20F college student please advise. thank you if you read to the end.

flashback to fall 2018: imagine dumping a tall handsome guy from your hometown who shares all the same hobbies as you, takes accountability, puts family first, works on himself, reads, works hard, plays college sports, doesn't drink or do drugs and goes to the gym on a regular basis and then thinking u would somehow find better. my first love. i played myself and i've been so depressed reflecting on my mistakes and this loss for a year now. now he found a new girlfriend. i was young inexperienced and dumb and i've been paying the price ever since because these guys just do not seem to exist in the dating pool anymore. and it makes me miss my ex even more.

fast forward to the present day, i can't seem to find luck on these dating apps, i've been on a few dates with guys from these apps but the vast majority either expose such glaring red flags before i even meet up with them or the conversation just fizzles out. nobody wants to commit, the guys i've "talked" with since my ex just want to have sex with me and take their cake and eat it without building something, building a life together. i've been told my standards are too high, and that i need to lower them, but how can i when in the past I was with someone who met all of these and more? red flags are so rampant i want to cry when i compare my options to the dream guy i loved and lost. feels like i'll never get over this. i go to a college that has been a complete mismatch for me academically and socially for purely financial affordability reasons and i have not had any luck meeting guys there either, compounding my struggle to find meaningful connection. i watch my friends enjoying their college experience and finding connection or continuing relationships from high school, which is becoming more common where i live nowadays even in a major city. i haven't found any guys in any places i've been- clubs, work, gym, recreational sports, mutual friends- and i am fully aware my attitude on the past is fueling my pessimism in the present. it's a huge problem but i struggle to not feel hopeless. i know i am no saint- i've made a ton of mistakes in my previous relationship and beaten myself up for them. Self reflection has brought me so low, i will admit it still hurts so bad that I got the death penalty but i know understandably it was too late to fix my mistakes. i was the bad guy, now it feels like i won't find love again. i've been working in therapy, focusing on school, going to the gym, writing it out, trying to work on my hobbies, working more, seeking to meet more people, putting myself out there, etc. but have not met anyone. this obviously can't only be external- i must be projecting vibes that are reflecting back to me, and i am aware people can sense if you have not moved on / are still hung-up on someone from the past but it feels like my environment is perpetuating this issue. i know i am not entitled to a boyfriend by any means, but i want to grow with someone, i crave a relationship- a couple times this year this desire has almost led to me to get involved with someone who i know is not right for me.

i know this might come off as naive but since i was a kid one of my biggest dreams was always to have a loving stable family, with a husband and raise our children together. i lost someone i could have had this with. it feels rarer and rarer to find a compatible guy who will commit and grow together. i come from a broken family and i've spent my early adulthood trying to heal from family dynamics and learned behaviors, coping mechanisms that i adopted in my adolescence. it's a learning process every day. i know that growth is never truly complete and i have to keep striving to be a better human being. but i feel like i'm getting worse, regressing and have been feeling even more isolated, disconnected and lonely than i've ever felt before. i will be the first to admit i struggle with depression and anxiety, and aspects of my personality i despise in myself that i've been working to correct.

any advice on how to move forward from this is greatly appreciated. i know this is a rant and kind of leaves my questions in the air but i am seeking any advice. open to any and all opinions even if it is hard to swallow. if you've read this, thank you so much for taking the time. i really appreciate this page and it's helped me learn so much.