Reading Material

CertainCrow1 · 2020-07-21T18:47:10+00:00

Halfway through when I saw the url for shitty husband's I thought this was gonna be about how it's always the guys fault for not bending over backwards. I was wrong..seems to be doubling down on it. Don't get me wrong... Listening carefully, doing special things and that can elevate a husband from being a decent one who just doesn't get into trouble and a better one .. but these posts about how I was a shitty husband almost always come across as self depreciating and seems to imply you have to constantly entertain your wife like she's a child. I don't think I've ever heard about any books where the shoe was on the other foot and the wife was saying she didn't consider how he just wanted to get together worh the boys from time to time and maybe she should have them over and make food for all of them.. or maybe she should take interest in his gaming.. etc.

Imo Disney and hollywood perpetuates romance and excitement and that routine or safe is boring or bad. I actually think being a decent human being and reliable does make you a good spouse and that routine isn't a bad thing. Especially if children are involved. They need structure and routine. The thrill seekers are the ones that cheat or think they must have found the wrong person because it's not constant butterflies like in the movies. This smells similar. I'll tell you the exciting ones usually don't make for good long term partners.. but sure spicing things up time to time doesn't hurt. Just saying stable, decent people usually aren't the exciting ones and we shouldn't think routine is bad. It actually comes across as women saying theyre done with bad boys and just want a nice guy but don't desire him sexually like the bad boy.

I dunno.. society seems to have this mindset of so many wives are neglected or under appreciated but it never seems like a husband is allowed to be either of those things and that husbands shouldn't expect similar nice gestures from time to time.

2020-07-21T19:17:07+00:00

Yeah, I've seen that and internalized some of it as well. It's not totally bullshit but at the same time it also absolves the other party a little too much in my opinion. My STBX has narcissistic tendencies and won't put herself in my shoes much. (To be fair, I felt in our mediation session last night she was more reasonable than she has been to date).

Couple that with the 'shitty husband' theory and that's lame.

Here's the thing, I want's a shitty husband. I worked from home for the last 10 years. I have been home to cook and help with the day to day work with our children and household and DID - not perfectly but I did. I just didn't do it well enough for her and she resented and resents not getting things the way she exactly wanted them. So she had an affair. Fuck that. That is absolutely not my fault.

Snoo-43075 · 2020-07-21T19:56:38+00:00

I do identify with the shitty husband blog to a certain extent: I certainly was a shitty husband for not meeting my wife's needs. It's not like she didn't let me know, but I never realized the severity or risk of not addressing them. I was in the routine, and I thinking about myself. I suppose we looked at our vows differently, which looking back makes since because we are two different people.

As identified by the blog, my lack of addressing the issues brought the slow internal resentment which is impossible to reverse even if it is recognized and changes are made - simply too little too late.

So I am separated, and I have been reading a lot. The best two I've read so far are:

Taking Space: How To Use Separation To Explore The Future Of Your Relationship

Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

I tried No More Mr., but it also didn't resonate with me.

Contemplating divorce has a section on defining your own needs. As part of being a shitty husband and operating simply on a routine, after introspection I definitely know that I have lost myself and did not take into account my needs. Right now I am going through the process of redefining (or rediscovering) what my needs are and what I want from a new relationship. It's scary but liberating to have reached this point in working on myself.

Lemon-law · 2020-07-21T21:48:35+00:00

I read through the shitty husband post and don’t agree. Maybe because I wasn’t that guy and I was the one that left. I would say that my STBX was a shitty wife.

That said I am reading “no more mr nice guy” and some of it resonates with me, some doesn’t. I am trying to make some changes that are pointed out to me. That said, it hasn’t been long enough yet to see if it’s working.

dday_throwaway3 · 2020-07-21T18:57:15+00:00

No More Mr. Nice Guy is required reading for every man in or considering divorce.

Most of the divorce books out there are completely shit. I've read about 20 of them. There's one that was released this year which is eye-opening if you're not familiar with the gynocentric family law system: The Judicial War on Men. I'm about halfway through and I consider it to be a must-read.

Also required reading: The Rational Male. Understanding female behavior is essential not only during the divorce process, but during the reconstruction afterwards. Hypergamy and solipsism were absent from my vocabulary before divorce. Understanding the breadth and depth of those two terms was mindblowing.

Title	Reading Material
Author	Facers70
Upvotes	1
Comments	12
Date	July 21, 2020 6:29 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/hvcvje/reading_material/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/reading-material.818040 https://theredarchive.com/post/818040

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