Could I actually get Custody?

Bognin · 2018-12-04T03:07:15+00:00

In short, yes there is hope. In my case, I've been able to get custody from my X after a 8 months of difficulty. The key to success in this situation is to appear to be the reasonable one, and do whatever you can to create contrast between yourself and her.

Things have steadily degraded between the ex and I since the divorce. I have not been allowed to seen the older 2 kids since October, and now I am slowly being pushed out of my kids lives.

Are you separated or divorced? Have you had any custody or access hearing at all? Is there an order in place? What jurisdiction are you in?

I was removed from phone and email contact lists from my first graders school, have not received any information from the ex regarding her schooling or extra curricular club activity, and since I am not allowed to see the older kids I am not allowed to attend the extra curricular activities that all of the kids participate in.

What do you mean "Not allowed" do you have any paper or electronic evidence that she has prevented you from seeing the children. Is she telling the children they are not allowed to see you? If so that is super stupid of her and will come back to bite her.

I am concerned that all of this, as well as some threats about 'changing the parent plan when she moves' point to her wanting to move out of the area/school district, possibly the state. Basically, she wants my impact on the kids lives to appear minimal, so the court doesn't see a strong connection between me and my kids.

This is a very bad plan on her part. She will anger the judge.

How did you arrive at a parenting plan without a lawyer?

The mother is not allowed to move away from you too far without full custody or a court written travel order.

I am trying to prepare for this fight as best I can, but don't really know what effort will help or just be a waste of time.

What do you want? How much conflict is there between you two? Are you planning on making an application for custody?

A coworker suggested Affidavits from friends, coworkers, community members, coaches, neighbors, etc. I am getting a list of people together to ask for help. However, what else is the court going to be looking at? What kind of documentation could I bring to support that the kids would be happier here?

Report Cards, school attendance records, the Kids opinion about it matters a lot. If the mother is coaching the kids disparaging you, you have to put a stop to that ASAP.

The ex is diagnosed bi-polar, and has refused any and all treatment. She has even posted this on social media. Can this help my case? Or will the court only look at behaviors and specific actions, not the diagnosis of the mental health condition itself?

If she is diagnosed, hell yea that's helpful to you. The court will be trying to put the kids in the most stable home and they will move the kids to you if she does crazy things in court. This is really your trump card, you must get your hands on that diagnosis, or some documentation about it. Screenshot those social media posts PRONTO! No judge will give a bipolar mother full custody, which means that if she moves away, the court will order that the kids will reside with you.

I would really like to file for custody when she files to move. How would I prove I am a more loving, nurturing, patient, attentive parent? Has anyone been successful in taking custody in a similar situation?

Yes, I am winning custody from the mother right now.

It's largely about the preferences of the children if they are mature. I'm not sure what happens in your jurisdiction, but in mine (Ontario) there is OCL ( Office of the Children's Lawyer) If there is conflict between the parents, and some mental health concerns, they interview the children, teachers, grandparents, and make a recommendation to the parents and the court where custody should lie. If there is conflict, they will not recommend Joint custody which is all about decision making, but they will suggest joint access, so that both parents have time.

I have no funds available to secure a lawyer right now, although I am working to change that. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to proceed when you are broke?

I worked with a "Legal Coach" who is a step down from a lawyer but is good at preparing briefs, affidavits, etc. I started out with a high priced lawyer, but she was just out for herself, I decided to rep myself but have a consultant that I speak with for an hour (a half dozen 10 minute conversations) per month. To prepare a conference is about $1000, to prep a motion about $4000. This compared to $5k for a conference and $10k for a motion with a full lawyer. And often times I am able to manage things and pay nothing.

To start your application, start writing down FACTS. Not opinions or observations, only write FACTS that you have paper verification of, this will be the beginnings of your Affidavit and application for custody.

For those who have had or have been accused of having alcohol/drug issues...

Would it be beneficial for me to start getting urine tests done on a regular basis? I think that if I time the tests correctly, I could show that I have been stone sober for several months before any of this goes to court. I know she will attack me for 'alcoholism' when in court, even though I just drank to avoid dealing with her, lol. I stopped drinking almost completely, as soon as we separated.

