Hi everyone. After I posting my story on r/demisexuality last night, I was told that I perfectly fine fit the description of an alpha-widow. A few redpill-based subs even shared my post. Pretty embarrassing lol but luckily it led me to learn something possibly new about myself and a new community.

So, I always thought that I was asexual. I never felt attraction the way others did. I could visually see that some guys would be considered “attractive” but I didn’t feel anything deeper than that. I never wanted to have sex with any of them or even touch/kiss. I just never felt the urge. If anything, the thought grossed me out because...germs.

After meeting my ex, this changed. I can’t exactly put my finger on what about him brought out sexual desire in me. He was definitely attractive but it was deeper than just that. I wanted all of him. The grossed-out feeling that I got at the thought of sharing germs with other men was nonexistent with him. If anything I wanted his germs. Even his flaws were perfection to me. I felt this innate comfort with him mixed with this hunger to become one, it was so intense. The worst part is, I don’t even know if it was love; i knew from the beginning that we wouldn’t last. He was a definite player.

It’s been over a year since I’ve even seen him. The asexuality that I had before him has come back with a vengeance. I’ve been desperately hoping and praying that another guy would come along that would make me feel the same way but it just hasn’t happened. I think about him all the time, 90% in a sexual nature. It sucks so much because I know that I don’t take up even a fraction of his mind- he’s probably slept with 20 new girls since. Here I am still pining over him while rejecting the advances of every other guy.

I’ve just kind of accepted that I’m going to be miserable forever. Alone. That he’s going to be a key memory in my mind on my death bed. That if I ever even move on, it would have to involve immense force on my end. It’s gotten to the point to where I feel extremely bitter. Bitter at him for being able to stir these feelings in me. Bitter at myself for being such an utter cliche. Even bitter at other guys for not being able to do what he did. I’ve literally had to stop myself from looking at other men in disgust. I hate that they can’t do it for me. I hate that I’ll be stuck in this hell forever.

I am hungry for any kind of help. If anyone has been here, please tell me how you’ve gotten over it.