This may seem contradictory to the title, but my life is great. I am only 19 right now and compared to what's happening in the rest of the world I should be grateful for just being alive even. I get to gym I get to meet a couple of people.

Yet I just hate myself. I am not what you would call a 'pussy' but there are so many times I dont speak my mind . And I just hate myself for it. I want to be that fun charming guy and have fun. Not talk about boring shit. I dont really have a social life. Sure I go the gym have a bit of banter with the lads there and it's fun but so many more times it's just boring shit.

And also I dont know where I am going in life. I am in highschool, have barely talked to girls and that's what I hate myself more for. Sure I live in a conservative society but my cousins are banging chicks and it makes me feel insecure as fuck. They dont even lift. I lift 6 days a week way better shape than they are but fuck I hate my social skills.

It's just this self hatred I am unable to get out of. Honestly I dont even know what to do. I dont even know if I will be able to have a decent social circle in uni since I have failed so many times. Slowly I realised that what matters to me isnt money or pointless other relationships with girls but actual deep meaningful relationships. And my lack of ability to have them despite repeated attempts does drive me a bit crazy at times.