Husband works 7 days a week 365 days a year and I’m struggling

itainteasybeinreasy · 2020-05-08T18:32:01+00:00

you've snapped at a few people in the comments. I'm not gonna shame you for it cos i just snapped at someone the other day when i was feeling very touchy. so i know how it is. Plus i learned a HUGE lesson from it.

Never... go into a discussion when you're feeling EMOTIONAL, EVEN IF YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT.

that's the thing. When we feel that our anger is righteous, then we think "fuck it if i come off angry, i'm right to be". You might actually have a point, BUT IT DOESN'T WORK, it's not effective.

here's the thing, you are clearly currently very emotional about this and so any discussion you get into with your husband will happen with an accusatory tone. An attacking tone. A hostile tone. Even if you don't think you have that tone, because people can feel it coming from you even when you try to hide it. it's pretty hard to hide it frankly.

now you're probably wondering why it matters if you come off angry. well here's why.

You don't live in your husbands head. You have no idea what his reason is for what he does. I mean you probably have run your hamster into the ground about 50 different reasons about why he's doing it to disrespect you but frankly you don't actually know his reasoning.

so the only way you're going to make any headway is to first let these emotions die down, or else any conversation you have with him about this is gonna make him defensive and he's either gonna get angry too and not like you, OR he's gonna just ignore you/whatever you tell him to do. you need to go in there with more of "curious" tone if you will. like "hmmh, i wonder why he's doing this". he needs to feel that he's not being judged, that he can answer truthfully without getting his head bitten off.

I'll conclude it like this. If you come at him like "BE HOME MORE!!! REEEE", then he won't want to. He'll just be thinking why would i wanna be home more with an annoying bitch. However, If you come at him like "please be home more, i really miss you cos i love you" bla bla bla and basically use that female superpower to be all sweet and persuasive, fuck it, maybe even grab him and kiss him. all of that.... that's persuasive.

make. him. want. to. be. home. more.

and if you're gut reaction to reading that is "well he should want to be home more anyway cos i'm his wife and i'm pregnant reeeee!!". well then yeah i'm not surprised he doesn't want to be home more.

and yes, i'm not telling you what feels good, what he "should" be doing etc. etc. I'm telling you what's actually likely to work.

kensababa · 2020-05-08T15:12:31+00:00

This is not healthy for HIM. Maybe try discussing the issue of him working so much from the perspective of you don't want him to suffer and you'd hate to see his health decline because he works so much. If there are things he wishes he had time to do, hobbies and such, bring those up. It's okay that you're wanting his attention too, but maybe he thinks that's the only reason you want him to not work so much.

He does sound like a workaholic and may need professional help if he doesn't accept that kind of reasoning from you.

itainteasybeinreasy · 2020-05-08T15:42:48+00:00

My husband is kind of a workaholic too, so I feel your pain!

We've always had a schedule in place to stop work from taking over everything. Sunday is family day, no matter what. No work. Every weekend meal is family time. So is weekday breakfast. We have lots of traditions around those times, and around holidays and birthdays.

There are of course other times we spend together. But I found that setting those particular times aside made all the difference in the world in terms of my outlook. We started with Sunday and built up from there.

It also helped when the kids got older. My husband was not super helpful when our first kid was a baby. He didn't know what to do and I swear, somehow seeing how busy I was made him feel like he should be busy too...by working...

Once they were weaned, I started leaving the kids with him for little chunks of time. A few hours here or there so I could take a walk, get a cup of coffee somewhere, whatever. That also made him bond with them and made him feel involved. It made all the difference in the world.

I know this is getting long but I just want to say one more thing. Dont be too hard on him. Ask for family time / help with the baby / etc but dont criticize him for working too hard in general -- it'll just hurt him.

NeitherPainter · 2020-05-08T19:36:20+00:00

It sounds like you're needing to find new ways to practice self care as a new mom. Yes, your husband is working an excessive amount IMO, but that's not the real problem here. If it wasn't that, you might find something else to be upset about. I think you could ask for an hour a day to do online yoga, zoom with your mom, or go for a walk, and I bet if you were direct and respectful, without including accusations, he would gladly find time to take his baby for an hour. "Could you watch the baby from 5-6pm tonight so I can..." OR if you really want some alone time with your husband, say, "I miss you." Bring him coffee or lunch and chat for a few minutes.

But I would really focus more on your routines with baby and how to squeeze in time for yourself too! Single moms do it, military wives do it, and you can do it too. This is a challenge as a first-time mom, and newborns can be exhausting, but this is a matter of figuring out what works for you and your baby. This is your responsibility, no one else can do it for you, and your husband is not to blame.

Some ideas that come to mind...watch a show or movie you love while she naps or breastfeeds. Your babe is small enough that you can still watch entirely inappropriate content with them, take advantage of it for an hour a day. Use a baby wrap to wear the babe while you do chores, get baby in a good routine with naps so you have more time to yourself to take a long bath, get your baby comfortable with sitting in a bouncer or laying on the floor for 20 or 30 minutes while you journal, draw, read. Babies this small should be content for that amount of time to stare out the window or look at a mobile. Go for walks with the stroller. Check out local parks you've been wanting to see, plant some seeds, window-shop online, whatever. And most importantly, don't forget to enjoy your time cuddling and rocking your baby, soon they'll be crawling all over the place and you'll miss the cuddles.

