Do you want to get married? If the answer is no, feel free to stop here. I am not here to convince you or any man to get married. The men that do not want to get married make some valid points on why marriage is not right for them and other men. Marriage as it stands today has major problems, including but not limited to No Fault divorce (making divorce possible for the most frivolous reasons), alimony laws, family court biases. Making matters worse, much of the current pool of women have bad character traits and qualities that do not make them marriage material (high partner counts, abrasive attitudes, rejecting feminine traits and demeanor). The combination of these factors makes marriage with the average woman less desirable for the average man. Therefore, it would be unwise and negligent of me to tell men that they should simply get married, not without at least making sure they are well aware of all considerations.

This is for men who in spite of all the information that presented to why they should not get married still have that lingering desire to find a good woman to marry and have a family with her. Whether or not you get married is a question you need to determine personally. Before anything else, you must figure out the feasibility of that prospect. I provide no promises of success for what I have to say next, as I am not selling any sort of guide or plan of action can be guaranteed to work. For many men, marriage just might not be in the cards for them based on current conditions, so it would be wrong of me to even tell men that they must get married. What I have is simply advice for what you should do before you consider marriage with a particular woman or any woman.

Should I get married

Before you ever think about asking the question, “Will you marry me,” you must first ask yourself “should I marry her?” The second question is one that should not be taken lightly and should be proceeded by a thorough investigation on the woman in question as well as a full understanding of why you want to be married. It goes without question that any man who does not want to be married should not, but also no man should get married if there is any major doubts or hesitation in his mind. No man should come to the decision about him getting married is something he is merely partial towards or simply okay with the idea. As previously mentioned, marriage comes with huge risks with the current laws and culture, so it has to be something he is absolutely certain that he wants. On to the topic of the other half of the equation, any man who is looking to get married must make sure that the woman he intends on marrying is one who is marriage material. A woman of genuine quality should have the following traits:

-Similar religious outlook

I would argue further that being religious should be a requirement for any man to get married in the first place, as I am hard pressed to see how a man could be conceptualize marriage as a good path for him if the only thing he is relying on to keep him married to a woman is a contract that the state has no issue with voiding upon the moment the woman decides she just does not feel like staying married. On the topic of a similar religious outlook, I use those words deliberately because I am not just referring to sharing the same religion, but rather that she is someone who has the same convictions and understanding of what being of a specific faith means. For Christians, any true believer should follow what 2 Corinthians 6:14 states:

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

I can only speak to a Christian aspect of this, but I would guess that this idea would apply to other religions as well. Also, it is not enough to simply go along with whatever your religion teaches, but also to understand why. Someone who does not understand why he or she is adhering to their religion is someone who is vulnerable to lose faith. And as I mentioned previously, if the only thing keeping you married to a woman is the agreement on paper in the state’s eyes, all you have is a very fragile promise.

-Low sexual partner count

I would argue further that the number should be 0, but for some men a low number is sufficient. I do understand that it is highly improbable for many men to find a virgin to marry (an actual virgin not a “technical” virgin), so I refer to my previous point that marriage might not happen for you. A woman with many sexual partners has many traits that show that she is not marriage material, such as poor impulse control, lack of patience, lack of long term thinking, never being able to be satisfied with what she has, and no desire to give her best to her husband.

-Ability and willingness to cook

She does not need to be a master chef, but she should be competent at making well balanced and healthy meals from base ingredients. For examples, she should be able to do things like cut vegetables and meat, saute ingredients in a pan, put ingredients together in a pan and bake them, cook meat until it is at a safe temperature, boil ingredients such as noodles, potatoes, rice, vegetables for a soup, and use a proper amount of seasoning in recipes. By base ingredients, I don’t mean that things like pasta needs to be homemade every time or that ingredients like tomatoes cannot come from a can, but she should be able to do more than just open a can of soup and heat it or put a store bought frozen casserole in the oven (that does not count as cooking in my book). The willingness is another important factor, as it demonstrates a willingness to put forth effort and time. If one is willing, the capabilities of cooking will become greater even if the effort is expended. Cooking has become more accessible than ever before, as there are loads of recipes and videos online that show how to prepare recipes of many different varieties, so there is no excuse of that information not being available. As my Dad has said many times, “If you can read, you can cook. And some people can’t read but they still know how to cook, so you have no excuse.” I fully agree.

