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Mean_Green_Kween
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 171 points172 points173 points 6 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
Personal boundaries, a strong connection to your friends and family, and a strong sense of self esteem are abuser-repellent.
I’ve just been thinking about this lately.
Because they prey on people with low self esteem who tend to have weak boundaries and always give them the benefit of the doubt.
When you don’t have strong boundaries, part of their work is already done for them. They don’t have to slowly “boil the frog” - you already have a weak sense of self and will be seeking their approval.
They will have easy leverage on you from the get go. And they know you’ll self sabotage and disrespect yourself to please them.
If you don’t have a strong connection to friends or family this practically seals the deal. It takes little work for them to isolate you and have full control over you.
As someone who’s posted about their self esteem and mental health issues on reddit- I get people DMing me basically trying to groom me.
I can tell when it’s a normal person vs a groomer. It’s fucking gross.
Just be careful out there 💕💕💕
[+][deleted] 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 33 points34 points35 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I honestly don’t know the answer. I’ve had to cut myself off from one side of my family because they were toxic, but not everyone has that privilege.
My guess would be try to find a good support system of friends, and a good therapist too.
Making friends is hard, but completely worth it. I know it’s hard to get past the aquaintance stage, but you can start talking about your hobbies or asking about theirs and then building off of that.
You also have to vet (sus out) friends as well to make sure they’re loyal and just nice in general. But the more you interact with people, the easier it gets to read them and feel their energy.
I’d focus on getting closer to your acquaintances- ask them what they enjoy doing, ask about current news events or maybe politics if you’re into that. Just find something interesting that you both like and then it will just flow a lot easier.
Half the battle is actually just liking talking to them. And also don’t worry too much about impressing them- the less you care the better. It’s actually so much easier to talk to people when you’re not worrying about what they think.
It’s hard to internalise that, but i just kind of let go of caring about pissing people off. I was like “what’s the worst that can happen?” And thought about it and then decided I have to be okay with that. Idk it’s weird. Might not work for everyone.
[–]espelhosdaguaFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I have very little contact with family too, and I live in another country, been alone most of the time except when I find good friends on the way. What has worked for me is reading a lot about knowing myself and healing my inner child. Also found out about codependency in this sub, which has matched a lot of traits that I've had. Basically, there is no right answer for each person, but it is within learning to know yourself the best way you see fit: therapy, spirituality, education, etc.
[–]s-x-x2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
what do people message you?
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
lots of shit. one of them was this 'non-binary' guy who was into high fashion. he said the communities i was in were toxic and that i was creative and could join him instead. it was condescending too and i just got bad vibes. he wrote like a whole essay.
there have been other people too.
[–]thgeyeFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
How can you tell if it’s a groomer? I get DMs sometimes too
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well here’s the red flags I picked up on:
It’s difficult to explain, but they know you’re emotionally vulnerable so they act like a concerned friend.
Complimenting you- especially if you have a post history about having low self esteem.
Asking personal information as well, or for your email or other accounts.
The non binary guy wrote like a whole essay. It was weird. It gave me weird vibes.
If they say FDS is toxic, that’s a major red flag. Bad people hate this sub. This sub is about empowering women.
Usually they’re men, and they’ll try to DM you weird things. Sometimes they’re “women” or actual women.
Bonus points if their account is only a few days old.
[–]BabaAuRhumOhlalaFDS Newbie35 points36 points37 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Something to look out for: abusers setting up “boundaries“ that clash or are intended to break yours. I was in that cycle until therapy.
The guy I was dating put up his boundary of not wanting to discuss problems in the relationship, or rather whenever I’d bring it up, he’d pull out his trap card of boundary and want to discuss it later. When I asked when, he would not know, and expected me to shower him with love. If I had too many problems piled up and explode, I’m an abuser. If I put up a boundary of not wanting to do anything until we discuss problems, he’d break up. If I had enough of his attitude and want to break up, I’m cruel. 😂
Now whenever I hear about boundaries, my immediate gut reaction is to guard myself for possible manipulation.
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 24 points25 points26 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
yeah that's the problem- abusers learn from therapy to become even more manipulative and harder to weed out. read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Barcroft it explains a lot about this + other abusive behaviours.
[–]99powerFDS Newbie30 points31 points32 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Truth. I don’t even discuss them. If you don’t stop whatever you’re doing after I show disgust, you’re in the dustbin.
[–]Kindly_StrainFDS Newbie23 points24 points25 points 6 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
What if you need boundaries with your parents???
[–]MyobPlisFDS Newbie29 points30 points31 points 6 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
I need answers to this. My parents are very pushy and always want to lecture me about how to live my life their way. I am 24 and they won't stop telling me how I am not doing enough in life despite gaining a master's degree and working a good job. It's never enough. I recently told them not to call me if they're calling with the intent to lecture. But they guilt me so much saying "do you not want to talk to your parents who sacrificed everything for you and worked their whole lives to feed you, get you to where you are now etc. Etc."
[–]aloof_oneFDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I suggest you check out www.baggagereclaim.co.uk - go to the blog page and the list of posts and you will find many posts about boundaries with lovers, family and friends. The author also has podcasts and books and is an FDS-approved site.
