some notes in your phone.

Now you’re in position to update your wardrobe.

FOUR - > Go to stores and buy stuff.

Start at retail shops.

Spend most of your money on shoes. The first thing a bitch looks at is your shoes.

The shoes basics: a pair of Chuck Taylors, neutral color. Shiny black dress shoes. Shiny brown dress shoes. Some sandals (heel strap ftw). A pair of cowboy boots. A pair of nice sneakers (New Balance or better).

Remember, Oxfords not Brogues. And pry open your wallet you cheap fuck. Good shoes will last for years, cheap shoes are dead in a month. I’ve had my black patent leather cowboy boots ($200ish) for almost 10 years now and they still look awesome.

Short guys, make sure to ask for dress shoes with a “Cuban heel”. Shoe store sales persons will know what that means. Wear a hat. Vertical stripes on shirts are your friend, Skinny jeans make your legs look longer. Clothing can make you look 6 inches taller. 2 inch heels on your boots, another 2 inches from your hat, an (illusionary) inch from the skinny jeans and another (illusory) inch from the vertical stripes on your shirt. Want to make 5”2” into 5’8” with clothing? Done.

Underwear? Anything but white briefs or speedos. Boxers or boxer briefs, maybe colored briefs for work if you’re blue collar.

Socks? What does your avatar wear? Does it match your clothes? Get that sort. You can go cheap if you like, Kenneth Cole is good value for the money. Don’t forget to buy a few pairs of argyle socks or wierd stripy socks just to make a statement.

Get at least 2 belts. Real leather, metal buckles, one brown and one black. Your best bet is flat leather, they go with everything. Match the belt to your shoes, black belt with black shoes, brown belt with anything else.

Ok, time for fun… hit the consignment/thrift shops!

Find shirts/pants/jackets that resemble the style of your avatar and buy them. Buy too many, buy things you think are ridiculous, have fun with it. Go alone and don’t ever ask any advice, just buy clothes. Remember, if you don’t feel a bit uncomfortable with your selection, you aren’t trying hard enough.

Take your purchases home and try them on, find different things that seem to work together. Don’t be afraid to look a bit odd, that draws attention. You don’t want to look like just another yuppie fuck, you want to look like someone who has taste in clothing and dresses for their own self. Go nuts, have fun with it. If you have a full length mirror then strike poses in different outfits and find what looks good. Your mind will internalize this and you’ll find yourself posing unconsciously when you’re talking to people. Enjoy it.

Buy hats last to match your pants/shirts/avatar style.

One last note: if you don’t feel uncomfortable, you aren’t working hard enough.

Remember that haters gonna hate, hoes gonna hoe. You trying to fuck haters or hoes? I thought so. You do you, bro. Every girl’s crazy for a sharp dressed man.

Good luck.

Before long your plate’s roommate will forget her keys and her cellphone on the way out the door because she was checking you out. That embarrassed look she has when she comes back in to get them?

Worth every fucking penny.