X/post - overcome “daddy issues”... wanting to stop bad habits.

Sorry if that title isn’t the correct format -

Before it as removed from TRP, there was a post on girls who may have “daddy issues” and how to perceive them or deal with girls who may exhibit them.

I found myself realizing that I had some traits of the category of the girl who had an absentee/here and there dad.

My father was in and out of my life bc he had drug issues and cheated a little too much so my mom and the rest of us couldn’t cope.

I grew up a little resentful and a little disconnected from him. He never came around to being a great dad even as I got older so I decided to cut him out of my life. Even when I tried to resolve issues it seemed like he wasn’t really as vested or accountable.

The advice I’m seeking... when there is a guy I’m seeing I can get jealous and see some scary traits. I don’t act out towards the guy usually but I also don’t like getting to that level either. It rarely happens but when it does it’s not a good feeling. I’m typically a levelheaded person and happy. I’d say about 90% of the time but if I like someone I want them as happy and as invested as I am. I’ve also learned to do “check ins” if I’m talking to a guy and they are exhibiting signs that they are interested in me as I am them. This also helps me walk away or break it off if it seems like we’re taking two different paths. I’m a huge fan of transparency.

Any pointers on how to not get to that level? Meaning jealous and overthinking. I would rather date and marry someone who is nothing like my father & I’ve dated and know some good guys who I wouldn’t want to run off with any tendencies or behaviors that may be a result of my past.

I am a girl who is a traditionalist and would hope to date someone who is the same.

Thank you.

[–]LawyerInTheMaking7 points8 points9 points 8 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]Blissfully[S] 6 points7 points8 points 8 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

Hi :)

Thanks for your reply.

I know this may sound weird to some but I don’t really relate guys to my father. I relate them more to my brother who I adore. Or other guys I’ve gone out with though I know that’s not great either.

What makes me jealous is when I start liking a guy I want him to like me the same and if I feel like he doesn’t or isn’t being aggressive in his pursuit then I get agitated and either stop entertaining him bc I feel like he’s not as interested or perhaps call him out on it which sometimes I feel isn’t my place if we aren’t official. I just have trouble sometimes in my personal life communicating thoughts and feelings. Historically people just don’t care about your feelings. At least in my experience (not just speaking romantically here). So it bottles up.

I also create stories in my head. Example - if they aren’t communicating with me frequently or going out with me... then is there another girl? Which then can make me feel insecure or turned off.

If I’m their friend on social media it’s even worse bc then I can view your activity on someone else’s page and assume you must be into that person.... sad I know but the truth. Which leads me to fade to the mist or feel like I should.

Typically I can temper it out and ignore the feeling/urges but the more I like a guy the more nervous I get esp if I feel like I like them more than they may like me.

[–]LawyerInTheMaking5 points6 points7 points 8 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

Hey :), just a few things :

Or other guys I’ve gone out with though I know that’s not great either.

Your first step is to stop this habit. No girl wants to compared to their mans ex, and its the same for guys. Also you dont want your relationships with other men influence how you judge your next man, especially unfairly. Comparing to your brother is fine, my little sisters do it too. If your brother is a healthy role model then i think it is fine to look for someone that has those similar characteristics.

if I feel like he doesn’t or isn’t being aggressive in his pursuit then I get agitated and either stop entertaining him bc I feel like he’s not as interested or perhaps call him out on it which sometimes I feel isn’t my place if we aren’t official.

before you feel this ask yourself a few questions. does he work a lot? does he have family to take care of? does he go to school? asking yourself these kinds of question and knowing the answer to them will give you a better understanding of what he is doing with his time. He could very well want to be with you but if he is busy a lot with his other responsibilities then he cant pursue you as much as he (and you) would like. The key here though is that not to make unfounded assumptions of if he cares to be with you or not.

I just have trouble sometimes in my personal life communicating thoughts and feelings. Historically people just don’t care about your feelings. At least in my experience (not just speaking romantically here). So it bottles up.

This to me seems to be a modern societal thing where people mostly seem to be anti social and keep to themselves. I have one real friend and he is my best friend from high school, and we talk about everything. and to be honest thats how it should be. having a close group of quality friends is way better than having many. My advice to you is to reach out to people and not have high expectations, youd be surprised what kinds of friends you make. For example, one of my friends i met through twitter about 4ish years ago and i went to her wedding last year in Texas (im from Canada) lol.

I also create stories in my head.

This has to stop because you are self-sabotaging your own relationships and getting in the way of your own happiness. Unless there are noticable red flags, what are you basing your suspicions on? You would be holding him to something he has not done nor do you have any proof that he is seeing someone else. If you keep doing this then how is he supposed to build trust with you? You would be pushing away the love you want someone to give you

Its a positive sign to see that you have a handle on your emotions and i would continue to work on it. I think it would go a long way to help some of the insecurity/trust issues you have.

[–]Blissfully[S] 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Yes! With your first point about comparison... I think of my brother sometimes bc he is such a delight and hes one of the rare "one woman only" type of alpha guys which I appreciate. I think some it stems from our childhood but hes a LTR guy and he just got married for the first time, at 37... he took his time making sure that the girl he pursued was the ONE but he focused solely on her and I appreciate that.

