I'm about to give a gift to both of my sons, at least I see it as a gift and hopefully they will too. I covered quite a bit so forgive the length. I think I've captured most of the key points but am interested in any feedback. Thanks in advance for reading...

Dear X & X

I thought I would give you a gift, not a gift in the normal sense of the word but rather, as your dad, advice on how I feel you could contribute positively to your life and apply some of the golden principles that I try (not always successfully) to use in my own life.

You will need to learn and get through life in your own way and at your own pace anyway but some guidance from me will hopefully help, especially as you get older and have to face the adversities that life can and will throw your way.

You, and by you I mean people in general, me included, rarely learn life’s lessons immediately, sometimes it takes time for thoughts, actions and behaviours to sink in, this is called the process of internalization. If someone gave me this advice many years ago and of course if I was willing to listen my life would have been better and more enriched. Having said that though my life hasn’t been bad and if all of the negative things that happened to me went someway to shaping me into the person I am today then so be it.

What I am giving to you is over forty years worth of experience and advice drawn from my life in general and including all of the mistakes that I have made along the way.

There is no particular order to the points below.

Friends Ensure you have good friends around who have your best interests at heart and have a positive influence on you. Good friends can provide inspiration to your life and can support you when you need it. Don’t ever surround yourself with friends who disrespect you or fair weather friends who are only there when things are going well for you. Of course the reverse is true, be a good friend back and support them in when it’s appropriate.

Always however make time for yourself, isolate yourself at times so that you can reflect on you, your life, your position in life, your goals, your achievements. Use this time to plan, create, learn and detoxify yourself, basically use your own time effectively.

Family You only have one family of origin, enjoy it and appreciate it. In our case appreciate what we had and embrace what we have now. Respect your family, even if you don’t get along, even if you have differences of opinion always, always respect your family members. If they piss you off then confront them in a positive, non-threatening and aggressive way and try to understand their thought processes, why are they being this way, is there a reason or is this part of their personality? If you feel there is constant disrespect then remove yourself from the situation. This may mean temporarily or it may mean you have to distance yourself more permanently BUT always maintain some semblance of respect for every member of your family.

You may or may not choose to create your own family one day. Make sure that it is a choice, your choice; do not let someone make a choice for you. Having a family is an enormous responsibility and will require you to man up. It’s not enough to just be present; you must do more than this. It’s not enough just to provide materially, there are other obligations you have. In my opinion one of if not the most important aspect of a healthy child is a well balanced psychological frame of mind. This means being emotionally healthy and strong, being able to bounce back from life’s difficulties and building a healthy self esteem, it is your responsibility to implement this. An environment where there is constant shouting and screaming, aggressiveness or highly charged emotions is not a suitable environment to bring a child up in. Providing a calm living environment is vital for a healthy child’s state of mind. This doesn’t mean however that there should never be conflict, conflict is part of life, just try to minimise it. Try to ensue this is the type of environment that you as a parent aim to provide for your children.

First off you must choose the right woman to be the mother of your children. I cannot stress how important it is that you choose a woman who is well balanced, kind, calm and ideally comes from a good and stable background.

Do not rush into having a family. Use contraception; make a conscious, mature, logical and clear headed choice to start a family. Have a family at the right time, when you are established, secure and mature enough.

Women Treat women respectfully but always remember that you are the man. Do not accept unsuitable women with unsuitable behaviours into your life, women aren’t special snowflakes – they’re human with human failings just like men are. Your woman should enhance your life not add complexity to it. You are the captain and your woman is your first mate, you are in charge. Remember though that being in charge comes with responsibilities. You have to be responsible for your emotions and you have to act in a masculine way, this is what attracts feminine women to men. No woman wants to be burdened with your problems, remember – you are the captain.

What women say and what they do can be two totally different things, watch out for this, look for their actions and not their words. Their words can be intoxicating but they are just words.

Women generally have a higher emotional intelligence than men and also are generally more emotionally driven as opposed to logically driven; their feelings drive their actions in a lot of cases.

Never invest your entire identity with a woman, have your own identity, do your own things and be your own person. You have no need to settle down early, you have a life to live so go and live it and enjoy it. You can settle down at any age if you want, your freedom is one of your most important attributes.

There is too much on this subject to write down! Women will probably be your biggest challenge in life!!

Finances Make sure you always have money, always make sure you have rainy day money to get you out of tight spots. Believe me there will be times when you need to tap into the rainy day money, hopefully not too often though.

Get into the habit of saving, watch your money grow and you will feel inspired to keep going. Once this habit is ingrained you will always hopefully have some money somewhere that can get you out of a tight spot.

Unfortunately money is important, not of itself but what it represents; money allows you freedom, freedom to do things that a lack of money will take away from you. Money will buy you experiences which in my opinion are one of the foundations of life. Try to buy things outright with money saved and do not incorporate a credit way of living, loans, credit cards, store cards are all negative things to have and once you get into the habit of living on credit it is very difficult to break.

