How to "femininely disagree" with your S.O./husband?

Bakerofpie · 2014-04-08T04:55:35+00:00

When discussing with anyone I try to use it as an opportunity to understand someone else's point of view. We sometimes have debates where we disagree on a topic, but it never gets heated because we are listening to each other, and if one of us makes a good point that the other hasn't thought of we will acknowledge it. It's an opportunity to learn together. If it's a subject that gets you really riled up and makes you angry it's probably best to avoid it entirely unless it directly affects your relationship.

I would suggest next time something like this comes up, you ask him questions about his view in a non-confrontational way. Something like "I hadn't considered that point before. What made you think of that?" Try to be genuinely engaged in what he is saying and listen to him for awhile. I assume you wouldn't be with someone who you didn't feel knows what they are talking about, so ask him questions with the underlying assumption that he knows what he's talking about and has already done the research and carefully considered his view. Refrain from offering a rebuttal for awhile until you've learned mindful listening. Letting disagreements go every once in awhile is not going to rob you of your identity.

Try not to play devil's advocate if he isn't someone who enjoys those sorts of conversations. It is going to come across as disrespectful no matter how you present it. Remember, disagreements are an opportunity to learn and understand each other, bringing you closer. Playing devil's advocate does nothing to accomplish this.

buttholette · 2014-04-08T16:40:42+00:00

I've never had a problem expressing a different opinion to my SO...which may have something to do with the fact that I don't it turn into a power struggle or a competition (I'm not trying to assert control or undermine his authority). We're adults. I listen to what his view is, make sure I understand where he's coming from. He knows I'm not trying to say that his opinion is wrong when I express a different view so he evaluates my views with logic to determine their validity.

It's important to be mindful of how you say things to your SO (and people in general). Do you interrupt or cut off their thoughts? Do you have an aggressive (or condescending tone) when you state a different opinion? Are your opinions based on observations or feelings?

You are trying to create a new dynamic, which means everything is going to be a bit choppy and turbulent. He'll probably be more assertive because he's trying to take on a leadership role - and there are lots of behaviors that can undermine his ability to take charge. He has to be watchful of how how he acts and simultaneously figure out what's driving your actions/words (is she trying to take control? Is this a shit test? etc).

A man that knows he's the leader of the relationship won't react disproportionately to his SO's behavior/words for three reasons:

She consistently (and enthusiastically) acknowledges his leadership in various ways (she is respectful, supportive, affectionate, giving etc)
She listens to his criticism with an open mind, remains calm, and resolves the issue(s) in question
She is respectful (of him) in front of other people as well as privately. If/when outsiders try to negatively influence her behavior, she remains in control and doesn't take the bait. When a Captain sees his First Mate conduct herself properly in a social setting - he knows that her loyalty to him is more important than winning points with friends.

Differing opinions aren't a problem so long as you don't allow them to negatively affect the way you treat him.

buttholette · 2014-04-08T09:17:06+00:00

So glad you posted this! My man always accuses me of being the devil's advocate. For me, I just like to consider all the options and look at things from different perspectives, it's alway's been strength of mine but I can see how it can be a weakness too. He takes it as me being confrontational and not trusting him.

I like your point about spending more time validating him. And I want to be a better listener too. A lot of it is probably also learning how to pick and choose one's battles. If I only push my point on things that are really important to me then he will be more likely to consider my opinion.

valleycupcake · 2014-04-08T20:23:58+00:00

I am trained in a profession that values argumentative skill, and I love a rational debate, so this is taking some time to learn. But what I have found is that I listen so much better if I'm not formulating the next thing to say. And a man can sense disrespect, which is what he feels if you're not listening. So I listen. And ask questions to clarify and flesh out his position. Eventually, he will have finished making his point and he'll ask "So what do you think, am I right or wrong?" At that point, I answer truthfully but tactfully. Since I was actually listening the whole time, I can incorporate some of what he said into my answer.

