Ashamed of my past

testmypatience · 2017-02-28T03:57:28+00:00

I'd want to know if you are persistently working on keeping your condition under control. If you can't keep it under control then it is a guaranteed bad outcome for anyone you date.

By under control I mean working with a therapist, have read as many useful books as you could find, on medication and intend to stay on it, etc.

Source: Was engaged to a woman with PTSD that decided to stop taking meds, not go back to therapy to get things under control, and didn't read any of the books we bought to help her cope and deal with her condition. It ended HORRIBLY because of this.

Jayms · 2017-02-28T13:52:40+00:00

If you are really honest with yourself and this was beyond your control due to brain chemistry, then there's nothing to feel ashamed of. You may regret it, but beating yourself up won't help. Instead, channel that energy into getting healthy and staying that way.

As for bringing it up with a future partner, you don't have to worry about that until you actually meet someone, so don't waste energy on that. I don't advocate lying, but at the same time, I don't see the benefit to sharing everything about your past no matter who you are. I don't think men like thinking about their girlfriend with other men, regardless of the number. If it does come up, explain your condition and leave it at that, no need to go into intimate details.

Fancy_Bits · 2017-02-28T17:13:27+00:00

Hi!

I have bipolar II. Not the same as BP I, but I do have rapid cycling. Before I got stable on my mood stabilizers, I would cycle every 7-10 days. My cycle would be -

3-4 days of hypomania

2-3 days of depression

1-3 days of normal

and then I would start again. It always followed that cycle - hypomania followed by the crash from mania + depression. It was absolutely brutal. I wasn't diagnosed bipolar until I was 28, and by that time I had been cycling for so long it had allowed the rapid cycling to set in and escalate enough to reach that frequency.

Part of my hypomania is hypersexuality. I sought a lot of more wild experiences like you did, both sexual and otherwise. Meeting a guy a couple hours after messaging him on OKC for a wild motorcycle ride followed by outdoor sex, that sort of thing. Feeling invincible and living for hedonism for days at a time. I honestly don't know my n-count (to me and my partners it doesn't matter) but I know being bipolar has made it a lot higher than it would be otherwise.

Like you, I fortunately escaped any STIs, although I didn't escape without a lot of physical and psychological trauma before I finally got stable on my meds. I'm so glad you have your diagnosis, and as a caution - this is a rough road.

This is the advice I have both in regards to relationship and in general:

1) Get on mood stabilizers. Bipolar is a complex illness and its very, very rare for it to be managed with a single medication. Most of the time you need at least a couple - one to manage the mania and one to manage the depression. I'm on four, but they in combination work very very well. Topamax (topirimate) is the only medication that has ever touched my mania. It has some cognitive side effects (it is known as the supermodel drug because it makes you skinny and dumb, although for me the cognitive side effects diminished over time). Lamictal (lamotrigine) has stopped my depressive phase entirely. I take luvox (fluvoxamine, a sister of prozac) as well, and Neurontin (gabapentin) which is helpful as an adjunct to mood stabilizers and works well to control my anxiety.

Not everyone needs the same amount of medications. I'm on the higher end in part because I also have anxiety. I am likely going to try and wean off the luvox in the future as well with the thought that the Lamictal may be providing the same effect that the luvox is (I started the luvox years ago before I was diagnosed with bipolar.)

Some mood stabilizers (a lot of them) can cause weight gain, so be very aware of what you are taking. It can take a few tries to figure out what works and what doesn't.

It is incredibly important to stay on mood stabilizers permanently. Bipolar is a lifelong illness and the only way to handle it is to treat it on an ongoing basis.

2) Therapy really helps. It isn't all about meds. It's also about learning skills to deal with the bipolar, because sometimes meds can't prevent the full phase from happening, or the side effects are too strong and you will take a smaller dose and just deal with part of the phase. Learning skills like mindfullness, DBT, and just being able to talk through the diagnosis and aspects of it are very helpful.

3) You may mourn the loss of mania. I did. I hate the irritable hypomania, but the happy/creative/energized mania? I miss it, a lot. To the point where sometimes I am tempted. Not so much anymore, but especially at first. Let's be realistic - Mania is friggin awesome while it lasts. The crash is TERRIBLE. After my ex-husband and I separated I cycled for 3 weeks straight - and when I went from the hypomania to the depression I would sleep for 2-3 days on the couch, only getting up to pee or feed my animals - until the hypomania started again and then I was off. But the mania part? Talk about the best drug.

So be prepared to mourn it, and it's ok to mourn it. Mourning it doesn't mean you're going to go off your meds, that you're going to give in and stop so you can go back to experiencing your cycles. But you can acknowledge any positive feelings about mania and any sense of loss you feel with it.

4) The best way to handle being bipolar is to show by example. I generally don't bring up I'm bipolar until the 3rd or 4th date, unless the guy I'm seeing brings up mental health earlier on. I don't wear it on my sleeve, I don't use it to justify anything, and I don't consider myself a victim or that my bipolar is in control of me.

I am very careful about taking my meds and keeping my appointments. I demonstrate that I have my bipolar under control. Words don't mean anything in this case, but showing I am calm, thoughtful, and as close to RPW as I can does.

5) If you are cycling, tell your partner. It doesn't excuse your actions, but its good to let them know. Let them know what you need, but also try and make those needs something you can meet yourself for the most part.

For instance, when I'm irritable-hypomanic, I wil say "hey, I'm in my manic phase and I'm super pissy. I'm going to be pretty quiet and withdrawn because I am getting irritable over nothing and I don't want to take it out on anyone so I'm going to stay internal until it passes."

