Haunted by my past

JesusSamuraiLapdance · 2020-11-02T13:41:44+00:00

I think you'd struggle to find someone who wasn't bullied at some point when they were growing up, but some kids definitely had it worse than others, and some weren't as good at coping with it as others.

Trust and paranoia are some things I definitely struggle with and don't see any real way to fix it. Therapy works for some people. Other people just keep exposing themselves to people until they eventually are better at "fitting in".

I think it's important to try and keep in mind that if someone is being nice to you, you shouldn't always jump to the conclusion that they have some other kind of motive. And even if they do, it doesn't necessarily mean that their attempts to be nice to you are illegitimate.

At the same time, as this is being posted on a MGTOW subreddit, it's equally important to keep an eye out for red flags and to not let people take advantage of you.

But generally, try to stay level-headed and not "snap" at someone, whether they're being nice to you or not.

If they're being nice, then take it as them being nice. If they're not being nice, then just walk away (or if it's a relationship you'd like to maintain, try and figure out why they're not being nice and talk about it with them, try to come to a resolution). Just don't let anyone walk all over you. There's no reason to have to put up with that.

Red_rambler · 2020-11-02T13:33:51+00:00

Find a place to focus the aggression, combat sports, lifting weights, writing maybe even art as an avenue (god knows i was making some dark art working through my thoughts) whatever gets it out in the open.

CoolDEpot · 2020-11-02T14:14:17+00:00

In my experience all traumas are characterized by a deep horrible feeling of lack of control, like a parasite inside of our nerve system that we cant do anything to get it off of us.

I think of psychological traumas as damaged ''tissue'' of our ''psique system'' (wich includes everything from the abstract information in your brain to you actual nerves and hormone system).

This damage is caused by events in our life that have a very high ''psichological pressure'', this pressure is higher than what our psique system can handle wich means it doesnt know how to process it and loses control of it causing the system to colapse resulting in its tissue being damaged.

This pressure comes from things happening too fast, or being too complex, or too chaotic, too alien, or too evil and so on, things like being bullied, betrayed by a loved one, being on an accident, being raped, having our career destroyed suddenly and so on.

Specially if this event keeps re-ocurring like being bullied is, its not something that just happens one day but rather is the sistematic ''torture'' day after day while all the people around you dont care, lets it happen or even enjoys it, wich makes it really traumatizing.

I think the way to heal this is to first understand that its a very slow process (the tissues regenerates slowly and leaves a scar let say) so its a mistake to want to fix it quickly that only makes things worse.

Then day by day, week by week, try to remember and re-live these traumatic events in our mind in small controled dosis to process them both mentally (the automatic negative train of thoughts ) and biological (nerve and hormonal system reactions).

Each time healing lets say 1% of the wound, then recharging by doing something that makes us feel really good to then try again later on once we are fully recovered.

And as this progresses the traumatic reaction (both mental and biological) loses strenght and becomes more manageable until eventually we can re-live and just laugh at it or simply not care anymore.

For example one of my traumas was one of my best friends sleeping with my sister to then sleep with the girl i was enloved with, completely humiliating me and betraying my trust in front of everybody i knew.

This was very traumatizing and i spend some years just hating and angry because the experience just kept coming back again and again to my mind completely demoralizing me.

Then in desperation i started thinking outside the box and imagining how it must have felt for him and for her in all possible ways good or evil farfetched or realistic the more ideas the better (because i cant actually know the truth or read their minds so its a matter of imagining the possibilities) re-living those events from a different angle every time the subject came up in my head again.

Soon enough i started enjoying this practice because it freed me from the traumatizing symptoms wich are now just a big scar in my psique that reminds me of a really hard life lesson learnt.

Asturias369 · 2020-11-02T14:58:42+00:00

Greetings Brother! :)

I too was bullied ( 28Y now ) and 'kind of' came from the "forgiving/peace" etc.Also, I totally understand that "Now I am...treats" line :D

At some point in life, I think around 23, I begin a self-development / self-study.I figured and accepted that this way of living "Forgive" etc is al; bullshit, cake is a lie thing.I simply adept, well..wasn't easy obviously, but I stick to my own ethics/believes.

Now I look back I accept what happend to me back then, why?Because I was a different person back then, a boy, I did not know any better - so I forgave my younger self.

Thats actually how I deal with a lot of 'failings' of the past, most of the times, the blame was all on me for letting it go the way it went beceause of my believe system/mindset.