Make sure that you have more money coming in than going out, account for every outgoing you have and ensure that your income is always higher.

Security Give yourself security, work towards owning a house outright so that whatever happens in life you have shelter that you and only you own. You can always rent out or sell a property that you own and this will give you a sense of security. If you own a house or houses then you won’t have to worry about finding money to put a roof over your head as you age.

Own a house or houses!

Marriage The concept of marriage is in essence a good ideal and creates a secure bond, especially for children; unfortunately in today’s society the reality is different. Many men work hard their entire lives and when a marriage breaks down they are invariably the ones that suffer the most – emotionally and financially. If you do get married (don’t) then try to keep some finances separate, your house and some savings particularly. Make sure you have a contingency to fall back on should anything go wrong.

Remember, you can have a relationship that is pretty much the same as a marriage; you don’t need to get married.

Nutrition It’s important to eat right; the amounts that you eat and type of food you eat dictate many things, your emotions, your moods, your body shape, your internal biology and your overall well-being. It’s essential that you understand nutrition in a basic way to be able to apply it to your own life. Not only will you increase your general healthiness but you will keep diseases at bay, you will extend your own life by many years and in the process you will look good and feel good. Foods that contain fibre, nutrients, vitamins, proteins are generally good foods. Try to cook your own meals, eating out should be a once in a while treat. As a general rule the number of calories you consume should be balanced by the number of calories you use.

Use the Internet to find out what good nutrition looks like and how you could adopt it into your own life.

Fitness As with nutrition exercise is another fundamental factor in your overall fitness and wellbeing. Exercise is my number one core wellbeing activity. I’ve kept myself fit for many years and not only does it keep me looking relatively good but it also helps with my state of mind and my moods. There are many different exercises you can do but I would recommend:

• Lifting weights – use compounds exercises such as squats, dead lifts, chest and shoulder presses. A compound exercise is one where a number of muscles are used at the same time as opposed to just one muscle. • Cadio – I used to run but from my understanding running put a lot of pressure on your joints and as you age this can cause you problems. Exercises such as swimming, rowing, cross training will help build your lung capacity without the issues that can come from running. However, if I was unable to go to the gym then I would still run as it’s better than doing nothing. • Sport – Engage in a sport for enjoyment as well as fitness. Sports help with male bonding, confidence, improving your ability, competitiveness and learning. • Martial art – This is something I never did properly and I wish I had. Learning a martial art will do many things, it will keep you physically and mentally healthy, will help you develop your sense of self discipline, will enable you to be able to defend yourself should you find yourself in that situation and add to your self confidence. There are many different types, just research a few and see what you think would suit you and/or interest you.

Sleep Sleep is fundamental to your mind functioning, try to get seven to eight hrs a night. If you have problems sleeping try some of the following:

• Sleep in a dark room, make sure you have good heavy curtains that block the light out • No unnecessary electronic devices, no TV, no phones, no I-pads etc... none • Listen to some calm relaxing music / classical/meditative/nature etc... • Read, reading is good for the soul and for your brain, it will also help you to fall asleep • Clear your mind, very hard to do but it can be done, meditation helps with this

Before you go to bed do not:

• Smoke anything within the last hour • Drink tea or coffee within the last couple of hours • Exercise within the last couple of hours

Sleep is critical and a lack of it will start to cause you issues, physical and more importantly mentally.

Physical appearance Be aware of and work on your physical appearance:

• First and foremost exercise! Covered previously... • Dress good, dress for your body shape, tight fitting but not ridiculously skinny clothes look good. Buy good quality items but understand that good quality does not necessarily mean expensive, look after your clothes, try not to stain them, wash and dry them correctly, use dry cleaners when required. Get yourself a couple of suits and suit jackets. • Smell good, have a selection of nice aftershaves, use them sparingly, don’t overdo it. • Moisturise you face, this will keep your skin looking good for as long as possible. • Minimise sun exposure, a tan may look nice but will age your skin, never go under sun beds, never go out in the sun without some form of skin protection • Have a good haircut that suits your face, try different styles, and don’t be afraid to experiment • Grow a beard, experiment with different types, • Brush your teeth religiously, floss each night, if you need some dental work then do it, get a brace, whiten your teeth. • As you get older you may need to trim. Buy a good quality trimmer and trim any unwanted hairs – nose, eyebrows, ears wherever... Unfortunately this is what happens to us men 

Basically experimenting will allow you to see what looks good for you and on you.

Learning Learning something, anything, is good for your brain but try to learn something relevant. When you were young I spent many years gaining a degree. I did this for many reasons – my own sense of achievement, to expand my knowledge in a particular area but fundamentally I now have an academic qualification that would enhance my ability of getting good job if I ever choose/need to.

