I'll try to keep it short.

Had an LTR for over a year. At first she was head over heels, I was her first everything. She was perhaps even slightly too clingy. In time I started feeling guilty that I didn't love her as much as she loved me. I developed oneitis. I started relinquishing more and more control, she seemed so perfect. She wasn't like the other girls! When I let my feelings out to her, she sympathised, she supported me, it was great. We had such great communication. I thought she was the most straight-talking girl I'd ever met, which was refreshing. She made sure to confirm this to me as well.

She always said how she could never lie. It pissed her off when people lied, she'd rather give the uncomfortable truth than a lie. She said everyone knew her as the honest person. Was she honest? Was she fucking ever.

It's amazing what oneitis can make you forget when you believe you have a genuine connection to someone. I didn't even notice when the power balance tipped in her favour. She would take care of me...but not like a girl takes care of her man...like a mother takes care of a child. By the time I realized this it was far too late.

So this week we talk. And she breaks up with me. What's the reason? She thinks she might be asexual. She doesn't feel sexual attraction to me. She needs to break up so that she can "find out who she is". Yes, I know you've heard it before. It hit me too while we were having this conversation. She says she's scared that she's incapable of feeling sexual attraction, so she wants to ask out someone on her own terms when she's ready. Of course she makes sure to tell me not to change my personality, because I am "such an amazing guy". I'm not going to lie, this really hurt after reading so much TRP. I was seeing a textbook friendzoning after betafication in action. On me.

Today, I come into my lecture and talk to a mutual friend of mine and my ex's. I ask if she knows we'd broken up. She says yes. I ask, does she know why. Yes, she does. My ex told her she didn't see me as a man. She saw me as something cute, "like a puppy kind of cute".

It hurts a lot guys. It hurts a lot, because I see why. She's not wrong. I lift, and I'm in good shape, but that's not the problem. My personality is fucked. It's a submissive personality.

And this leads me into my question. How the fuck do I stop being such a beta mentally? I try to be independent, not give a fuck, but I feel bad for not giving a fuck. I still, deep down, want to have a girl I can open up to and count on for support.

I am in the anger phase again. They love you, you show them affection, they reward you for it, you start loving them and then they lose interest, even though they don't understand why, and they tell you that you're amazing but...for some reason they don't want to fuck you. I still have oneitis. The thought of someone fucking her and her enjoying it makes me sick to my stomach.

How do I stop being a pussy mentally? I can make a good first impression but after a while I relax. I let my passive autopilot take over. I give a fuck. I don't want to, but I do. When it comes to looking like a man physically, it's comparably easy. Eat a lot, hit gym. Great. But mentally? I don't know where to go.

Sorry for the rant. I have a Tinder date set up for tomorrow but I'm so fucked up mentally I have no idea whether it's even a good idea or not.

Could you guys help me?