I grew up in an unstable household with a distant mother, so it was no surprise that as I grew older I began to depend on validation and attention from women. This story is cringeworthy, but it's my story, and I share it without any shame. After all, life is about learning from our mistakes. It's full of Red Pill examples, but I leave out RP corollaries for the reader to draw. To set the context: I chased this girl for years because she was stunningly beautiful.

When I was fifteen, I met a girl online, fourteen, who lived a few states away. We had an "online relationship". Five months later, she wanted to become exclusive. At the same time, there was a girl at school who recently said she liked me. I felt torn in that I didn't want to give commitment to a girl from the internet because I wanted a physical relationship, yet I was needy and afraid to lose even any female validation. They fought each other in glorious 2000-style Yahoo! chat wars. I told the online girl that if she wanted to be exclusive, she should come visit me for spring break. She said her Dad would never let that happen because she was only fifteen. I begged and pleaded. After she made it clear that I wouldn't see her until she turned eighteen, I decided to hang out with the girl from school. She blew me. I told the online girl about what happened and she "dumped" me and said I "cheated".

The next day I told the girl from school that I "chose" her. She was happy at first, but a few weeks later she dumped me for her ex-boyfriend. Partnerless, I hit up the girl from online. I was shocked to learn that she already found a new online boyfriend and that she was flying out to California to live with him in a few weeks. She was only fifteen and her boyfriend was well into his forties. What about all that Dad stuff she told me about? This triggered a latent-addiction in me: the desperate need for love that boys who come from drug-addicted families often develop.

I thought about her all the time -- for years on end. I followed her blogs and photo albums and fell for her immense beauty. Every year or so I'd hit her up and try to win her love back. She'd have no problem telling me intimate details about her sex life with her boyfriend and how I'd never measure up. My torch-bearing continued until I was twenty-three. Around this time, something changed. She'd complain about her boyfriend, things like how she didn't want to deal with his aging, how she was repulsed by him, how he flirted with other women, and how he emotionally abused her. She began to look at me as an attractive substitute -- I was the same age as her, having fun in college, and following my passions. I was at the peak of my life: I had just ran a 20 mile marathon, I was acing school, and I had a thriving music life. After seven years of chasing her, I finally won her over.

She began cheating on her boyfriend with her new internet boyfriend: me. They'd watch movies together and the whole time she would secretly Skype sexual pics to me. We'd get naked on cam, and I'd console her when she complained about her boyfriend's lack of sexual prowess. "He's so old", she'd joke. After months of digital cheating, I was back to my original problem: I wanted a real relationship, not just an online one. She said she could never leave her boyfriend because I "cheated" on her and she could never trust me again. I demanded she stop fucking him and come live with me. She refused. I did something I never considered in the seven years I obsessed about her: I told her to fuck off and ghosted.

Interestingly, after I disappeared she began to secretly follow my digital presence. A month after I "left" her I began dating this banging hot chick. It wasn't more than a week or two after I posted pictures of myself with the new chick that she called me out of the blue and said she "missed me." That shocked me -- this girl never pursued me once in years!

Eventually, the new girlfriend didn't work out: one day she was pressuring me to move in with her and the next day she was breaking up with me for no reason. Partnerless again, I began to let the online girl back into my life. Our internet relationship was again erotic and exciting just like it was before. I ultimately convinced her to leave her boyfriend. She agreed. I was told that it hit him like a train. He was destroyed. He had no idea his girlfriend was sending nudes while they watched movies together on the couch. Imagine it: he takes care of this hot thing for years, and out of left field she falls in love with somebody twenty years younger and decides to simply abandon their life. A few months later she moves in with me. Great, right?

We were together for four years. The sex was amazing at first. But slowly things fell apart. I had to talk her into sex. I went from being in the best shape of my life to being 40 pounds overweight. My life began to revolve around her: I drove her to nursing school everyday because she was afraid to drive a manual, I worked as a freelance software engineer to afford our household bills, and I racked up credit card debt to take care of ourselves. But I had a hot girlfriend, and I loved taking her places. It gave me so much confidence to be seen with her, and society and other women treated me differently.

One night we had a fight about the car situation. I wanted her to drive her own ass to nursing school. Instead of learning how to drive the manual transmission car I owned, she tried convincing me to buy an automatic transmission car. We ended up going to the car dealership and I considered ponying up $21k for a new car. As insane as I had been this whole time, I somehow experience a strange intuition that told me not to buy the car. I told her that we should wait to buy the car until she gets her nursing job. We agree that she'll start taking the bus to school. Even though we had this disagreement, I thought we were cool. Sure, my life was falling apart because I took care of her like a child. Sure, I had hidden resentment. And sure, I had to talk her into sex. But she never expressed a single thing wrong with our relationship. In fact, she talked all the time about having three children and how she wanted to start a daycare business with me and raise our children at home.