I’m currently doing a psychology diploma and this is also useful. Although I have no intention of being a psychologist learning about psychology enables me to have a better understanding of myself and people in general. I would recommend considering learning about this subject.

Whenever you come across a word you don’t understand then Google it to find out what it means. Adopt new words you come across into your conversations. Have the ability to slide up and down the scale with people in terms of conversing from an intellectual stance.

Read! There is a section on this.

Goals Set yourself goals in life, start off with small goals that you can easily achieve, this then creates a positive feedback loop that helps with your self esteem and self confidence. It may be something like reading a few times a week or studying a course or completing an exercise plan. It doesn’t matter what it is but setting yourself goals is good for discipline with the added benefit that you get something back out of it. It’s a win win situation!

Plan – do – fail or achieve – reflect – repeat Fail, often! This may sound counter intuitive but failing is part of the process of learning. At least you are displaying the courage to attempt to do something. Set yourself goals/targets and if/when something goes wrong you will learn from it.

Creativity Do something creative with yourself and your life, something that you can lose yourself in.

I’ve always found music to be my creative buzz and I’m pissed that I never did anything with this when I was younger. I have tried to instil this in you over the years although it’s only now that I realise just how important this is. Music doesn’t have to be your thing, writing, acting, sculpting, drawing are all good creative outlets but I would guess that both of you as am I are more attracted to music.

Anything creative will give you an outlet and this is a good thing.

A life purpose This is probably quite a difficult one but if you can find or create a purpose in life then do so, something that is bigger than just you. Something positive and something that contributes to you, this is probably one of the more difficult ones on this list to acquire. Having a life purpose has been shown to increase people’s general happiness and well being, that being said I don’t think that I have a specific life purpose and I manage to get by.

Growth You will grow throughout your life, I don’t mean grow in terms of physically I mean emotionally, perhaps spiritually, culturally or religiously. This is normal and is a good thing, embrace this aspect, this is what leads to a man becoming a man. Travel, expand your horizons, learn languages, read and maybe live in a few different places.

It’s all about life experience...

Read

Reading is one of my core principles.

I truly believe that reading has contributed to my overall intelligence. I started reading early on and it has definitely helped me in lots of ways, expanding my knowledge, giving me a better vocabulary, enabling me to understand certain concepts. I’ve read lots of different genres but over the last few years I tend to read more personal development material as this has the added bonus of assisting with your growth. I would advise attempting to read some of the key personal development books out there, there are lots and some are not as good as others. Just use the net to find the good ones and read them.

Read.

Gratitude Always be grateful for what you do have, even in your darkest moments try to reinforce your mind into thinking in a grateful way. If you are still breathing, be grateful, if you have full use of your mind and body then be grateful, if you have people that you can call up be grateful. Always, always incorporate gratitude into your life, it will make you happier.

Don’t however use gratitude as a way not to evolve and progress, don’t let gratefulness for what you have dull your quest to better yourself and achieve more for yourself.

Habits A habit is a behaviour or set of behaviours that you have internalized. Repetition reinforces habits.

• Develop good habits • Lose bad habits

This is an important point to understand, when you condition yourself to do or not do something you are creating a habit.

Being a man Men are made, they are not born. Boys don’t just naturally grow into men. Proper Manhood needs to be earned and in most if not all cases the growth into a man involves an element of pain. How you process pain, how you come back from it, how you manage to maintain your core values in the face of pain is in essence one of the elements of being a man.

Look at people in the eye, stand up straight, live by your values, improve yourself in all ways, look after those who deserve you but discard those who don’t positively contribute to your life.

Hold frame, by this I mean apply calmness to yourself emotionally in any given situation. It’s very very easy to have emotional reactions and I’ve done this many times but being able to hold frame is a good skill to have. Controlling your emotional reactions is an important ability to learn.

You’re a product of your choices, you may have incorporated behaviours due to your upbringing and your genes but ultimately you choose how to act. You can create improvements to yourself by being mindful of this, processing it and attempting to change it if required.

Pain I’m sorry boys but you will experience pain, I can only hope that you experience it rarely and that the nature of it is not too hurtful. Accept it, accept that pain exists and that it is normal to experience pain. There is always an end to pain but you can speed up your recovery from it by applying some of the principles I have discussed. Always let yourself feel pain, experience it, process it, go through it and not around it, don’t bottle it up or let it settle into bitterness or resentment. Cry if and when you need to, it can help, just do it in your own company or in front of me. Own your pain and allow it to transform you in a positive way.

There is a saying that wisdom is nothing more than healed pain so attempt to learn from life’s painful periods.

