How do I bring my boyfriend a problem?

MsSadieDunham · 2016-07-14T17:28:15+00:00

If your boyfriend has hurt your feelings, it's easy to bring him this problem in the simile fashion as any other problem. You just say, nicely and non-accusatory, "it hurt my feelings/bothered me when you said/did x," and let him fix it.

The key to not nagging is that once you bring him a problem, you drop it. Many girls come here and say, "I brought him this problem and he did nothing!" Well, doing nothing is also a way of doing something, isn't it? Perhaps you brought him a problem he deems a non-issue. He decided he's not going to deal with it. Just because you don't like his response or answer is not a reason to keep bringing up a problem. That is when it turns to nagging. You're always allowed to give your opinion on a matter as it pertains to your relationship or affects the two of you directly, but not when it comes to choices he makes in his personal life. There is a difference. For instance, if your boyfriend wants to change jobs but you don't think it's a good idea for whatever reason, it's better to not say anything unless he asks you for your opinion. However if he is changing jobs to a job that moves him two hours away from you and suddenly y'all are in a long term relationship, that's different and your opinion definitely needs to be heard. Does that make sense?

ColdEiric · 2016-07-14T18:42:46+00:00

Also how to do it so its not nagging him, especially if its something really upsetting to me. Also how much can i advise and suggest things to him? or do i just keep quiet?

Say what is bothering you, making you unhappy once. Only once.

Don't weaponize your complaint. If you don't like him or how he is on a daily basis, you ought to leave, not complain. Talk about how you dislike this specific, ungentlemanly behavior, not about how you dislike the man. Don't hate the man, but hate the action. Look for his attempts at changing this behavior to the better. Just talk about and pay attention to the deeds.

Mention it once. The second time you do it, it turns to nagging. If he is busy slaying dragons for his own sake and for his girlfriend's sake, and is currently unavailable to help her with her discomfort, then her being slightly uncomfortable has lower priority to the daily practice of dragon-slaying.

FleetingWish · 2016-07-14T17:31:18+00:00

It is hard to give tips without a direct example, but the general idea is you want to focus on how you feel, rather than what he needs to do about it.

For example, if you feel like he doesn't text you enough throughout the day, ask yourself why you want him to text you more often. It is okay to say, "When you don't text me it makes me sad because I miss you when you are not around".

See, the problem here not about the texting, it's about wanting to feel loved, and missing him. Then your captain can decide on the appropriate course of action, which may or may not take the form of texting more often. He could call more often, schedule more time to be with you, etc. The key is to not tell him what he needs to do to solve the problem (in this case, telling him he needs to text you more often). Let him take the initiative to solve the problem.

rproller · 2016-07-14T17:41:32+00:00

If it's actually worth bringing to his attention, just tell him how you feel during $Situation, without judging his actions/inactions.

Example:

"I get upset when you pull your phone out on our date nights."

When you do this, you're bringing him the problem (i.e., you're not feeling happy). This gives him a chance to fix it without feeling attacked because you're focusing on your emotions. There's a good chance he doesn't know that it's bothering you that much.

[deleted] · 2016-07-14T17:51:37+00:00

While it's easy to focus on the process of bringing him your problem and not your solution, when the issue is particularly emotional, I think it's probably better to focus on the reasoning behind why you should bring him your problem and let him solve it.

In particular: You've chosen this man because you trust him with important things, so go trust him with important things.

What I mean by this is that you need to go trust him to handle this by bringing it up to him with your problem and let him handle it the way he wants to handle it. If you focus on this trust aspect of the situation and having faith in him to handle it how it needs to be handled (as opposed to however you feel it should be handled), then it'll make it much easier to remain emotionally stable without getting detached from him in the process.

I hope that makes sense. Good luck.

GlamGemini · 2016-07-14T19:40:13+00:00

Also, a one I have difficulty with, if he is ill, how do I handle that? Do i offer sympathy? I'm worried about going overboard and acting like his mother. Or do I let him know he's capable of handling himself?

GlamGemini · 2016-07-14T17:50:16+00:00

I find I can bring him the problem and he will offer solutions as to how we can solve it, or he will say I'll sort it out. I seem to come into difficulty when its something really delicate, like how his mother treats him. I understand that him and his mothers relationship is nothing to do with me, and its up to him how he handles that. However I feel upset when it affects me and our relationship, and i know what its about, that I want to feel like our relationship is important to him, and that I'm the number one woman to him. How do you handle something like that?

GlamGemini · 2016-07-14T18:38:56+00:00

Nope, he hasn't given me reason to think that its not. I never interfere in anything with him and his mother, I respectfully sit back. I know that its a good thing that he loves his mother so much and that they seem to have a good relationship. I do suspect that he tells her everything about our relationship though, when i'm quite a private person.

Can you elaborate on why its unreasonable for me to expect that right now? I'm really struggling with this one :( its not something i've come across before in any of my relationships.

GlamGemini · 2016-07-14T19:35:43+00:00

We have been dating for just over a year :) Oh i never come between them and am very respectful of her. She and I are very different, I'm much quieter and gentler and softer. She seems very much in her masculine energy. I worry about him being a mama's boy, as she does seem to have a lot of say, even picking out things for his home. He does put her in her place quite a bit, which is a good sign of course :) Obviously I understand they have been relating this way for a long long time before I came along. He tells me its refreshing that I am so different from her and I see that he feels he can be his true masculine self around me :)

Title	How do I bring my boyfriend a problem?
Author	GlamGemini
Upvotes	4
Comments	18
Date	July 14, 2016 5:12 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/4sudq9/how_do_i_bring_my_boyfriend_a_problem/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-i-bring-my-boyfriend-a-problem.86295 https://theredarchive.com/post/86295

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