The question is, even tho it feels good ( =insulting someone ), do you accept that as a trait you carry tomorrow / into the future? If not, then simply change. The change is hard, most def. - you will relapse here and there, but change is not coming from God or something.Great man are not born right, you just have to remember and correct yourself.

Sometimes, my mind still goes off towards co-workers: "What a brainless fuu this guy is", but what my mind thinks is not who I am - I quickly try to think "Hey, this guy just a baby in his house, he prob. lacks some sleeping or whatever - let it go, fuu it". Try to counter your darkside in your mind with something that could happen to you ;)

Car in front of you riding slowly? Counter it with "Perhaps it's an old person driving".Co-worker are incompetent? Counter it with "At least the are a great person"

You always think of a positive reason to why things are not going you're way or the preferred way. HOWEVER, this only works if you truly wish to escape the darkside. I'll be honest, for a time I actually really liked the dark side - to walk of others in order to grow....but yeah, I am done with that shiit, that's not the man I want to be :)

Solo_and_Simple · 2020-11-02T15:13:12+00:00

I was like you, too, in that I was bullied as a kid and didn't fight back -- not because of Buddhism, but because I was an anxious kid, outnumbered, unskilled in fighting, and afraid of getting my ass kicked. But looking back, I wish I'd stood up for myself anyhow, even if it meant getting pounded. Too late to do anything about that now, though, so I just forgive myself and let it go.

That's maybe something you need to do -- forgive yourself for not standing up for yourself. It's possible that the Buddhist peacefulness stuff is a cover for fear. It feels better to tell yourself you did it because of peacefulness and enlightenment, but actually that's just a rationalization, and you were afraid? I'm not saying that's true of you. I don't know you, so I have no idea. But it's something to consider. If it's true, it may help to explain why you get resentful and bitter -- because, underneath, you're angry at yourself for not standing up for yourself.

One thing that helped me was to learn about the psychology of the bully. Look into that, and you'll get some insight into what cowardly and pathetic impulses this behavior comes out of. It's almost invariably a sign of immaturity and weakness in the personality. Understanding that helps. It also helps to understand how bullies gravitate to the nicest, gentlest, and most vulnerable targets. Like you (peaceful Buddhist) or me (small, anxious, nerdy, introverted). You can work against the traits that make you a "target" when you learn about them.

Two more things that helped me:

Standing up for myself when I encountered bullies later in life. Because I was ashamed of my failure to stand up for myself when I was bullied as a kid, I determined to not let that happen again. So whenever I was bullied, I tried to stand up for myself. I don't mean get in fights; I mean verbally assert myself, set boundaries, say how I felt, even if it was awkward and unskilled. I say "tried" because there were some circumstances where I couldn't generate the courage to do it (e.g., with a narcissistic, controlling boss). So I'm not saying I did it 100%, but the effort has been important. I think that helps restore dignity and self-respect, regardless of the outcome.
Understanding that since I have this wound or scar, I'm particularly sensitive to being bullied, and I may get *triggered* and over-react sometimes. There have been times that I've really gone off on people who I perceived as bullying. Looking back, I can see I really over-reacted. I try not to let that happen.

I'd also suggest that you try to get to the source of your anger and how it gets directed inappropriately at other people. I'm not sure what's going on there, so it's hard to give specific directions/advice, but you're thinking/perceiving is off somehow, or you're not handling your frustrations effectively. I'll leave it to you to sort it out.

Take care.

chals777 · 2020-11-02T17:24:41+00:00

I was bullied relentlessly for nearly every single year with multiple death threats.

Nothing was done before it was done in class, in front of a temp teacher. Nothing.

When I think back, my mother did not realy care much. Was lip service caring

The anger is still, 20 odd years, strong. The hatred is pure. I say, I completely understand why someone go school shooting because of this.

State school. No one cares. Not their job

Advise. Church. Philosophy and in general knowledge. R and k selection helped me a lot.

sevensliders · 2020-11-03T03:42:10+00:00

Oh yeah. I was bullied in my elementary and high school years and really have spent my 20s just stewing in my hate and bitterness (I do not recommend this. It's far better to get some outside professional help) and even now, 35, I'm still dealing with it in some manner.

I work towards it but it will be some more time until I will be "okay". I'm kinder to myself these days and treat myself with much more compassion instead of being extremely hard on myself.

