~ archived since 2018 ~

How to balance good communication and STFU?

[deleted]

February 27, 2018

1 upvotes

/r/RedPillWomen

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

PDF TXT EPUB

Post Information

Title	How to balance good communication and STFU?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	1
Comments	17
Date	February 27, 2018 4:11 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/80nlj4/how_to_balance_good_communication_and_stfu/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-balance-good-communication-and-stfu.74334 https://theredarchive.com/post/74334

Comments

[–]aussiedollface2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]0zamataz__Buckshank 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Thank you! This is great insight. I definitely don’t want to elevate her more. He doesn’t really even consider her an ex girlfriend. In fact, he heard through mutual friends she was calling herself that and he had a talk with her that they weren’t exclusive before he left town for a few months (during which we started talking). I think she was holding out hope he would come back and pick back up with her and she could win him over, but I came into the picture and got the commitment she wanted but never could get. I’m sure if he knew how much I thought about her, he would think it was silly because she was just a constant plate to him. He wasn’t looking for commitment or a relationship when we met (which he has told me since, when we started talking I hadn’t heard of RPW so I didn’t know about vetting), but I guess I inspired him to change his mind when he realized he had to lock me down. I know she’s nothing to him, but since there was a little overlap of us, I wish she would just disappear if I’m being completely honest.

[–]aussiedollface0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]cherryhearts-2 points-1 points0 points 8 years ago* (15 children) | Copy Link

[–]ventuspilot6 points7 points8 points 8 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]0zamataz__Buckshank 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]ventuspilot0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]0zamataz__Buckshank 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]ventuspilot0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]cherryhearts0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]WhatIsThisAccountFor3 Star1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]cherryhearts1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]cherryhearts1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

So you know I’ve been seeing a therapist to work on some insecurities and issues surrounding them I have. I’ve been struggling specifically with some irrational, unfounded jealousy that stems from my personals insecurities and projections of them onto this situation. I want you to know that you’ve done nothing wrong, and your actions haven’t been the root of any of this. It’s purely a ‘me’ issue, and that’s why I’ve been trying to work through it on my own for a bit. I didn’t want to rope you into something that you didn’t cause and take the burden off my chest and put it onto yours unfairly and have you think you’ve done something or need to do or change something.

But I haven’t been able to let go completely of these thoughts and feelings, and it was getting to the point that it no longer felt like I was just privately working on myself, but actively hiding these thoughts from you, which isn’t something I want to do. I want to have open communication and not keep you in the dark about what I’m going through. I’m embarrassed that I’m feeling this way and that I haven’t been able to overcome it on my own, but I want to be able to be vulnerable and let you in, even if doing so may cause you to see me in a less than perfect light. I want to be the best me I can be for you, and it’s scary to think you may see my weaknesses, but it would be selfish of me to continue to keep it to myself to save face. You’ve always said open communication is important, so here I am.

I know you love me and choose to be with me every day. I feel secure in our relationship, and I’ve never wanted anything more than to be with you and make you happy. I know we are in this for the long haul. The way I feel about you is something I’ve never experienced before, and I think something a lot of people will never experience in their lives. Our connection and commitment for each other is so strong, it just makes me know that being together is right. You’ve never made me doubt any of this in our relationship.

I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I’m not worthy of being with someone as great as you. My whole life, I’ve always felt like I was never anyone’s first choice and lived in fear that my presence is unwanted, and I just can’t pick up on the clues. My ex kept ‘back-burner’ girls and exes around that he tried to get with while we were broken up briefly and continued a bit after we got back together, although I didn’t find this out until after we broke up permanently. I know it’s not fair to color how I see things now by my past but learning that was another hit to my self-esteem. I think all these fears and insecurities have funneled into being jealous and feeling a little threatened by, however irrationally, of your relationship with (girl).

I know there was a little overlap of us talking when we started talking (we met while he was away/long distance), which I totally understand. I know that you actively chose to be with me when you came back and actively chose not to be with her. I think it started when you mentioned how some of the women in that friend group resented how things ended between you two, which played into my insecurities that they all disliked me and wished you would just get back together with (girl) because that would be so much easier. I know rationally this isn’t true, but that nagging voice in the back of my head kept telling me that.

I think the fact that she still had feelings for you when things ended made me feel jealous as well. Knowing she still probably carried a flame for you was a little threatening, although not your fault or something you can control. It came up on my feed I don’t want you to think that I’m saying I don’t trust you, because I do completely. But my insecurities latched onto that and wouldn’t let it go.

You mean so much to me,~~and I am scared this will come off as me being accusing or controlling or uncontrollably jealous, which isn’t what I want at all.~~ You’ve done nothing wrong and don’t have anything you need to change, which is why I struggled so long with sharing this. ~~I’ve never felt jealous or insecure in any other situation, but for whatever reason, I can’t seem to get over this on my own.~~ I ~~hope~~ know we can work through this and talk about it together ~~and maybe remove some of the mystery surrounding your relationship with her so I stop trying to fill in the gaps on my own.~~ I love you and hope that you can understand my feelings and frustrations on not being able to let this go, and I hope that sharing this was the right thing to do.

I cut out the fluff that he doesn't need to hear, anything I thought would make him question his role as a leader and protector. I also removed any stuff that was purely emotional hamstering. I left a lot of things open for him and more conclusive entirely. Less rambling, more straight to the point.

Finally, I would add something like what I mentioned about, simply telling him you'd prefer for him to remove a dirty plate from his counter, is fine. He can make that decision himself, but if you make it a statement, not a request, so then it's his choice, without any of your insecurities forcing it.

[–]0zamataz__Buckshank 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]cherryhearts0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]0zamataz__Buckshank 1 points1 points1 points 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]cherryhearts2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah but he probably just scrolls through his feed reacting/double tapping pretty much everything. That's how a large portion of people end up using social media anyways. Like a nosy neighbour.

because it feels like it’s him interacting with/validating them.

That paranoia is why I make sure they know my "no exes ever" condition. It's for my own mental health.

That being said, my boyfriend could add his ex to facebook today, spam her photos and I would have to reach inside myself and find acceptance. Accept that he's actively choosing ME everyday to be seriously involved in his life and he's only choosing to interact with them at best, mindlessly, on social media. Even if he does interact with them/validate them/give them attention - YOU are still his priority above all other women. So try and find solace in that.

Also, try to turn their lust for him, into a motivating reminder that you snagged yourself a wonderful man who worships you and women are envious of you now.