OK you got me there with your second point (sorry I dont know how to format like you)... I do NOT. I don't ask myself those questions bc I'm never that busy and even if I was... if I like you, Im an all in kinda gal so most things will fall to the wayside bc you're that important to me... so I feel like you should be the same but I am slowly but surely understanding thats not how the world works. Even with my close friends who are getting older and having different interests that differ from mine or finding life partners Im seeing that other things may outweigh your relevance in their life.

I actually have really great friends. Only 2. And then a lot of people I know. I totally totally agree with you on the anti-social bit. Its like we've all suddenly built up walls and no one cares to see over them or help tear them down so... where does that leave people who want to be vulnerable but feel they cant?

AND one of my first real connections with with a Redditor who I send birthday and Christmas gifts too lol I cant wait for her wedding! Ive had this account now for about 6 years and she has been in my life that long.

Man, yes. I can see how that can be. I actually had a discussion with a guy friend of mine about this. I asked him "can you intuition be fueled by insecurity" and he remarked no... but that your insecurity can lead you to make bad choices and make it seem like you were being intuitive...

Haha, yes thank you <3 I sincerely do try to reign myself in however since its so rarely that I like someone sincerely I tend to be all consuming and all in when I do. Sometimes I feel like I need to be more like other people I know and have "orbiters" or the like just to not be so "into" one single person (speaking romantically here) bc I have seen people who think they are working towards something with someone or "taking it slow" and they were just being used as an ego boost to said person... or to get over a past hurt. Scary stuff.

I sincerely appreciate your insight and well thought out responses. You are going to make a great lawyer.

[–]LawyerInTheMaking1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Im an all in kinda gal so most things will fall to the wayside bc you're that important to me... so I feel like you should be the same but I am slowly but surely understanding thats not how the world works.

Sadly it isnt how the world works. with that said, knowing how it actually does work makes you prepared to handle things in the future. Consider a situation where you are married and have your first child. Im sure there will be times where you would want your husband to be there for you and help support the baby but he cant because he is working to support the family. Would it be fair to say that he is not contributing the same as you? i dont think so. Knowing the situation that you and him is in will go a long way in knowing what you and him can expect from each other and at what time.

Even with my close friends who are getting older and having different interests that differ from mine or finding life partners Im seeing that other things may outweigh your relevance in their life.

I think this is a good thing that you key'd in on because a lot of women todays day and age dont realize until its too later that as you get older you wont be able to spend time with people you used to because everyone will have different priorities. people get married, have kids, move, etc. and what once were close friends become just good friends. This is why its important in my opinion to develop hobbies and learn new things that you can keep growing and developing yourself. For me, when i move to law school next year im going to take cooking and dance lessons. While i may not have anyone to eat with or dance with im still learning to be an all around man and have skills to use in a future relationship.

I totally totally agree with you on the anti-social bit. Its like we've all suddenly built up walls and no one cares to see over them or help tear them down so... where does that leave people who want to be vulnerable but feel they cant?

My friends get annoyed when i do this but i actually call instead of texting them lol. If they text me, i call them back. If i want to talk or ask them something i call. unless they are at work or out busy i dont care, they are capable of speaking. Plus it brings back that human connection that people are missing in todays society. theres a hugh difference between you reading an "lol" text and actually hearing the other person laugh because you said something funny, no?

I asked him "can you intuition be fueled by insecurity" and he remarked no... but that your insecurity can lead you to make bad choices and make it seem like you were being intuitive...

I think your friend is right and to be honest it comes off as very bipolarish. It gives the impression that you alternate between two extremes. One moment you are freaking out because youre not getting the attention you want and the next moment you are backing off because you feel insecure. Managing this, whether through self help or professionally will go a long way towards addressing the insecurities you feel i think.

Sometimes I feel like I need to be more like other people I know and have "orbiters" or the like just to not be so "into" one single person (speaking romantically here) bc I have seen people who think they are working towards something with someone or "taking it slow" and they were just being used as an ego boost to said person... or to get over a past hurt.

Dont bother trying to have orbiters, youre a girl and if youre not unattractive then you will naturally have them. Plus a couple of heart emojis and compliments from them wont make you want any of them anyways lol. Theres nothing wrong with being "into" one person, the key i think is balance your desire with other activities. Say you are dating someone, you cant see them till nighttime. While you may miss them and want to be with him, can you be doing other things in the meantime? Not only will it keep you busy but it will temper you desire to be with him momentarily. You know when he is coming back and when he does, thats when you will spend time together with him. so why worry so much, ya know?

... I have decided to take up pottery/ceramics on top of my new gym routine to have more fun things and social things to look forward to and hopefully expand my social circle/life. (in regards to busy) thats the spirt lol. more importantly, stick to doing them!