Hang in there, I'm with you.

7Votorious420 · 2020-11-02T16:08:42+00:00

You should look into the types of physiological phrases that would compel people to act the way they do. Projecting, gaslighting, blame shifting and go deep into studying narcissism.

It’s a full on tactic of certain people, who may be closer than you think, to never uplift you with positivity or emotional support so you either endure what they suffered or to keep you at their level or lower. Accept you may be introverted and focus on quality over quantity when it comes to relationships. If you think going to certain events/ workplace environments is draining and killing your soul then do everything possible to find what environment works for you.

Men have the idea that shit talking and “after a fight we will be friends” but men already deal with enough shame and hostility. Establish boundaries with ignorant people and just accept that burning bridges will light the path to what you truly desire.

DumbIdiotsReadThis · 2020-11-02T17:50:50+00:00

Go to a gym and turn that bitterness into muscle.

cast-away-ramadi06 · 2020-11-02T18:00:38+00:00

if anybody here was a victim of childhood bullying?

No, I was the guy who went and started picking on the bullies. I still have friends to this day because I stood up for them when nobody else would. Did I get my ass beat? Once or twice, yes. Most of the times, if it did escalate to a fight, then I was able to hand myself just fine because of my experience in combatives (wrestling, samba, bjj, etc). Usually it didn't escalate to a physical confrontation because 1) I went to a rural school and everyone knows who not to fuck with, and 2) I had some witty smack talking skills for a redneck.

Knowing what I know now, I would have tried to be nicer to the bullies because they're usually that way for a reason.

My advice is to find that inner peace and confidence. You only get that for setting incrementally harder goals and achieving them. I would advise some physical fitness, mental, and emotional, and spiritual goals.

Covid-19 has gotten me into a huge rut since a lot of my physical goals are rekated to conbativies like BJJ and the like :/

XGHOW · 2020-11-02T22:43:49+00:00

Sorry I don’t have time for a longer answer, but you are in the right place, and great that you are looking for solutions. I highly recommend taking up a martial art, it will do wonders for this affliction; speaking from personal al experience. Best of luck man

Thebropill · 2020-11-02T14:07:24+00:00

I would not say i was bullied specifically but i had my fair share of shit at school. Taught we to stand up for my self a grow a thicker skin.

MyLittlePonyofDoom · 2020-11-02T21:23:49+00:00

They tried but I never yielded an inch. I think this attitude goes a long way to explaining how I’m a more resilient individual and why I don’t wilt in rage when a transgender Jewish feminist stalininst posts smack on twitter

__Vandetta__ · 2020-11-03T01:14:17+00:00

I was a victim of Childhood abuse by a woman. Bashed and used to manipulate my dad. I'm 18 now but have developed a mental way to forgive people.

My method is to metaphorically kill them in my mind and In the process accept myself forgiving them. This has allowed me to forgive my enemies not for them, but for myself. I'd say it's a form of meditation and creative focus.

It does take a while however and you do have to create your version of the perfect way to get your justice in your head. Every time, I've used a medievil long sword for example.

I find that hating people really does hold me back because I used to obsess over it.

The above method is weird but for me it works.

TheGreenManJ · 2020-11-03T03:15:26+00:00

Thanks for the advice guys, I truly appreciate it

glass_tumbler · 2020-11-03T04:21:23+00:00

you should join a BJJ gym it's really the best experience

you'll not only learn self-defense but you'll understand that nobody will ever be able to mess with you ever again

it'll help you bury the hatchet on your past, and it's a tremendous investment to your well-being

malerevolution · 2020-11-03T04:59:21+00:00

I was bullied when I was growing up too. I had rage for many years too. I could never figure out what I did to deserve it. I was so glad when I finally graduated and was finally rid of those people.

Eumemoriginal · 2020-11-03T18:59:16+00:00

i think you should go to a gym and try to destroy your anger there by punching things, or you can play some videogames, that might help out your anger, videogames can be very relaxing, i recommend minecraft, journey, brawlhalla, doom and spiral knights, but any game works (as long as it's not dark souls), hope it helps :)

Title	Haunted by my past
Author	TheGreenManJ
Upvotes	1
Comments	20
Date	November 2, 2020 12:51 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MGTOW2
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MGTOW2/comments/jmmuih/haunted_by_my_past/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MGTOW2/haunted-by-my-past.804496 https://theredarchive.com/post/804496

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