At this point, we're almost four years into our relationship. She's just about to graduate from nursing school and get her first job in her mid-twenties. My freelance contract is about to expire in a few weeks. After that, my income will have totally dried up. My credit cards are 95% maxed out. I tell her how anxious I am. She says, "Don't worry, baby, I finish nursing school in a few weeks and then I'll start bringing in $60k/yr! I can take care of us for a few months until you land another contract" This relieves my mind.

One night I'm at my business partner's house working on the soon-to-expire contract. I call my girlfriend and ask if she's home. She says no, she stopped by my Dad's place on the walk home from school. A little context: my Dad's an alcoholic and my brother lives with him and slams heroin every day. I tell her I don't like her hanging around there. She says "Okay... I'm coming home now, baby."

Soon I cash my last freelance check. Around the same time she's hanging out at my Dad's house more often on her way home from school. She says she stops by because it's a convenient location for water and rest. I believe her because it makes sense logistically and it's just before the bus stop. One night I'm home and she's still out, so I call her. She says she stopped by my Dad's and decided to stay a little longer and watch a movie. We get in an argument about her staying there. I say, "Well, whatever, we'll figure it out. When are you coming home?" She goes silent. I say, "I get this weird feeling that you aren't going to come home. You are going to come home tonight, right?" She says, "I think I'll just... stay here tonight." I say, "Umm.. when are you going to come home?" She says, "I'm not sure... maybe I won't." Cue: my turn to get hit by a train. "Are you saying you're leaving me?" She says "I guess so." I ask her about her graduation event from nursing school in a few days. I ask if I can still come. She says "it would be awkward." I tell her how incredible it is that she had me drive her to school for a year and pay her education bills only to have her cut me out at the last minute. She doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from.

I spend the next few days sobbing uncontrollably. On day #3 she finally comes home. I'm crying in bed. She opens the door and says, "Where's my towel?" I say "What do you mean?" "My favorite towel, you know the one I like. Where is it?" I say "My life is destroyed, I haven't seen your towel." She goes into a rage and starts tearing up the house looking for her towel. She finds it and leaves.

A week or so later she gets a moving truck and packs up all her possessions. As insane as it sounds, I help her move. As I'm unloading her stuff in her new apartment, I see a picture of my brother on her nightstand. "What's this?" I ask. She says, "Umm.. nothing." I say, "Are you... into my brother?" She says "Umm, I don't know." I say, "Then why do you have a fucking picture of him by your nightstand?" "Okay, fine, so we get along." I scream, "Have you been cheating on me with my brother?" She says, "I can't answer that." I'm shaking at this point and shrieking, "You have to tell me... did you fuck my brother while we were still together?" She makes a sad face that says she did, but her lips say, "I can't answer that." I tell her that "You're fucking dead to me and you will NEVER hear from me again, goodbye."

I end up getting an STD test because my girlfriend was fucking my brother, an IV drug user, while she was negotiating sex with me. Luckily the test is clean. But I still find myself $65,000 in debt, without a job, and severely traumatized. I spend a few months trying to escape my dark prison. One day, out of the blue, she shows up at my door with my brother. She has this sexy-teasing kind of smile on her face. She said she came over to pick up some cans of soup she left. I give them to her and they go home. A month later she calls me and demands I pay her $10 for something that was billed on her credit card. I give her $10 and blacklist her number.

Where am I today? Well, this all happened virtually two years ago exact. Today I am making over $120k/yr in software, living in a beautiful house in a different state, fully healed, paying off $2k in debt a month, and back on a spiritual journey and wiser then I ever have been. I'm getting back into my music and losing weight. I'm somewhere between Red Pill and MGTOW these days. Not that that matters. I'm living a healthy life. And I no longer engage in love addictive behaviors. I've had no contact with her for 22 months and I will never contact her again.

I shared this because it's an extreme example of how you can let a woman destroy your life. I wonder if my case is a rare and extreme... or if it's actually fairly common. I mean, a lot of guys are selling their souls just to get a girl to blow them or pay attention to them. They have no idea what will happen once they "win the prize." This all happened to me before I learned about Red Pill. I can't help but see the corollaries.

It was my lack of confidence in myself and my desperation that attracted a partner to destroy me. I'm not excited to get back into dating. However, because of that desperation, I couldn't see what was happening. While I'm much healthier now, women today seem narcissistic and I'm not sure I want to leverage my awesome life for sex or a vague promise of companionship. I hope you guys are careful out there and don't throw away anything for a woman. It's not worth it. Focus on yourself. Always maintain frame. And you'll attract better partners then I inevitably did.