Taking no shit but staying an empath

whycantweallgetal0ng · 2019-12-28T20:39:34+00:00

You do this by being the biggest empath to yourself first and foremost.

Think about it: You are angry because you let yourself down in the past. Once you build trust within you, there will be no underlying fear of putting up with bullshit in the future.

You will be less inclined to get offensive with him and more likely to sit back and ask, is this situation good for me? And actually listen to what you have to say.

Rexins · 2019-12-28T18:57:28+00:00

As someone with similar struggles, I sometimes catch myself starting to rationalize shitty behavior and force myself to stop and evaluate the degree of inconvenience/disappointment, and of equal importance the frequency. Would you treat someone the way you’re being treated? Was it something minor? You also have to remember that you are a person and owe it to yourself to not put up with certain things. Out of self-respect and self-love, you have to be firm on your boundaries, express the way his negative actions affect you, and do not put up with too much shit. You are not a dumpster that takes in everyone’s trash.

2340000 · 2019-12-28T22:07:34+00:00

What things are letting you down? I know you love him but seriously consider what he's done. Would you do it? Does he apologize and change his behavior?

Frequent-Pea · 2019-12-28T18:39:28+00:00

The fact that you are aware of the balance probably means that you are ready. Whatever “ready” means. Everything is subjective.

Maintain the balance. You’re on the right path.

TheLastUBender · 2019-12-29T15:30:33+00:00

I think the main thing is to realize that the capacity to feel empathy for others is a gift that you can choose to deploy or not, depending on the circumstances. I had to practice to shield myself from other people's emotions.

Not to be dramatic, but I do pick up on other people's moods very quickly and my (learned, thanks family) impulse is to try and be accomodating. You have to catch yourself doing it and decide whether you currently want to take on this emotional labour. Does that other person deserve your time and kindness? Do you have the capacity to deal with it right now or would you feel resentful later? Etc.

Mindfulness meditation has helped me as well. Sometimes, the main achievement is to recognize and acknowledge those learned responses so you can choose to do soemthing else.

Snowlamp · 2019-12-28T19:27:53+00:00

Exactly, exactly, what I am working on now with my psychologist.
I've not been near a man in a few years... because I just kept being too empathic, turned me into, as the famous quote says "Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl."
Excusing the way they treated me with the saying "hurt people hurt people" and thinking they must have had a bad childhood/relationship in the past and to treat someone so badly they must feel even worse than I do (being on the receiving end of their behaviour).

But in these awful times of Trump and Tories and Brexit... we don't need more less people caring. I don't want to lose that, but I also want to be treated with respect.
So I'm trying to learn how to care for me too, not put up with shit whilst not losing that caring part of who I am.
The approach my psychologist is taking with me is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and I have to say after years of just standard counselling with someone else, this is far more effective and I feel hopeful now!

FluffandRainclouds · 2019-12-28T23:59:42+00:00

I would advise you to think: did he do a shitty thing that you would never do to him? Did he violate relationship norms? Did he do anything on the fuckboy behavior list? Red flag list? Or this list? https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/egnqpl/hes_great_in_all_these_other_places_but/

Can you list examples of the behavior? Honestly the times I let BS slide I really regretted it. Every time. Even when I tried not to, I realized my past self held men to that lower double standard. I was asking for so little, just common human decency, and rationalized "well, this is how men are." If he's hurting your feelings he might need to go...

Title	Taking no shit but staying an empath
Author	lileyelash
Upvotes	37
Comments	9
Date	December 28, 2019 6:34 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/egu9yh/taking_no_shit_but_staying_an_empath/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/taking-no-shit-but-staying-an-empath.686063 https://theredarchive.com/post/686063

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