Also, make sure you're getting enough calories, especially protein. You may be overtired and your body has been through a lot and needs to repair and rebuild.

Anyway, the point is, you have to accept your responsibility now. I recommend focusing on gratitude and how lucky you are that you have a husband that provides, you get to stay home and your only job is to take care of house and 1 baby, AND your family is healthy. Good luck!

Islehaven · 2020-05-09T16:00:00+00:00

You have a problem (you’re overwhelmed with childcare) and a proposed solution (your husband takes a break from work). You've proposed your solution, but your husband believes he needs to keep working and doesn’t welcome your solution.

I don't know if this would help either, but have you tried engaging your husband with your problem? Perhaps something like, “There's something I’d like to get your advice about”, and if he says “yes?”, say “I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by the amount of childcare I have to do in the current situation, and I'm not sure what I can do about that.”

And maybe his response wouldn’t actually be terribly useful to you (I suppose he might say “Well just put your head down and soldier on!” or “I don’t want to hear about your problems when I have to work so hard!” or something), but at least you'd be making him aware that there's an issue and giving him an opportunity to engage his problem solving talent, even if he doesn't take you up on it.

Or, maybe, are there are other places that you could seek advice on what to do when you're overwhelmed with childcare?

Somewhat separately, and I could be wrong (please forgive me if I am), it kind of sounds like that you might be pressuring your husband into making commitments ("I'll take Friday off") which he doesn't actually believe in? Of course, he shouldn't be making a commitment and then later break it by claiming he never made the commitment, but also (if you might be doing so) you shouldn't be getting him to say things that he doesn't actually mean as a way of nudging him into doing what you think he ought to be doing. (Again, my apologies if that's not what's actually happening!)

itainteasybeinreasy · 2020-05-08T15:33:29+00:00

Is this new behavior or did you marry and have a baby with a man who always worked this much? Did he say he'd change when the baby came? Has he taken time off in the past? In general and at your request?

teaandtalk · 2020-05-08T22:00:07+00:00

Sounds like you need to hire a nanny, even for one afternoon a week. And bring your baby into the bathroom with you in a moses basket or bouncer.

You can't control a man, and probably his passion for work is something that drew you to him in the first place. So it's not something you can overall change.

However, I can also understand how upsetting it would be when he said he would do something and then forgot. Ensure that you focus on your disappointment/sadness/missing him emotions, rather than making it about him/his work/how he forgot.

I hope that all makes sense to you. It sounds like a really difficult situation!

2020-05-09T20:35:28+00:00

I’m going to remind you of something that all new mothers need to remember sometimes.

The baby will be perfectly safe placed down on a blanket on the floor in a safe room whilst you step into another room or into the garden for a few minutes to centre yourself.

We have all had to do it. We have all felt like a kettle just about to boil when the baby has been teething, or colicky, or whatever (honestly, they go through developmental stages where they JUST CRY ALL DAY and this is in fact normal but it will shred any mother’s nerves), and what we needed was to put the baby down somewhere safe and step away for a few minutes.

The baby will come to no harm. It does not make you a bad mom. It is an essential survival tool in the new Mom kit. Knowing when you are coming to your boiling point, and knowing to turn the heat off then, is super important.

You are doing fine. I promise. You are fine. Motherhood is not like the blogs, or Facebook, or those damned books make it out to be. Those people are presenting edited highlights of motherhood. Motherhood is hard work. It’s okay to take a five minute mental health break when you need one, okay?

Hammocknapping · 2020-05-08T15:31:27+00:00

Did you know his work habits when you got married? How about when you decided to get pregnant?

Honestly, I really feel for your husband in this situation. Unless you’re also an attorney, you may not fully understand the pressure that your husband is under to create billable hours in order to stay on track for making partner.

Your husband likely feels an increased pressure to provide now that you have a baby, you’re no longer working and you’ve made it clear you want a large family. He may feel like the only way he can help and feel secure is to work as much as possible.

If there is a downturn in the economy and a mass layoff of attorneys, he may be trying to position himself as an essential employee to avoid layoff. If he can establish that he’s a dedicated workhorse, then he may be able to avoid being let go if there is a round of layoff.

If I were you, I would do my best to get through this phase of life and give your husband the benefit of the doubt.

cerealnoods · 2020-05-09T15:18:43+00:00

Bitch.

Title	Husband works 7 days a week 365 days a year and I’m struggling
Author	itainteasybeinreasy
Upvotes	10
Comments	29
Date	May 8, 2020 3:06 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/gfuu6u/husband_works_7_days_a_week_365_days_a_year_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/husband-works-7-days-a-week-365-days-a-year-and-im.661290 https://theredarchive.com/post/661290

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