The last few days have been very eye opening, I'm not even sure why the last few days have seemingly been some of the most retrospective in my entire life.

I'm currently 21 years old and studying computer science at university, while working at a software startup part-time. I like where I go to school, but I could never see myself living here after graduation, I'd really like to be in a position both financially and just life wise to live in other cities outside of the U.S. for me most notably Berlin and Osaka, and some of the larger U.S. cities such as San Francisco and New York.

I have plenty of friends who seem to always be in a relationship, I haven't been in a relationship since my senior year of high school, and honestly I'm glad it's been that way. When I see my friends deal with the time they put into these relationships and the amazing opportunities they turn down to curate "love" for their significant other, to me these actions are preposterous.

To a certain extent I feel that I'm not very approachable and due to the fact that I have a seriously receding hairline (which I DO NOT care about) don't come across the radar of most of the generally shallow girls my age at university. I used to hate this, but I've come to a certain peace with the issue, peace with the idea that no one else should be able to define how I live or enjoy my life, and especially have any influence on my perception of my value.

The notion of relationships scare me because I fear I will become complacent and just "do what everyone said would be right". In a certain light having a son would be amazing, but I also know the real risks to getting married. I fear that I'll somehow be ok with limiting myself, not doing things just because I decided I really liked some girl. I feel like my idea of life is very different from many people my age, I should be more focused on school, and I want to graduate with some kind of degree, but I feel like my dream of living in different cities around the world and achieving the highest levels of skill as a software developer can only be obtained in a limited window of time.

I'm not usually one to fear time, but I feel like spending time on women is a waste, it's odd to me that something so fundamentally human could feel so fake and facilitated. I fear that even if I do achieve my goals, I'll find myself regretting that I never really had any deep connections with other people, outside of a few close friends, which I still really like.

I want to rid myself of this fear, but I can't dismiss a fear of limiting my life for someone else's.