wendy-fly · 2014-04-08T15:29:58+00:00

I think most people become frustrated in a conversation when he or she doesn't feel heard or like you aren't listening. Most conversations turn into arguments when one or both people aren't feeling heard and even difficult topics can be discussed without fighting if both people are feeling heard and understood. If your husband is getting frustrated it may be because you either aren't listening or you aren't showing that you are listening. Bakerofpie hit on this perfectly. If you are usually playing devil's advocate, you aren't really listening, you are thinking of rebuttals instead of hearing him. Instead of acting as if he is probably wrong, act as if he is probably right and instead of verifying his wrongness, verify his rightness. If he is making a bad decision, that will come to light in the discussion. If you are struggling with how to not come across as argumentative, you can always reframe what he just said. If he said, "I think we should refinance the house because the mortgage rates are lower now and we can reduce our monthly payments, but I'm not sure if that'll be the best in the long run", you can say "so you're worried that refinancing might help us now but get us in trouble in the future?". That will help him feel that you are listening and thinking about what he said instead of thinking about what you are going to stay to rebut him.

buttholette · 2014-04-08T23:37:20+00:00

The major issue is how you frame your opinion and how well you listen to him. No two people are exactly alike, so there will be some occasional disagreement. Now, if you don't agree of important aspects of life, you're bound to have some serious issues. That should mean some reevaluation, if necessary.

How you frame your opinion:

As others have said, don't make it into a power struggle or be confrontational. Instead, you should frame it as if it's more of a suggestion or adding extra information he may not have rather than going for an "I'm right, you're wrong" strategy. He'll be more inclined to listen to you if you aren't trying to fight him rather than be helpful.

You should also keep a pleasant tone. Don't sound angry or upset when you disagree. If you feel yourself getting too emotional over the disagreement, feel free to step away from the situation for a moment to regain control of yourself so you don't escalate the situation into a full-blown fight.

In the end, if neither of you is budging (which can happen), you should still be supportive of his side to some degree, even if you don't agree with it. A man who's firm in his beliefs and won't switch them just to make you happy is a good man. If he is honestly swayed by your evidence, then that's alright.

Listen to him:

You should always listen to what your man has to say, even if you disagree. If you don't listen to him, he won't listen to you either, leading to a confrontational, nonproductive battle. Make sure you let him know you're listening verbally and physically, too. Don't just rebut everything he says as that kind of attitude will get you nowhere in a discussion. As the others have said, sometimes repeating things back to him lets him know you actually heard him and weren't just trying to come up with things to oppose him with.

You also said you don't validate him enough when he is talking. By doing that, you show you don't value his opinion. As with listening, if you don't value his opinion, he won't value yours either. These kinds of things are important to keep discussions civil and keep them from escalating into unnecessary fights that can lead to harsh feelings.

[deleted] · 2014-04-09T05:39:09+00:00

[permanently deleted]

buttholette · 2014-04-08T13:44:06+00:00

when you take the other side in an argument with a man he perceives it as disloyalty and you siding with the "enemy". do you want to be mystique or starscream? he wants a united front with a partner he can TRUST.

How to "femininely disagree" with your S.O./husband?

Comments

1) I feel I am conscientiously, slowly but steadily improving in that area. Always room for improvement of course.

2) Vast improvements there from roughly a year ago, I feel that department is going OK. Again, always room for improvement.

3) Another vast improvement over the old me; but this one I worry that I am still falling very short on. It's hard for me to tell when talking to husby because he is still hurting and reeling from my old patterns. It's impossible to forget the past, even though we try to move on from it.

Title	How to "femininely disagree" with your S.O./husband?
Author	buttholette
Upvotes	7
Comments	26
Date	April 8, 2014 4:31 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/22hpfp/how_to_femininely_disagree_with_your_sohusband/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-femininely-disagree-with-your-sohusband.84389 https://theredarchive.com/post/84389