-Ability and willingness to budget

If you have the ability to do basic math, you have the ability to create a budget. So it is not about the ability to write out the budget that I am referring to, but the ability to stick to a budget after having it defined. Being able to do this demonstrates numerous traits, including but not limited to: impulse control, long term thinking, the ability to keep promises, and a real understanding of costs. The last point is something I think is especially important with a budget, since a woman who does not understand why certain purchases are not reasonable (e.g. buying a brand new car when a used one will be far better value for the utility a car provides) will be a detriment to any household. Personal finance discussions should not be you having to explain that something like taking an international vacation twice every year is not affordable, but rather whether or not spending is on track with the budget. If she can understand and practice the principles of having a budget, it will help to prevent issues such as debt and frivolous spending, but instead she can be an asset to a household.

-Healthy eating and exercise habits

As far as eating goes, this complements the ability to cook, since being able to cook for yourself makes it far easier to eat healthy, since eating store bought frozen food and eating out too much most often means an unhealthy diet. This also speaks to the choices of food she eats, because being able to cook does not guarantee that the food being made is going to be healthy. Not only that, but there are many healthy food choices that require very little preparation, as many fruits and vegetables can be eaten with minimal prep work. The other half of the equation is exercise, which means she should have some type of activity that keeps her physically fit. Even going on walks can fit this requirement, assuming her diet is also healthy. The real test to whether or not she actually practices these habits are her weight and appearance. She should be at a healthy weight level, and even if someone claims that BMI is an imperfect measure, it is a good start. If her BMI is too high, there is very little doubt that she is unhealthy.

-Feminine demeanor and disposition – A woman who is marriage material should have a healthy level of femininity and embrace that part of her. (1) It is not that all parts of femininity are good, but rather that she understands that she accept that she as a woman is a complement to the masculine male, not someone that tries to become just like a man only to become at best a defective version of such. The type of woman who takes active measures to avoid femininity because of The PatriarchyTM is simply not a pleasant woman to be around. Along with that, she is far more likely to avoid skills like cooking under the premise that it is oppressive and see the pursuit of a high flying career as something to prioritize over all other things. A woman who sees her career as her top priority over even family fundamentally shows she does not understand men nor care to understand them. If a woman wants to prioritize her career, fine, but she should not expect marriage in her future. So many women see careers as a means to fulfill themselves, when the primary purpose is the provision of finances. A woman does not make herself more suitable for marriage because of a career, and often in pursuit of her career makes herself less suitable. (2)

-Family relationships (especially with her father)

Her family and her relationships with them will be a strong indicator of what you should expect in a marriage, as the family provides a model for the younger generations relationships. Meeting not only her immediate family but also her extended family provides a wealth of information, including how well family members treat one another, how well they respect one another, how well they support one another, how well they hold each other accountable if someone is at fault. When looking specifically how this will apply to marriage, you can observe how well the men are treated in the family, especially husbands. If husbands are treated poorly, that should be warning to you since it shows that such treatment is tolerated the family as a whole or possibly even accepted. This includes a lack of husbands, whether by out of wedlock children or divorces. If there are any major red flags in this regard, you will need outstanding evidence that your prospective wife is opposed to any attitudes or actions that hold men in contempt or indicate disrespect towards men.

The most important relationships you must observe are those with her parents, especially when it comes to her father. How is the relationship between her mother and father? How is her relationship with her father? Are these relationships demonstrating of respect and love? You need to know for sure that the answers of these questions strongly indicate a proper model for a marriage, as it is a window for how your marriage would turn out. If her mother does not respect and love her father, if she does not respect and love her father, it should not surprise you when you find yourself in the same situation where you are either in a loveless marriage or end up in financial ruin and a loss of access to your children because she learned through observation that she does not place importance on being loving and respectful towards her husband.

