Fatherless Homes Suck: Perspectives from a Daughter Raised by a Single Mom

PrettyDarkHairedWoma · 2020-04-17T03:17:25+00:00

Divorce, one of the most common reasons for this, just sucks for kids. No one wants to talk about it, because it makes them feel bad about their own divorce, whether it was warranted (which seems to be rare) or not.

My parents split when I was 10. My mom took me and my dad took my brother. Not only that, they later fought over who got my brother and who had to take me. My brother and I only see each other at Christmas, because we just didn't grow up together. We have no real attachment. I haven't spoken to my mother in over five years. My dad and I are good, if I ignore the fact that he essentially left to raise my four step-siblings, which I usually can. No matter what anyone tells themselves, the consequences are far reaching.

PrettyDarkHairedWoma · 2020-04-17T12:18:52+00:00

A strong male figure is neccessary, completely agree. Doesn't have to be the Dad though. One of my besties married a man who beat her. Eventually she fought back, the both ended up in cells and social services got involved. The childs' father simply refused to attend supervised visits. Walked out on his daughter age three in the park and never looked back.

This friends' Father was an RSM in the British Army. Retired now like. A truly masculine man and a natural leader. He has stepped in to the Dad role. This girl has a fatherless home. But she is doing great, thanks to Grandad. And her supermum obvs x

Edit, I feel my friend has the issues she does cos she wants a man like her Dad, but doesnt feel safe anymore. And she missed out on him growing up as he was in northern ireland fighting

5tofab · 2020-04-18T10:40:28+00:00

I think ppl focus too much on single parents esp blaming women for the actions of men (abandoning families etc) and not enough on why many men in the generation are not a strong father figure (focusing on men bc we are talking about masculine role models). My father was not a strong man, while he and my mom are married for 30 years, my mom did majority at first then to all the financial leg work in the relationship. My mom came from super poor family while my dads was well off with both parents in high professions. My mom also did all the caregiving to us kids AND My dad as he can barely take-care of himself (stereotypically kid-dad regularly seen on media that I hate). Is my dad mentally delayed or have any mental issues preventing him from stepping up? No! He graduated high-school unlike my mom and could’ve finished college if he wanted to. He doesn’t do his father roles because to be honest he doesn’t want to and my mom has to pick up the slack. He wasn’t the only one I saw do it, lots of my community marriages stayed together bc of religion and societal reason DESPITE men not upholding their masculine roles.

I know many divorce couples who keep in contact and support one another. Yes abusive mothers exist just as abusive fathers do. Court initially give custody to women because we are deemed and usually are the primary caregivers of the kids while men are deemed as the primary financial giver. Having a father in the home does not mean you will get a good masculine figure. I would’ve much liked it if my parents divorced and mother remarried OR just had my uncles as masculine role models.

TLDR: Parent married 30 years, father is a mess. I believe single motherhood is just part of the wider problem of men not stepping up for their family&getting away from their responsibilities socially and governmentally.

i_cri_evry_tim · 2020-04-17T13:43:33+00:00

I don't think most women who are raising kids alone intentionally set out to be single moms! Looking at the single moms I know, they all started out in committed relationships. In some cases they were abandoned by their partners; in other cases the relationship deteriorated to the point where neither partner wanted to stay.

I'm sure there are some isolated cases of women planning to become single moms but I think those cases are few and far between. I didn't watch this whole video but I disagree with the premise that women are generally making a "choice" to be single.

PrettyDarkHairedWoma · 2020-04-18T22:00:04+00:00

I was married as a minor to a man in the later half of his twenties. He was controlling and abusive. No well adjusted man raised in the USA marries a teenager with good intentions. My mother had previously attempted to marry me off in a green card marriage (for money) the year before to a middle eastern stranger so this person seemed on the surface to be a safer option than being subjected to more of her insanity and attempts at human trafficking. He was however an absolutely terror to be married to and it messed me up. Both of my children are from that marriage, the first was conceived when I was 17. I was able to get a path to safely get away from him when I was 21. I had the photo evidence and witnesses to bury him in court and bar him from ever seeing his children. Knowing that, he gave me total custody without a fight in exchange for biweekly visitation. I agreed because he had never laid a hand on the children (they were seen as extensions of himself and so he would never hurt them like he hurt me, whom he saw as property beneath him). I believed that even if their father was not a good man, it was their right to know him and make their own judgments as long as it was safe. They have a realistic perception of him and a decent relationship with him but growing up with a very young single mother was very hard for them. Probably would have been worse though if they had to keep witnessing the violence when they were old enough to remember it. We split when the kids were so young they don't ever remember us being together.

