Rapid personality transformations do not happen very often in people with a stable and calm life, but they are probably more likely to happen in those who have reached the darkest pits of despair.

Man sometimes has to enter the state of chaos and destruction to evolve. A few months back I started falling into the dark pit of Nihilism and I eventually started getting out and changing by hitting rock bottom during this quarantine, undergoing loneliness, fear, rejection and instability and at last overcoming it through action.

Before I begin, I in no ways condone or encourage anyone to go through the same methods I believed I had to in order to grow and change. I noted my life experiences down and this came out as a result/conclusion. This is going to be something like a general life report.

THE PAST:

A few years ago, when I was 18 and I left home to study in a far away place, having grown up as a BP conditioned chump I desired to change in drastic ways but I couldn't find a path, a set of actions I could unleash my frustration upon and create something new, add to my life experience instead of wasting time and value. I wanted to fit in. This is when I started drinking booze, booze loosened my inhibitions and made me go out of my way to try and socialize more, meet people and create connections. Eventually it started happening, I moved away from stagnation and did what I had to do, at the cost of getting fucked up 2-3 times a week since I never had an adult man figure to guide me through my early 20's and teach me how to correctly adress issues. Again, I am not recommending anything like getting smashed on alcohol or stuff. I only want to show you how I coped and where it went from there. A few years forward & I find my-self working at a nightclub and having many connections, spinning a few plates and then trying a LTR. Beautiful experiences, until I had to move away and come back to help with family obligations and take over business. I discovered TRP and staretd hitting the gym and working on my social skills. This time around life slaps me harder, I lost a family member and this added more to the bitterness I tried to push away years back.

Eventually I got on with it or at least that's what I thought, I kept telling my-self how it's okay that these things happen and that I did not hit rock bottom, in my mind it seemed terrible and demeaning to throw it all away and move on viewing things from a renewed lens. I just wouldn't admit I hit rock bottom emotionally and I bottled up, I engaged in a catastrophic spree of running around and spinning plates, mostly while being smashed to the point I would wake up to a girl's house and feel devastated by last night's party, sometimes not remembering how I ended up there. I started a LTR with another woman this time around, for about 2 years and I had much fun, comfort, safety and security until I broke up. There, I discovered what was hammering me so much all these years.. It was a lack of abundance mentality and the illusion that I had to be validated by others to feel safe, and secure, and strong. I was afraid of letting everything go. All the supposed safety and false sense of security I had going on.

THE PRESENT:

Fast forward this summer and I was hitting the gym harder than ever gaining around 20 pounds and being ripped until november, and quarantine hits up. "Oh damn", I thought, "here I fail again."

Here comes the sweet spot. I started going out less and less, avoiding friends and family and eventually going through a period of introspection and shut down. I was abusing again and meditating daily, trying to find meaning in all of my past actions and cope with my now aging 3 years PTSD. I only found my-self overthinking and isolated, depressed, lonely. No answers came until one day, I felt so frustrated I said to my-self fuck this. I couldn't cope anymore and I decided to enlist in the army. I started creating weights and equipment to work out, I went out and introduced my self to new people and guess what, I couldn't have done better. The army might seem like a difficult experience/task but I had to find a way to create again, to evolve, to avoid being stagnant instead of splitting my personality again, but this only happened when I embraced the fact I hit ROCK BOTTOM and decided to leave the past behind.

You have to realize that if you don't accept the shit life throws at you and you can't do anything to control it, if you don't accept your past mistakes and take lessons from them instead of avoiding facing your failures you will NEVER progress. Stop trying to control everything and just let it all go. Nobody cares that you lost someone close to you or that you just broke up or lost your job, except you. Nobody can change you, except you. Embrace the pain and fuck all. You are living for yourself, not for others. I can't stress this enough. Yet here I am proving my point, I LET GO of everything and am soon moving far away from home. I'm exiting my confort zone. I'm killing everything I was dependent on. THIS, is a form of creating something new. Experience is the best teacher only if you put your ego aside and take the lessons, and if you're willing to sacrifice stability and security in it's modern conceived form.

Life itself is a big shit test. If you take things too seriously you'll get stuck, instead accept what's you don't have control over, and what's happened and from there on you will find a way to move forward. I had to feel frustrated again in order to apply major life changes. Everything has a price. The good thing you can make out of this post/story in my opinion is to understand that you have to set goals and take up challenges in order to grow. Don't be afraid to leave a part of yourself behind. Obviously now that you know that you don't have to indulge in self-destroying habits and addictions, in order to cope because what you're trying to cope with if you're anything like me is probably fear of the unknown and fear of failure, the two main struggles of a young man just hitting 18 and trying to find meaning and purpose, or you might also be seeking explanations. Fuck all that and instead of thinking start taking actions. Always remember to take joy and pride in what you do so that you do it very good, learn to love the things you already have at your disposal and appreciate the cards you are dealt with, learn to play them right.

Have a nice and very productive day.