Feel like I'm doing this all wrong and I don't know where I'm screwing up.

AQueenCrowned · 2019-10-20T01:32:02+00:00

Men don't respect women who engage in sexual acts that they feel ashamed about. They might enjoy it, immensely even, but men tend to never escape the Madonna/whore dichotomy, and when you engage in pornographied sex, or bdsm, or kink, they stop respecting you. Even if they never come right out and say it, they feel deep disgust and shame for hurting women (or doing things to them that feels dirty and unwholesome) and getting off to it. That disgust gets projected onto women because they've "allowed" it to happen, or invited it to happen, and men see women as the gatekeepers and guiders of sexuality. When a man feels like he has been "led astray" (as he sees it) by a woman into engaging in shame-based sexuality, he sees her as a kind of evil temptress and despises her for it.

I'm not saying any of this is fair, it's just the current state of things.

Newtosexandmen · 2019-10-20T02:09:09+00:00

Make them wait for sex. For months. If you have to, pick one to be your fwb so you won’t be so thirsty, don’t tell any of your dates about him, and find the guy who is willing to date you for literally months with no possibility of sex. Tell him you want to really get to know each other first before you decide if you want to be more than friends. On your first date, ask him what he’s looking for, then tell him that you’re looking for something serious and that you want to really get to know someone well before moving further with them. This is going to get rid of a lot of guys. That’s what you want. The guys who you get rid of with this were never really options for you anyway, they were just pretending to be in hopes of getting their dicks wet. The guy who keeps dating you after this will be one you really connect with conversationally, intellectually, emotionally, etc. and will actually be into you as a human being and not just a fuck doll.
So yeah after you weed out all the guys you were never getting anywhere with anyway, the guys who want to keep seeing you are your real options. Make them wait for months. Really get to know them. Don’t put any labels on your relationship other than friends at this point and keep fucking your fwb on the side if you want. Keep it wholesome with your real prospects- just have fun with them but nothing sexual and honestly I wouldn’t even really kiss them much until you’ve known each other for months and are sure this is the guy you want a relationship and possibly marriage with. Eventually he will push you for a relationship, at this point you tell him you like him a lot but that you want to make sure you’re on the same page and your goals are- whatever they are. Marriage, kids, no kids, someone to travel the world with, whatever it is that you specifically are hoping to get out of the relationship. Then if he’s on the same page with all that, congrats you have a boyfriend. The only potential downside is if you go through all this and then he turns out to be bad in bed, you have to break up with him and it sucks. I went through this process with two guys and the first was awful in bed so we broke up but then with the second one everything was great.

The reason for all this is because while sex makes women bond, it actually does the opposite for guys and prevents them from bonding with you or even really seeing you as a human being. What will make them bond with you is talking to you, you laughing at their jokes, telling them jokes, hugging and cuddling. You want to do enough of this before you have sex so that’ve built a really strong bond for you already and it can withstand the effects of sex on men, which is mostly just making them want to go fuck other women.

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s_slayer · 2019-10-20T01:43:41+00:00

I haven’t really dated for a very long time. I tend to meet men who come onto me really strong and win me over and I end up staying in unsatisfying (sexually, emotionally) relationships for long periods of time. But, from what I know about OLD and hook ups and stuff from my friends who have all gone through it, by having this kind of wild sex with them and doing it early on, you’re coming across as desperate. Men run from desperation. They’re not seeing their dream girl in you and probably wonder if you do this with all your other dates (which you confirmed).

My friend was having problems getting men to stick around and when she told me some of the stuff she was doing to them sexually, I flat out told her to stop. Like trying to put her fingers in their anus during sex because she heard they like that. To me that is too intimate a thing to do with someone you are hoping for a LTR with and don’t really know. She was also in a LTR that was emotionally abusive and when she was free, she immediately wanted to get back into another one. I have encouraged her to take some time off from dating and just be alone with herself, maybe find a therapist. All these guys did want to get down her pants and she let them. Then she tried hard to be what she thought they’d like instead of being authentic and they never stuck around.

Guys may like a fantasy but not for the girl they want to respect and be with. Another anecdote - my sister was beautiful and used to scream loudly during sex with men and and she could never keep them around. I think in reality it was off-putting to them. It was definitely her both enjoying being an actress and also thinking they liked that. This is the only thing that really jumped out at me from your post. You’re trying too hard and they sense that from a mile away. Do you feel like you’re truly being yourself when you’re with these guys?