Now that the kids are teenagers, my ex is actually pretty open and honest with them about why we are divorced. He tells them that I was an excellent wife and he was an absolutely terrible husband who left me with no choice but to leave. He tells our daughter to not ever tolerate dating a man who treats her poorly and has told her to look for men with different traits than he has. He also told them it was a horrible mistake for him to marry a teenager and he has never done something like that since. And he tells them that they are lucky to have such a competent, loving and devoted mother. So, the kids both take the stance that based on the facts they were given that it was best for everyone involved for us to get divorced but they are glad that I was mature enough to not prevent them from knowing him despite how awful things were between he and I...like I wouldn't go alone to drop the children off for visitation for like the first five years.

We have been split up for eleven years now. He got sober and did some self exploration to work on some of his narcissism. We are able to co-parent relatively well all things considered and the children are turning out to be pretty awesome people.

In an ideal world, I would have married a loving, supportive, good husband when I was youthful and beautiful and raised children in a two parent household. It broke my heart to have to be a divorced single mother because I never wanted that for my life or my children. But the odds of a girl coming from a home life like mine ending up in a healthy relationship on the first try without therapy are basically non-existent.

Fortunately, I found an amazing man when I was 28 and we are happily married. He is a good step dad and a wonderful husband. Sometimes I feel deeply sad because I know that if I had been married to a man like him the first time, my family would have never been broken like this. But, I am grateful to have been given the chance to have something more whole and loving and normal even if it is not the ideal.

PrettyDarkHairedWoma · 2020-04-17T14:15:17+00:00

This was a really good discussion. Many red pills. Many good advices. (Even though I think many of them are known in this sub.)

SeriousAngle9 · 2020-04-17T20:03:20+00:00

That's only true if the father isn't abusive. Some single moms left their husbands because they were abusive.

_reluctant_redditor_ · 2020-04-17T18:45:14+00:00

Whoa this video is almost three hours long! But the topic is definitely interesting :) would someone mind summarizing the high points? I plan to watch later when I get a chance

lord-cat · 2020-04-21T08:39:03+00:00

today we are living in the world where it’s actually hard to find ppl who grow up with both biological parents from baby to adult

ASTRA-LUX · 2020-04-17T03:42:22+00:00

Family courts are biased against men. There is no real justice and children suffer the most.

elsugga · 2023-03-02T22:31:50+00:00

I was raised by a single mother and I am a POC. It really really does suck. Single mothers don’t any time to spend with their kids, they are constantly angry and nagging, the kids are miserable and abandoned

Ornery-Juice-6365 · 2023-03-15T23:55:05+00:00

I could definitely use some advice here people. There's a really sweet girl here in town that i just met. WE instantly had one of those long, deep staring into each other's eyes, followed by huge smiling interactions. It felt like an emotional connection rather than a sexual one, which I really liked. Ok,...so here we are, liking each other, and our individual insecurities are making even basic communication extremely tough. She was raised in a fatherless environment with an alcoholic mom who went through relationships like water. I'm simply trying to understand what might be happening to take care of myself. Not to criticize or change her.

Title	Fatherless Homes Suck: Perspectives from a Daughter Raised by a Single Mom
Author	PrettyDarkHairedWoma
Upvotes	55
Comments	40
Date	April 16, 2020 11:01 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/g2puhm/fatherless_homes_suck_perspectives_from_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/fatherless-homes-suck-perspectives-from-a-daughter.653920 https://theredarchive.com/post/653920