Hello everybody

I am a long-time lurker, first time poster.

My husband (33M) and I (28F) have been having some serious problems lately. I have posted about them in r/relationships, but after having a long think about things, I think there are some further considerations that need to be resolved and addressed.

To give a quick summary - my husband and I met at work, we had a very passionate dating period and he was very much in love with me. I put him through the ringer a little bit, making him jealous and making him "prove himself" to me. When we finally settled and started to live together, he had a very depressing job he hated and had very much checked out of it mentally. Instead of being encouraging and supportive, I got very frustrated and really criticised him for not moving or finding a solution, which led him to having serious issues with me providing any 'feedback'. I grew up in a family where there was really no supportive language, you got better by being criticised and being told to "be better". I realise how idiotic this is now, but it has done some damage to our relationship.

What is the problem? (Neutral phrasing: use words like "we," and "our" so that you aren't trying to off-load problems at your SO's feet when there's actually plenty of blame to go around)

We moved to the UK 6 months ago, and my SO found an amazing job. This is probably the best paying and most rewarding role he has had and he is very happy and I am very happy for him. The hours are very long and he has a new group of friends with whom he socialises, so I rarely get to see him. I have not nagged or criticised him for this at all, and have basically shut my trap re: any work 'feedback'. I don't have any problems with him working long hours and don't demand him coming home.

On the other hand, I have struggled to make friends, have very bad anxiety issues, am in a very demanding degree programme and feel very isolated. This has led me to not being as supportive or as much of a "partner" and much more of a dependent. I have not given him the adult, woman support he needs. In some ways, I have been scared to burden him with my anxiety issues (I have started to self-harm and have had panic attacks), so I haven't said anything until now. Instead, when he comes home, he has cooked his own dinner and I have just acted in a child like (idiotic) cutsey manner trying to get his attention. It has led to a vicious circle where I ask him stupid things like "can you give me a glass of water" just to interact with him, instead of talking about anything substantial because I don't want to add to his plate (I recognise this is deeply flawed and have stopped doing this ASAP).

The problem is that my behaviour, including not really being available for sex, has meant he has cracked and has really isolated himself. It has gotten to the point where over the past two weeks he has said the D word. Things have calmed down now, and we are going to marriage therapy (but I am not sure if this is a good idea). I know what I need to change and I have started doing it immediately - I cook, I am welcoming and womanly when he gets home etc. but I am scared that we won't make it (although he is becoming happier and more affectionate, and things seem to be normalising).

What are your faults? How have you contributed to the creation of these issues?

I have anger issues which he doesnt like (I snap and overreact to small problems, although generally with bigger issues I remain calm). I can be very harsh and critical, and my husband has said no one in his life has ever talked to him the way I have. I am actively working on this and he has commented that I am improving.

I did not understand how important sex is to him. He has said that instead of seeing a wife, he sees a dependent child. We had a lot of sex when we first got together, but over the past year or so its really wittled down to 1x a month if we are lucky. It is bad.

I have relied on him for my own happiness, instead of trying to make myself happy first. I have left all my friends and hobbies back home and have felt really lonely and overwhelmed, and haven't dealt with this properly.

The problem is that now my husband has said he doesn't really see me in a sexual light. He says I am still the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, but I am not sure how to rectify our sex situation. I would like to show him that I am a woman who does desperately want to be intimate with him.

I have begun individual counselling to help with anxiety and self harm issues.

tl;dr Difficult period over the past 6 months, with move to new country and SO getting a new, exciting job that has resulted in me feeling isolated, us not connecting or having sex. My behaviour has caused him to see me as a dependent child rather than his partner and support system; I have been really bad re: sex and now he doesn't seem to want to have sex with me anymore.

I need help with how to improve myself, and how to salvage our intimate relationship. Also any advice on dealing with his long hours and how to be supportive to him. Please help.