TheOGJammies · 2019-10-20T01:13:43+00:00

How well are you vetting these guys before meeting them? Are you meeting primarily online? It sounds like you might be wasting too much energy and time on dates with men who aren’t compatible.

Cooking_withSvetlana · 2019-10-20T18:26:58+00:00

Unfortunately you're going to have to weed through A LOT of losers. I waited three years before I found my man, and he courted the fuck out of me. I went on close to 100 dates in that time frame, and weeded out all the low quality men, men who were looking to sleep around, or lazy men during that time by not sleeping with them. You just have to be patient and keep being the best version of yourself in the meantime.

-sweetwater- · 2019-10-20T08:00:18+00:00

Unfortunately we live in a world where we need to pretend that we don’t like fun sex if we want a serious relationship. If we have too much fun, we’re viewed as not being relationship material 🙄

Then we hear stories about women being starfishes, pillow princesses. Well...if we can’t let loose and have fun without men defaulting to simplistic 1950’s cliches, they are getting what they ask for.

Men want to have fun sex, then marry the starfish because she’s “wholesome,” then they lament the dead bedroom situation they created for themselves, and years down the road and mountains of resentment later, one or both partners end up cheating on each other because they are not sexually fulfilled by their spouses.

Personally? I’d rather have the fun sex and be single. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who denies me the fun, engaging, adventurous sex I want. I’ve built a great life for myself and I’m not going to compromise my world for some sexually repressed man who is intimidated by my more adventurous side. Like...grow a spine, buddy.

I’m a professional, I have integrity, and I love kinky sex. If you can’t deal with accepting all sides of my personality, then I don’t want your dick anywhere near me.

bearded_dragonlady · 2019-10-20T02:11:58+00:00

I've tried most of the tactics I've seen here on the guys I want but it's like if you don't have sex with them they lose interest, and if you make them wait they lose interest.

You're probably attracting fuckboys that would lose interest either way, because they were only looking for something temporary to begin with. If you're having trouble vetting for the right guys, then just wait about 6-7 dates before doing anything sexual. If a guy is worthy and compatible, he will keep seeing you, because that means he truly values your company. Most guys won't make it thru the filter, but that's a good thing. Treat it as a learning experience on how to strategize better in the future.

I don't really talk sex and I set that boundary pretty quick the second they start.

Block them if they get sexual before they show any real investment. Don't "set that boundary", they will just pretend to be respectful and end up wasting your time.

I can't help if my walk or the way I fucking pick something up is sexy but it seems to make me a target. Am I supposed to just downplay every single aspect of who I am and my sexuality

No, but there are ways to give off a classy vibe and tasteful sexuality. If you want, you can look up some youtube videos about attracting high quality, wealthy men. Some of those girls will give advice on how to present yourself as refined, sexy, and high value.

I like it rough, and I like it in ways I know a lot of guys are into that are problematic depending on the person

There are men who give off a masculine, dominant energy who know how to be a gentleman that provides for and protects you. Don't go after low value fuck boys. I can't even enjoy 'rough' sex with those type of people because their inherent low value turns me off too much lol.

Newtosexandmen · 2019-10-23T12:16:48+00:00

I just want to thank everyone. This thread has been WOW eye opening. Even a few days later I feel so much better. I've whittled down my dating app guys to the essential men that fit my criteria and I'm cutting them off at the first red flag I see.

Already seems I'm talking to more quality men... Now to employ this stuff in real life. I have a date tonite with a guy who's actually been gunning for me for a couple weeks and acting like he should. Hopefully it carries over to real life but if it doesn't he's goneeeeee.

Thanks ladies. Changed my dating life forever. I've been telling every woman I know about this sub lol.

Title	Feel like I'm doing this all wrong and I don't know where I'm screwing up.
Author	Newtosexandmen
Upvotes	9
Comments	34
Date	October 20, 2019 12:33 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/dkcbdi/feel_like_im_doing_this_all_wrong_and_i_dont_know/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/feel-like-im-doing-this-all-wrong-and-i-dont-know.695594 https://theredarchive.com/post/695594

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