My boyfriend- give it some time or red flag?

Zegiknie · 2018-12-28T17:30:26+00:00

He drank too much, and stopped before it got out of hand. That's a good sign.

A lot of men drift a bit at that age. You're already with him and have been quite a while. You could leave and find another. Or you could have faith in him, build him up, and be the one who was there before he became successful.

Don't marry a man before he is mature and confident and (financially) responsible. When you commit fully, expect him to never change anymore. But do realise that growing up together can be worthwhile. And read the sidebar stuff and the recommended books!

For perspective: my man handles all the finances, makes 6 figures, works out daily, gave me 2 kids. In his twenties he has gotten so drunk he couldn't show up to work the next day and lost his job (a part time to make some extra cash while in university, not what we depended on, but it was embarrassing). He had a period where he would just play videogames and got fat. And then he pulled himself together again. He wasn't taught financial responsibility as a kid, so it took him a few years into adulthood to get there, too.

Some people are going through a bad time, some people are bad news.

If your attraction is truly lost, go ahead and leave him. But that might just be a temporary thing, because you are anxious now. Look to the man beneath the surface. Is this who he is, come to surface? Or is it a reaction to some temporary internal struggle?

What kind of man is your dad and what judge of character is he? This is not something to overlook.

Nobody is perfect. You have not described a consistent pattern of mistakes or mismatched values. Just a short bad period and an incident. This could lead to growth or could deteriorate into drama.

skeleflor · 2018-12-28T20:04:41+00:00

To be able to identify "red flags" you first must identify with absolute clarity your personal values and dealbreakers in a relationship. These will be different for every woman. For me, personally, what you have described would indeed be red flags. Bear in mind, however, that red flags are simply that: warnings to proceed with vigilance and caution. Red flags may precede the breaking of the deal if certain behavioral patterns aren't corrected.

By 26 I'd expect a man to have his drinking under control. I'd also be very hesitant to commit to a man who exhibited toxic behaviors that mirrored and triggered past trauma for me and made me feel unsafe. My number one "must have" in a captain is "makes me feel safe: physically, emotionally, and materially." Even the strongest of men are only human; no captain is a rock 100% of the time and it's cruel and unreasonable to demand or expect superheroic infallibility. Now having said that, there are certain behaviors and situations that I find intolerable and which, having endured them previously, I refuse to accept in a long term commitment because my sense of safety and peace would be under constant threat and life is too short to live that way. An established pattern of financial recklessness and uncontrolled, irresponsible drinking would send me out the door. Isolated incidents of those behaviors (considered with mitigating circumstances) would certainly make me wary. You haven't elaborated on those mitigating circumstances, but showing up sloshed to your work party is a big deal; he embarrassed you and compromised your reputation in front of your professional peers. This, to me, is also a big deal:

I have had a very difficult December as my grandmother whom I am very close to has been in and out of hospital and I've been looking after her. He barely would ask how she is, and I felt he wasn't there for me.

I recently ended a decades long friendship with a close friend who utterly failed me (in truly spectacular fashion) when my father passed. The pain of that depth of betrayal from someone so intimately trusted in is hard to heal or forgive, and weakens the relationship over time (as it continues to resurface) if it can't be worked through and resolved. I'd be greatly concerned if the man I loved couldn't be my rock in grief; if he were showing, less than two years into our relationship, that he couldn't be depended on, that I couldn't lean on him and his strength to steady myself and keep me solid against life's storms.

LauryAnne123 · 2018-12-28T23:21:08+00:00

You're right about the risk of him returning to heavy drinking in case of a "bad episode, because this seems to be his coping mechanism. So if you chose to stay with him, make sure you take good care of yourself.

You can reach out to an Al Anon group (it's a 12-step program for friends and family of alcoholics.)

There's plenty of Al Anon talks on YouTube you can listen to.

Also: keep in mind that it's quite common for children of alcoholics to end up marrying alcoholics.

You might be interested in resources for AOC's (adult children of alcoholics.) Given your family history, things like Al Anon and books on codependency can help you become stronger and happier (no matter how the situation with your boyfriend evolves,) and help you make better decisions.

Reading list for Adult Children of Alcoholics:

https://www.verywellmind.com/books-for-adult-children-of-alcoholics-66600

PredatorLeet · 2018-12-28T16:45:55+00:00

Typical hypergamy. People have flaws and they do fail. The thing is to be able to pick up the pieces and come back stronger. If you feel like dumping him, you might struggle finding perfect person who never fails. However, excessive drinking is a red flag for me.

Candyland21245 · 2018-12-28T23:48:46+00:00

A woman once told me that you should never depend on your man to be your emotional support. We're just different emotionally.

Men aren't wired to pry. They're cut and dry. So if you don't explicitly state you're feeling bad about your grandma, he'll likely never think to really ask in the same way you'd think to ask.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're dealing with this dilemma. But out of control drinking is a red flag for me. This time he was able to stop "before it got bad" but what about next time?

Title	My boyfriend- give it some time or red flag?
Author	luminaries91
Upvotes	1
Comments	15
Date	December 28, 2018 4:04 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/aabj2d/my_boyfriend_give_it_some_time_or_red_flag/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-boyfriend-give-it-some-time-or-red-flag.68021 https://theredarchive.com/post/68021

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