I feel like one of the most painful things in life is if someone you truly loved and cared about made up false and ridiculous reasons about you to get over you and now utterly hates you even though you're a good man and have tried literally everything to smooth over the breakup.

Can't get into too many details because too long. Just still can't truly get over it 2 years later. She and I both wanted it to work out, not once, not twice, but three times. Really two times, because we spent 13 months together with a 1 month break and then tried again 10 months after the original breakup. But she says to me she wanted us to work out 3 times.

I know she wanted to be with me because she kept giving me openings to "prove" to her that I was serious, and I know she didn't do this with anyone else. Her other few "relationships" were short-lived and not serious. She explained that. I'm the only guy she's been with, over 3 years later, that she still is willing to talk relationship stuff with.

She made up this idea that I used her (I didn't use her, I was still in blue pill mode when we were together; I absolutely was NOT using girls). I get why she feels that way but that doesn't make it true. It wasn't that I used her...it was that I was weak and then after we went through breakup up I desperately tried to fix our mess we created.

Unfortunately for the next few months we work together, so occasionally we have to interact, and even though I have wanted to smooth things over and literally just be cool with each other, she holds such hate and resentment towards me for like I said false and wrong reasons. I literally do not hate her; I am a mature guy and I put it like this:

  • We spent a year+ of our lives together, we got far beyond just sex and fun; we truly cared about each other's lives and each other as people. We broke up, but I never stopped caring about life; she did. If she could just fucking understand that I didn't use her and didn't hurt her intentionally, and that instead we simply didn't work out, we could be cool with each other and continue on with life. But she doesn't. She holds such wrongful hate for me and I cannot live with that. I admit it. I can't.

Our boss has had talks with her and told her that maybe if she just makes the slightest effort to get along with me and stop holding such hate towards me, things would be better. And he's right. But he told me she doesn't listen; she continues to not make that effort and causes a scene whenever we have to interact as normal human beings.

I've tried so hard. Done so many red pill things. Some weeks are better than others. But then there are times when I'm very close to just going full on rage and considering something terribly permanent, because I don't have the structures of close family or friends to lean on. And I simply cannot live with the fact that my ex utterly hates me when I literally never did anything to her to deserve to be treated that way. My mind and heart has been completely shattered and I am dead inside.