[–]Blissfully[S] 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I appreciate this comment. The analogy doesn’t quite work on me bc children are not in the cards for me but I do understand what you’re saying here.
As a foodie and an amateur cook I’m so happy about your new venture!! I’m great in the kitchen but sadly can’t handle seafood bleh. Here is where I differ from you though - I used to be a super talky person on the phone but now I’ve gotten comfortable with texting! But but it’s also because I’m a sentimental person? So sometimes I’ll go back and read messages especially if I miss the person or am having a bad day. With a phone call you can’t really do that. Also I’d much rather be face to face with you anyway above all that lol.
I’ve never been described as bipolar ever. Not even harshly from an ex. I’m pretty even keeled. I did have one flash of jealousy a few weeks ago but I caught it but that’s what I wanted advice. I saw something I did NOT like. One of my friends laughed and said that I must really like the guy bc I’ve never done that before but I personally didn’t feel comfortable at ALL in emotional headspace. So I kind of disconnected until I felt better. That’s why your advice is very appreciated! Or thoughts etc. I’m a firm believer in consistency so I try to lead by example unless I feel like the person feels differently or changes tempo then I kinda fallback for feelings sake.
I didn’t know you were a guy! That changes the tone of this for me anyway, if that’s all orbiters are then yes I have some lol. I don’t entertain them bc that’s just the kinda girl I am. One of my friends hates that I focus on one person when I’m interested in them. She would love if I dated/fooled around/talked to a plethora of guys kinda like herself but that’s just not how I’m wired. Definitely not sexually bc I’m afraid of STDs.

And what’s funny... is that if a “breakup”/ “disconnect” occurs I get over the situation rather fast vs her, it stays with her mentally and emotionally and I can see traits of her getting more and more bitter about men which baffles me bc she will have at least ten guys talking to her and taking her out so you would think it would be easy to just get up and go but nope. It’s like once she took a chance you should be perfect bc she dropped her other guys for you... temporarily vs me I’m just like “oh it didn’t workout? I’ll be hella bummed for a day or two then gotta keep on moving! More fish in the sea”.

Thank you!! Yes my class for ceramics starts in January and runs for 6 weeks and then you can take classes a level up etc :D so that on top of gym/jogging & restarting the book Crucial Conversations will have me pretty tied up.

Thank you for your impressions. <3

[–]LawyerInTheMaking1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

As a foodie and an amateur cook I’m so happy about your new venture!! I’m great in the kitchen but sadly can’t handle seafood bleh.

Funny that you mention seafood because one of my school choices is in Louisiana so im definitely learning how to cook cajun.

Also I’d much rather be face to face with you anyway above all that lol.

lol during the school year i dont even answer my texts unless its an emergency, if they really want to talk to me they can find me in person. I do prefer face to face over everything though lol, you dont have to wait hours for a response and cant be put on read lmao. Plus the added benefit is that you find out who actually cares to go out their way to see you.

I’ve never been described as bipolar ever. Not even harshly from an ex. I’m pretty even keeled. I did have one flash of jealousy a few weeks ago but I caught it but that’s what I wanted advice.

Dont get me wrong i dont think your actually bipolar lol, just the action of going from super attached to distant can be bipolarish. i know quite a bit of women are like that and they are and they can be too much sometimes. But do look into how to manage

I didn’t know you were a guy! That changes the tone of this for me anyway, if that’s all orbiters are then yes I have some lol. I don’t entertain them bc that’s just the kinda girl I am. One of my friends hates that I focus on one person when I’m interested in them. She would love if I dated/fooled around/talked to a plethora of guys kinda like herself but that’s just not how I’m wired. Definitely not sexually bc I’m afraid of STDs.

Dont feed the orbiters lol, i used to be one back in my bluepill days and looking back it was quite cringy. and lets be honest with each other on this, you can have the attention from orbiters all day every day but their attention is not the one you want. you want the attention that one guy that youre actually attracted to so all orbiters do is provide a quick ego boost. I partially agree with your friend that you should go on dates and talk to guys, however dont fool around until you have actually secured commitment. Contrary to societies teaching, fooling around does have an impact on a person (at least psychologically). Its psychologically damaging and quite frankly unattractive (i dont spin plates so at least im consistent on this lol). I myself dont have a problem dropping a girl with a history, no matter how fine she is.

her, it stays with her mentally and emotionally and I can see traits of her getting more and more bitter about men which baffles me bc she will have at least ten guys talking to her and taking her out so you would think it would be easy to just get up and go but nope. It’s like once she took a chance you should be perfect bc she dropped her other guys for you....

If she has at least 10 guys and cant find even one that will work for her then that tells a lot about her. either her standards and expectations are unrealistic, trying to find a guy that is out of her league, or is trying to find a Chad to commit to her. And if she can have at least 10 guys then she probably has many more orbiters who would love to have a shot with her and to be honest would probably be better for her, but shes not interested in them. You are actually better off than her because she is setting herself up for failure. Im wondering if she has much to offer beyond initial attraction because girls with substance are not a dime a dozen. If she has a lot to bring to the table then it would make sense for her to have expectations.

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Title	X/post - overcome “daddy issues”... wanting to stop bad habits.
Author	Blissfully
Upvotes	10
Comments	21
Date	November 5, 2017 3:38 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7ave9p/xpost_overcome_daddy_issues_wanting_to_stop_bad/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/xpost-overcome-daddy-issues-wanting-to-stop-bad.73715 https://theredarchive.com/post/73715

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