[–]LaPrimaVera13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
A few things that hopefully will help you, or someone else dealing with issues with boundaries.
Work on your self confidence it takes time but the more you have the more you are able to look out for yourself. Small things like forcing yourself to say 2/3 good things about yourself, or just reminding yourself that you are a valuable person every time you hear that voice pop into your head can incrementally improve your confidence. There are so many small ways you can do this, it doesn't even take that much of your time and will improve all areas of your life.
Figure out your morals Do you think it is wrong to lie? Is yelling always wrong or is it okay sometimes? How much do you value helping others and how much do you believe that people should be able to look after themselves? Are edgy jokes okay sometimes? Morals are COMPLETELY personal and your moral code will be different from your parents, your siblings and your friends. Take some time figure out what your morals are. Keep in mind that your morals are your own and should feel right to you, no one else.
List off your boundaries Of course you can't make a comprehensive list but even a few lines in the sand will help. Write them down, give yourself something as concrete as possible. You get to some very dark places one step at a time. So draw your lines and never ever move them. If you think you shouldn't have a key to your house make that a rule, if you think you shouldn't change majors for them don't. You can (and should) be able to do this with everyone in your life; family, friends, partners, coworkers. You should have lines you are not willing to cross with everyone.
Get used to saying no This can be hard, especially if you are used to saying yes to people but one good way to learn to is just to write down a script or a response, particularly if there is a situation you find yourself in often or something you fear. I seriously rehearsed "Mum I have other plans today and cannot spend time with you, if you want to plan something for another time I will let you know when I'm available". Have something ready to get yourself out of a situation you don't want to be in before your there and under pressure.
Be greatful to others but be responsible for yourself Take ownership of your own damn actions but don't be a bratt. You can still be greatful for things people have done for you without having to bend over backwards for them. No your parents helping you out doesn't mean you owe them, simply saying "I am greatful for the oppertunities you gave me as a child, but I am happy with where I am at this stage of my life/ I am not willing to do x for you" can be a powerful way to communicate that you do care but you are a grown ass woman and not someones pet.
[–]SearchLightsIncFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
/r/raisedbynarcissists - maybe worth you checking this out.
[–]Mercoledi42FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Maybe try r/raisedbynarcissist for some help with that.
[–]royalbk1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I think you should go to https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/ . And what you say to them is 'these are my boundaries', make it clear where your line in the sand is and if you see they don't WANT to understand (because non-abusive people do understand lines and will back up if you make it clear to them) you send them into time out for, say, two weeks (basically no contact where you literally block them on your phone). And if after that date they try to do the same thing, guess what, it's time out for two weeks again. Rinse and repeat.
This community will show you the light.
[–]subtlecuttlefishFDS Newbie25 points26 points27 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Boundaries are for everyone, including family members of they are not treating you with love, care and respect. Check out CaptainAwkward.com who specifically deals with lots of different social situations/boundary crossing behaviour and how to deal with them. She also gives scripts for setting boundaries which is very helpful when you're not used to enforcing boundaries. As with dating/relationships, we should strive for financial independence, focus on our careers and build emergency funds so that we don't have to financially depend on anyone (in this case family) if they do not respect our boundaries.
[–]WannabeNonDrinker4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thanks for that resource. Just read the first post and it’s both validating and hilarious!
[–]phulkari2784FDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Queens live exactly like this!
[–]Happy_face_callerFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Set and maintain
[–]vision_in_violet9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I've never had the experience of boundries, what is it like for people who experience it? I want to be able to understand other people's experiences better.
Is it something instinctual/automatic or emotional, or is it a conscious creation/implementation?
Do you think it's worthwhile for someone who has never had boundries to try and establish/create some?
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 14 points15 points16 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
its more conscious, but over time it becomes more automatic/intuitive the more you practice it. but it never really stops being a conscious choice.
its like not agreeing to last minute dates for example. even if you feel pressured or might want to, you make the decision to stay home and date on your own terms. even if you feel like a bitch, it's still better to have a backbone.
[–]vision_in_violet0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Why is it better? It seems like implementing boundries would be too emotionally painful to be beneficial to any involved party, I'm open to being wrong though
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[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 171 points172 points173 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (3 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 33 points34 points35 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]espelhosdaguaFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]s-x-x2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 10 points11 points12 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]thgeyeFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]BabaAuRhumOhlalaFDS Newbie35 points36 points37 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 24 points25 points26 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]99powerFDS Newbie30 points31 points32 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Kindly_StrainFDS Newbie23 points24 points25 points (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]MyobPlisFDS Newbie29 points30 points31 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]aloof_oneFDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]LaPrimaVera13 points14 points15 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]SearchLightsIncFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Mercoledi42FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]royalbk1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]subtlecuttlefishFDS Newbie25 points26 points27 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]WannabeNonDrinker4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]phulkari2784FDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Happy_face_callerFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]vision_in_violet9 points10 points11 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Mean_Green_KweenFDS Disciple[S] 14 points15 points16 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]vision_in_violet0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link