If I lash out, I always take responsibility for it - not my mania. I may say "Hey, I'm so sorry for what I said/did. I was manic, but that doesn't at all excuse it. Please forgive me, I didn't mean it, I was such an asshole. I love you and I'm so sorry." The mania helps explain why I did something out of carrier, but the responsibility is always, ALWAYS mine.

If I'm in a depressive phase, I will say "I'm in a down phase. I'm really tired, and sad, and if I start crying or seem really upset that is why - it isn't anything you did or something going on besides that. I also need some quiet time to just be depressed and sleep."

I also make agreements with myself in depressive phases. I know there are things I have to do - work, take care of my partner, and take care of my animals. So I have a list of those things I HAVE to do. Other stuff that can wait the few days till my down phase passes - like folding laundry, tidying up, paying that bill - I will let sit. Once I have done the things I HAVE to do that day, the rest of the day is "depression time." I get to go do whatever I want, including laying in bed, crying, sleeping, wallowing in my depression. It sounds silly, but after I have done the tasks I have to do I have "earned" my right to indulge in my depression. It is how I balance things out so I don't let the depression control me completely. Otherwise, trying to be fully functional while I'm deeply depressed or feeling suicidal is just too much and I can end up overwhelmed and not doing anything.

6) Suicidal thoughts can be terrifying, but thoughts are not actions. Sometimes it can even be helpful to just let them run. To think about it, even fantasize. It is not ok to plan, to set dates, to get objects that you could use. But sometimes just acknowleding that you're deeply sad and suicidal and tired can be enough, to take a break from the endless having to be positive, can be restorative.

It is also very helpful to have a support network - even one or two people who you can reach out and say "hey, I'm not going to do anything, but I'm feeling really low and suicidal and I just need to express it and tell someone so I'm not carrying this alone."

I'm just an internet stranger, but I am happy to be one of those people as well, or to be a resource if you'd like, just message me if so :-)

7) Not everyone understands, or will try to understand, bipolar. Don't let their ignorance, willful or otherwise, get to you. If they want to learn, fantastic. Be gentle and encouraging with them. Try to not get defensive and take it as a personal attack. There is so, so much stigma about bipolar and stereotypes. People don't know I'm bipolar unless I tell them, and because I have done so much therapy and worked really hard to learn as many skills as I have, I'm a lot more balanced and steady than people who don't have anything - because I've had to just to try and keep up. In turn, once I also got my brain chemistry right I ended up ahead thanks to all the skills I learned just to be able to manage with messed up brain chemistry.

When you encounter those people who are hateful, walk away. You don't need or deserve that nonsense, and their ignorance and nastiness is their problem, not yours.

If a man judges you for what you did while manic before you were treated, you have 2 options. If he is open to learning about bipolar, see how it goes. If he is willing to learn and see that it is an illness and you have gotten on meds and learned how to control it, then great. If he can't trust you, labels you crazy, or thinks you're a slut, then next him so fast that his head spins. You will have enough challenges with this illness without having suspicion and toxicity from your partner in your life.

Find someone who understand bipolar, who will respect you when you say what you need if you're in a phase, who will encourage you to stay on your meds, be in therapy, take care of yourself (including self-care!!), and also still hold you responsible for your actions whether you're in a phase or not - because in the end, this illness is still ours, our actions are still ours, and we still have to take responsibility and be honest with both.

[deleted] · 2017-02-28T16:34:00+00:00

Don't cross that bridge until you come to it. Nothing you've done changes what your next steps should be on the path to self-improvement. If you're like many women here you'll never be asked about your sexual history, and if you are you just have to hope he's understanding. I think you're worrying about all this prematurely though. A decent mature man will honestly probably be more concerned about what it means to be with someone with managed bipolar than the number of people you've slept with.

SouthernAthena · 2017-03-01T00:34:09+00:00

I'm not bipolar but I do have a diagnosis of schizophreniform (basically short term schizophrenia). I didn't do anything sexual when I was psychotic, but I did do things I'm ashamed of. I'm working on forgiving myself because it really isn't your fault. Even though a high n-count is not good, be glad you don't have any STDs and didn't come out with anything more serious.

Just make sure you are getting treatment and you are honest with future partners. Some people will judge you but not everyone will, especially if they really understand mental illnesses. However, if I were looking for a partner and they had a mental illness, I would want them to be getting/seeking treatment. If they're not, it shows a lack of maturity and self awareness.

Banincoming · 2017-02-27T22:54:34+00:00

"I've only had 1 partner, except for that summer I had nonstop orgies with different strangers every night."

IndianaTrumpTrain · 2017-03-01T14:27:32+00:00

Yep. This type of woman I would avoid like the plague. Especially one that doesn't take accountability for her actions.

En-Zu · 2017-02-28T17:16:27+00:00

I'm trying to imagine how I'd react if I was your future boyfriend. Probably with intense suspicion about who I'm currently dating. Especially if she was doing freaky and degrading stuff that she doesn't do with me. If that's the case then I'd probably jump ship.

How much of a "different person" are people during a bipolar manic phase anyway? And why did this happen just now presuming you've had this disorder for awhile?

Title	Ashamed of my past
Author	ashamedpenguin
Upvotes	7
Comments	18
Date	February 26, 2017 6:58 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5wbown/ashamed_of_my_past/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/ashamed-of-my-past.87023 https://theredarchive.com/post/87023

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