EDIT: to clarify - a lot of the vocal community, I mean. Have been corrected below, and it is stupid to assume the vocal majority are the majority.

I'm not going to make any friends with this. I'm not purposely trying to stir up BS or antagonise users. I've gained a tremendous amount of benefit from hanging around on these forums and soaking in the material and asking for advice and taking on that advice and applying what I've read.

However, obviously, not every post or comment is of the same quality and it's important to sometimes remind ourselves how full of shit a lot of us are.

Two years ago I would have been afraid of the judgement of this community or any community at large. I would not have invited such bitterness from a large group of people because I was so invested in other people's opinions.

It is actually this community that helped me get to stage where I simply don't care what other people think of me any more. I know who I am and that's all that matters. People are mirrors, some are clearer than others, all can be used to learn about yourself, but only you can truly know who you are.

What prompted this and why am I being such a twat? I made a post the other day about whether it is a sign of weakness or strength to avoid antagonising an aggressive person. I'd say around 20% of the comments were of the mature kind that didn't see the value in escalating a situation, and didn't see a need in asserting their dominance. They were, thankfully, the most upvoted.

The others, quite a vocal majority, the ones who inspired me to write this, could not fathom how you could let someone say 'I will smash your face in', look them in the eyes, and turn away in disregard. They said we should escalate those situations, we should show him and people around us that we're dominant so as to not appear like a coward or a pussy or lose social status.

First, this post is not about that specific situation. If you have an opinion on it, go voice it in that thread. The reason I made that post is because I was intrigued by how the community might respond. We harp on about strong frame and outcome independence and positive masculinity and confidence... and yet the majority of the advice I've seen based on a fairly charged situation is completely opposite to what those things imbue you with.

I only know this because I have a history of quite nasty violence, I have been insecure, unhappy, depressed, aggressive and on the edge all the time, and, now at 30, I am finally experiencing what I would consider true confidence due to.. lifting! Which is another great suggestion from here.

So why did I disregard such an aggressive situation and, despite a massive increase in testosterone from lifting, not feel the need to be aggressive myself in the slightest? I can only put it down to being in a happy and secure mood that day and having a very strong frame that nobody was going to pull me out of.

I have been trying to overcome my fear of public speaking recently and have started to disregard anxiety that comes up and just force my will. That day, I did exactly that and managed to give a quick update to a team of 40 developers I work with. It was painful, but I did it... and I'm doing it again next week and every week until I overcome those issues. It's not much, but it's an important milestone. I'm growing stronger physically, mentally and emotionally.. I have also booked a one-way to Thailand and have started working on an online business. I have also finally started to overcome my need for validation, intimacy and sexual gratification.

..So when somebody aggressively challenges me later that day, I feel absolutely no inclination to be violent or respond with aggression or protect my pride or prove myself or anything. I'm simply too content.

But what's even more important, and the reason I'm writing this here instead of in my journal, is that I believe the above is a great example of what strong frame is, and yet the majority of the responses to my post showed nothing but weak frame. The need to prove yourself IS weak frame. The fear of appearing like a coward or losing social status IS weak frame. Responding to aggression with aggression IS weak frame - you're entering someone else's frame. They have essentially caused you to behave a certain way. If that isn't weak frame, I don't know what is.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck was posted here around a week ago and got plenty of upvotes.. here is one of the sub-headings:

Subtlety 2 - to not give a fuck about adversity, you must first give a fuck about something more important than adversity.

It's a massive disappointment to see such contradictory BS in a place that promotes all of those healthy attitudes above.

The other intention of writing this post is to inspire newbies who aren't quite there or are struggling -- lift, go to therapy, push your comfort zone, read books, keep improving yourself. The more you invest in yourself the less you give a shit about what other people think (especially women). You will get there. I didn't think I'd ever be able to overcome my insecurities 2 years ago. I still struggle at times, but the high of feeling secure is just too damn satisfying. I don't even entertain my insecurities any more. Fuck 'em. Those thoughts will rarely serve you and they will not simply go away. Accept them and move on.

I didn't write this to berate the community, I'm not some high-and-mighty monk who has all the answers. I'm just making what I believe to be an important observation that will hopefully help others navigate these murky waters.