If you see that as an attack that's coming, may as well get ahead of it and create some paperwork trail of evidence that you are working on yourself. Clean tests will help, so will come counseling. Courts will not really care about accusations of any kind, they will ONLY look at arrests, convictions, evictions orders, Chilrens' Aid recommendations etc.

***

Lots' of questions about your situation there, I'll fill you in on what worked for me when dealing with a crazy bipolar x.

In a nutshell, when dealing with a crazy person in court, the #1 thing to do is to let her act crazy, let her act out, let her do all the nutty stuff she thinks she is entitled to do, don't ever argue with her again just let her say crazy things and record or transcribe it. Don't inform her of how bad this will go for her, just let her, and do it in a way that can be documented. By contrast, you will do everything on time, be honest, courteous, reasonable and relentless about this. Have complete faith that the court system will recognize and be disgusted by her shitty behaviour. They wont act shocked, they will act professional, their disgust will be made clear in the decisions they make.

Women are under the assumption that they are invincible in court, let her go on thinking this, because it's not at all true, especially when that person is throwing up RED FLAGS regarding their mental stability. When social workers, judges and lawyers see those red flags, they work harder on the case and start making the mother jump through some legal hoops, set deadlines for her to meet regarding financial statements or the like, she may blow past those and make up crazy stories as to why.

But #1 Most important thing, above all... When you spend time with the kids, make it really awesome times. It's not about spoiling them with nice things, but really giving them your attention and your presence. Keep your phone away, don't waste an opportunity to be 100% present, dependable, reliable and stable for them. They will quickly clue into the fact that you are stable and the mother is crazy. They will look to you for stability and start to cling to you. The children may be interviewed and asked to choose who to live with at some point, make sure that by then they know you are the best dad on earth and you will be rewarded. As the kids get older, their opinions will matter more and more. Make sure they know you love them unconditionally and will be there for them regardless.

j_smith987 · 2018-12-04T02:17:02+00:00

The lessons that I have learnt after losing my kids are 1. If you have kids visitation spelled out in your divorce agreement, enforce it. I.e. if it says that u get kids on weekends, u send her a text that u r picking kids up. If she refuses or says that the kids are refusing, go to the local police station with your agreement and ask their help in enforcing it. Don't let any week pass. Your kids will be alienated. If kids are already alienated, try meeting at public places. Take a lot of pictures, videos with u in them also. Bring cake, sweets celebrate ur kids good grades, take them to birthdays, activities, libraries & take a lot of pictures. Take pictures of them eating breakfast, lunch & dinner. Before you drop them, take a video in a way that says the kids were comfortable & happy staying with you. 2. Assume every phone call u make to ur ex or kids might be recorded. Control your emotions! 3. Never discuss anything bad about ur ex with the kids. 4. Even if you pay child support, it is ok to spend on kids for clothes, shoes etc. It should be the custodial parent's responsibility. 5. Enroll your kids in activities while they visit you. 6. If you can talk to their teachers, counselor, do that. Keep a very friendly relationship with teachers, counselors, doctors. 7. Stay in touch with old neighbors

SkeptiCynical · 2018-12-10T15:28:38+00:00

Read sidebar.

If your divorce is complete, you already have parenting time, child support and extracurricular stuff sorted out. Medical, religious and educational decisions have to be laid out before a judge will sign a divorce when kids are involved. Your additional time with your kids should be implicit.

Don't bother with urine tests. Nobody will care and it's a red herring. Alcoholism is not a crime. Being drunk is not a crime. The court doesn't care and the lawyers couldn't do anything if they wanted to -- and they don't. It's a distractionary tactic lawyers use to drag out proceedings. I'd bet a gigantic majority of judges and lawyers drink heavily when not in session.

There are no "gotcha" moments before, during or after a divorce that will change custody arrangements unless the children are in real physical danger or their mother is committed or incarcerated. Stick to your agreement and be the best dad you can be in that time.

Look through your divorce agreement. Unless it specifically gives her free reign to move out of the county /state with the children, you can file an injunction with family court to prevent her from moving the kids away from you.

Title	Could I actually get Custody?
Author	DivorcedRedditUser
Upvotes	7
Comments	4
Date	December 3, 2018 8:47 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/a2ssxa/could_i_actually_get_custody/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/could-i-actually-get-custody.819909 https://theredarchive.com/post/819909

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