-Share values

This is similar to the first point about the same religious outlook, but it also applies to other areas such as politics, work ethic, personal responsibility, family. In essence, this encompasses all categories that have some basis in philosophical perspectives. For most of these categories you should make sure that your values are very much aligned, since if you do not have the same foundational outlooks it will be much more difficult to ever come to any agreements, assuming that it would even be possible to find agreement with dissonant outlooks. For example, you are going to have to agree that you even want to have children before can even discuss how many you want to have, and you are going to need to agree on how you will parent before you can figure out the best way to discipline your children. While it is ideal to have similar political outlooks, at the very least she should not be having any politics that is contrary to what your politics are, such as her simply not following politics all that much. This does not mean that you remain content with her being a low information voter, because that in itself can also be dangerous. She needs to know that the way she votes can affect you and your family, so you best determine that she will not be voting adversely to your interests. When looking at any particular value you have, always ask yourself if her values are ones that complement yours or ones that are adverse to yours, and in the event of any adverse one ask whether or not that will be detrimental to a marriage lasting.

This list is by no means comprehensive or complete, but they are things that I think are important to look for in a woman who is a prospective wife. I do think that all these traits are essential, which is why I implore other men to make sure that they consider all these factors and others when vetting a woman for marriage. At the very least, you should do as much consideration as I did creating this list and details when determining whether you should get married, whether it be as a future goal or to a specific woman. The phrase “follow your heart” is poor advice to any man, as it is just another way to say “follow your feelings.” Following your feelings without further thought is asking for disaster. Instead, you need to be certain that you have thought through all considerations. I do not make guarantees that this list will mean success at getting and staying married, so do not take this as an endorsement for you personally being able to get married. If you read this list and see at least one aspect of it that makes you think that there is no way you can find a woman that will be able to have all of these traits, then you have your answer whether or not you should even be getting married.

One thing I must emphasize again is that I cannot guarantee success in being able to find a marriageable woman. Be ready for the very likely possibility that you will not be able to get married, even if you greatly desire to have a wife and children. You do not have the support of society as a whole if you get married to the wrong woman, so if it means that you have no choice but to avoid marriage, you are better off doing so. The path to being successfully married is a rough road that has not been properly maintained and continues to be ignored even by those who claim to champion marriage. While I have traditional and conservative views, I do not align with many of those who are TradCons, since they are like generals using outdated playbooks telling their soldiers to enact a battle plan that will not only get them killed, but will result in no strategic benefit with their deaths. Even when soldiers on the battlefield are telling the generals that their battle plans are ineffective since they based on obsolete strategies and that they are seeing their fellow soldiers get slaughter for nothing, they only get told that they need to “soldier up” and charge into battle because they insist that the battle will be won if you just follow their poorly conceived orders.

Marriage is something you need to see as a one way ticket, since there is no going back from getting married to the wrong woman. By necessity you need to be all in on this idea if you are going to do it at all, and any hesitation should be an indicator that you should not get married. I am not interested in getting a greater quantity of marriages, but rather the greatest possible percentage of successful marriages. Not just ones that do not end up with divorce, but ones where husbands are treated with respect and love. If to get the percentage to 100 percent means that a lot less marriages happen, then so be it. I cannot support telling men that they need to get married no matter what, as it would be immoral of me to think that just because I was able to succeed in getting married that I should tell others to blindly follow in my same path. You cannot afford to get it wrong, so if it means that you never get married as a result, I accept that outcome.

  1. I am not talking about tomboys specifically, though it may or may not include them here. A tomboy can still have femininity (as contradictory as that sounds), so being a tomboy itself is not a complete disqualifier.

  2. By career, I mean more than just a job. A woman having a job in itself is not a bad thing, but it can easily be a problem if she sees that as her top priority in life. That is where I would apply the term “career” instead of just a job.

  3. For those of you who are also Christian, here are some more Bible verses that will serve as examples that counter any assertions that you are somehow failing to uphold Christian values if you do not get married:

-Matthew 19:10-12

He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”

(While this is referring to husbands issuing bills of divorce to their wives, Jesus still shows agreement that no marriage is better than a marriage that is doomed to fail).

-Proverbs 21:19

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

-Proverbs 25:24

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

-1 Corinthians 7:6-9:

Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

(Paul speaks much about whether or not marriage should occur in this part, recognizing that some may be better off married than "burn with passion" and have sex outside of marriage. But he also states that marriage is not a requirement to be doing God's will, which is the point I am looking at specifically.)