Fear There will be times when you are afraid, this is fine and perfectly normal. Try however to distinguish between rational fear and irrational fear. To fear rationally is a good thing and helps to keep you alive – an example of this is someone threatening you with a weapon, its normal in these situations to feel fear and react accordingly. However there will also be times when you experience irrational fear – talking in front of people, fear of the dark etc......

In these instances you need to apply more control and rationality, use your logical mind to question your fear to overcome it.

Anger Having anger isn’t a bad thing, how you process your anger is what you need to watch out for. Violence from anger is never a good thing and is something that must be controlled. Use exercise or sports as an outlet to manage your anger.

Doubt There will be moments when you have doubts about something, this is ok and is perfectly normal. Constant re-occurring doubts can sometimes mean something though, listen to them, question the origin of them and try to work out why you are having these doubts.

Instinct Your instincts will more often be right than wrong, act more on your instincts; I don’t do this enough and it is something I’m working on. Understand the difference between instincts and insecurity. Generally instincts come from a place of calm rational thought and insecurity comes from a place of emotion.

Depression You may at some point in your life experience depression, I hope you don’t, it’s an awful thing to experience and is a combination of helplessness and hopelessness. You can’t see any brightness in the future and you’re mind starts to ruminate on things. The onset of depression normally but not in all cases means that something in your life isn’t right and you need to change it.

I believe that depression can be prevented by how you live your life and how you manage your thoughts. However, if you ever do feel depressed then I believe using the core principles below will help to break free of it.

The mind Your mind is an amazing thing; it is also your biggest critic. I want you to think of your mind as split into two with one part thinking in an adult, logical way and the other a monkey that tries to trick you and is prone to acting out emotions. Attempting to use the adult part as much as possible will hopefully give you more balance in life. There are some ways to manage your mind when it starts to get too busy:

• Live in the now – try to focus on specifically what you are doing, don’t think about the past or the future just what is happening now • Meditate – mediation helps to calm the mind, there is lots of information on the subject, you need to read up on it • The monkey – we all have an inner voice that can at times be critical, it is very sly and very difficult to tell when it’s influencing you. The critic in you will always be present, challenging your decisions, understand this and use the adult you to counter it • The ego – we all have an ego that that determines our sense of importance and our self esteem. Be aware when your ego is shaping your mind’s decisions, attempt to reduce egotistical behaviour

Self Discipline Motivation is enough to get you to start something but it will never sustain it. Motivation is an emotional response and emotions are too dynamic to maintain momentum. This is where commitment and discipline come in. These are logical, non emotional decisions where you choose an action or set of actions.

Having self discipline is a core principal, the more of it you have the more you will achieve and the happier you will be ultimately.

Self sufficiency/Independence As a man you need to be self sufficient and independent. You need to be able to:

• Feed yourself • Clothe yourself • Put a roof over your head • Have money saved • Manage your emotions • Bounce back from obstacles in life • Be prepared to challenge yourself • Learn from your failures • Keep calm in difficult situations • Love yourself

This is critical, ensure that you achieve independence. You need social interactions in your life, this is one of your core needs but never depend on anyone for anything.

YOU!

And then there is you, the rational, logical, calm person who ultimately makes the best decisions in life. Try to allow this part of you to be utilised as much as possible in life. All of the above points are designed to help you in life, they don’t cater for every eventuality and you will learn your own life lessons, perhaps you can teach me these lessons.

I hope that as you grow and learn and live that life treats you as well as can be expected. I hope that you develop the awareness to deal with life’s issues or that you develop the tools to handle what life throws your way.

Develop your own unique identity, cherish it, stretch it, and allow it to grow. Question things, construct reasoning in your head. Absorb wise words from wise people but don’t assume that just because someone is older, stronger, richer, more charismatic or famous that they know better.

I’m your father and I want what’s best for you but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to be right all of the time – nearly all of the time yes but not 100% of the time. If my logic doesn’t fit with yours then that’s ok, it’s fine to have differences of opinion but I do see myself as a fairly balanced individual with a reasonable understanding of life, use me as an additional brain to tap into, ask my opinions, ask for guidance if required, that’s what I’m here for.

Forgive me for the failings I have shown, forgive me for any time I have ever hurt your feelings, forgive me for the times I was inconsiderate and forgive me for moaning at you but also fundamentally understand that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time and ultimately I want what’s best for you.

One thing I never, ever want you to forget is that I love you and no matter how many times I moan at you, no matter what my own thoughts are about what you are doing or how you are living your life I will always, always while I draw breath be here for you. And when I no longer draw breath you’ll have the memory of me to help guide you.

Dad x

CORE PRINCIPLES

EXERCISE MEDITATE REDUCE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS LIVE IN THE NOW READ LEARN & GROW BE INDEPENDANT CULTIVATE DEEP MALE RELATIONSHIPS BE FINANCIALLY SECURE TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS BE CREATIVE BUILD SELF CONFIDENCE