Obvious throwaway. My best friend showed me this community a while ago. After spending time on this subreddit i want to share my story and kindly ask for advice. Be honest and brutal as I am obviously in the wrong and I want to improve myself and make things right. Also sorry for my English, its not my first language.

I'm in university, 19 years of age, 170cm (5'7”), slim, fit and people would say i'm pretty. I am regional level swimmer in my country and want to go higher in the sport. I've had 2 sex partners which are my ex and current bf. I dated my ex in my first year of uni and met him through mutual friends. He is tall strong guy who was on the football team (soccer in US) in our university. He sometimes treated me bad but he said sorry and i still loved him. I left him after he was unfaithful the 3rd time in our relationship but i still loved him and slept with him a couple more times after that. He was my first and i felt conflicted about leaving him.

I finally got over him (So I thought) after meeting another guy who i met at the swimming centre. He was well muscled guy and confident. He asked me out to dinner and i said yes. After a few dates we had sex and it was good and we decided to be exclusve a month later. But i feel bad because the whole time i was thinking of my ex, even when kissing or sex with my current bf. I feel so bad about this I didn't tell him because i love my current bf and want to grow something special with him. After a while, I met ex bf at a social gathering. I tried to avoid talking to him but he persist, he told me he loved me and i told him to go away and I started crying. He still persist and said he just want to talk. He started touching me and i could not resist him. We later slept together in his place that night. The next day I felt disgust with myself and quickly left in the morning. I told current bf a few days later and he was disgusted and sad as expected. I told him i love him and wouldn't do it again. He cried a bit and left. I called and text i'm sorry he didnt reply. A week later, he came over to my campus flat and said he forgave me. I told him i love him and things seemed good for a while. But i find myself losing respect for him. He can be annoying and makes some mistakes.

Somethings about my current also annoy me. He's very musclular guy and we both swim together sometimes but he is 174cm (5'8) so he's not very tall which makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I also find myself questioning his leadership and decision even when the results of his decision is good. I cant see him the same way i once saw him. He also recently being distant towards me. We still text and see each other and profess our love for each other but he is very cold now and i can see it in his eyes. I want to love him be together forever with him but he doesn't open up to me anymore. I checked his phone and computer if hes being unfaithful but nothing there. He actually rejected some girl who were sending flirts to him. I don't think i deserve him. I still can't stop thinking of my ex and i want those thoughts to go away.

Anything i can do please? Thank you

TLDR- I was with my ex and left him for my current bf. I cheated on him with my ex. He later took me back after leaving but i cant respect him or his decisions anymore.