Help me. Abused by GF. Coming out after 5 years

SSG11B · 2019-04-07T23:39:58+00:00

Your family wants to hear from you.

They will want to help.

It's hard to see how bad things are on the inside looking out, but on the outside looking in, i'm sure your friends and family were all hoping you would see what she is.

Good luck, and if you need anyone to talk to while you go through this, drop me a message.

I care.

fra_n_ff · 2019-04-07T23:39:34+00:00

I'm so sorry. Leave her as fast as you can. I feel sorry about the little girl, but we can't do much for her. But you need to leave that nightmare. Wake up. You can't love someone who abuses you constantly. :(

I can't really help you - but you aren't weak just because of your emotions. Good luck over there.

Reptilian_Brain_420 · 2019-04-08T02:35:09+00:00

If you really have $30 to your name and have been through bankruptcy, your business isn't worth shit to you. Drop it and get out of this mess now.

Go get a labor job somewhere, ANYTHING. Don't be attached to what you are used to right now because it is not going to end well for you.

As mentioned elsewhere here, talk to family. Really talk to them. Don't be afraid/ashamed to move in with family for a while if you need to.

sirhefflesworth · 2019-04-08T02:16:59+00:00

You have to find the strength to leave and not go back. As bad as things are now, they can get a lot worse. I know you're afraid and you have strong feelings for her, but taking any job and being away will be better than what you are dealing with now. Every day you waste in this relationship is a day you are not pursuing something better.

I left a woman like that over six years ago. When I broke up with her she attacked me with a pan, gave me a concussion, called the cops and had me arrested. I was charged with 4 felonies, thankfully all of which were dropped a month later. I'd go through all of that again to be out of it.

Leave, and no matter what she's does, what she breaks, just walk out. Better yet break it up once you have other living situations sorted out. You can always sue her later. Spend your time effort and money living the life you want to live. There are plenty of great people out there.

Psycho_the_Rapist_MD · 2019-04-08T02:44:58+00:00

Brother,

You need to cut and run as fast as you can. You only get one chance to enjoy life and it sounds like this woman is stopping you from doing it.

If you can afford it, leave her as soon as possible and get your own apartment. A studio with roommates if you have to. Or try going back to your family if you can. That might even be better if they'll let you crash for free for a few months.

I feel bad for the kid, but she isn't your legal responsibility assuming you didn't legally adopt her or anything.

At the very least, break off the engagement immediately. Nip that idea in the bud.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but you'll be a better man if you get away from that toxic environment. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Richwithabigdick · 2019-04-07T23:59:28+00:00

Listen just dump this weight. She is a boat anchor.

After 4.2 billion years of solar energy hitting this hot rock you have arrived. You are the dominant species on the planet and you are a HUNTER. You evolved to stalk prey, run it down, outsmart it, trap it, kill it, and then consume it after purifying it with fire.

It's time to act like it.

A man should be a force in this world that leaves a wake behind him.

You do not owe anyone on earth any explanation for why you choose to do the actions that you do. You are a man. Make your choices in life. Then stand by those choices good or bad.

You have now chosen to end this relationship. And let it be that. Tell her that the relationship is not working out and you both need to go your separate ways.

DO NOT get into a "but why, blah blah blah female hissy fit" with her. It will not do any good to have an emotional argument or meltdown.

Just end it.

Do it over the damn phone if you have to, then tell her you ain't coming back till she is out. Or get a new place. Have a friend go get your stuff.

Just drop her. Move on.

5 years. Cut your losses. Leave the craps table while you still have chips. There will always be other opportunities.

Women are easily replaceable.

megadude0809 · 2019-04-08T04:00:25+00:00

Fucking hell brother, I hate that this is happening man. Do not be embarrassed it is not your fault. This is totally on her.

First, I am going to take a stab in the dark and say that you are not actually in love with this woman (anymore), it sounds like you're experiencing Stockholm Syndrome. It's common between kidnappers and hostages but has also been described as happening in relationships such as yours. It's a type of survival mechanism. I wouldn't trust my feelings of love for her right now. This is something you will need to work out in therapy eventually.

Next, what she has done sounds like classic abuser behavior. She gets you by the balls by cutting you off from friends and family, and making you completely dependent on her; that way you have no choice but to remain with her. My suggestion is to call some family members, I would guess that they already know on some level and, despite what has happened between you in the past, would be willing to provide a place without you having to explain the situation. There are a number of resources you can contact to help you if you can't rely on them, google abuse shelters in your area.

Also, if there are any weapons in your place, GET RID OF THEM.

It sounds like you are not making any money from the business and she is keeping it all, at this point, I think any other job would provide more income than this one does. You need to start the process of separating yourself from her. Don't be afraid to make drastic changes my man, everyone gets cold feet, it's normal. Stepping out of your comfort zone is one of the hardest things to do but is definitely worth it. I think you're stronger than you realize. Shoot me a text if you need to talk.

Foundthisinthetoilet · 2019-04-08T05:37:36+00:00

Sounds a lot like she has borderline personality disorder. You’re not weak, I imagine you felt like a protector for quite a while before realising you had sacrificed yourself for her well being. Unfortunately, there really isn’t an end to how much she will take, as thousands upon thousands upon men are finding out all the time. Your situation is way more common than people will have you think, so don’t beat yourself up about it. It completely plays off your masculinity and need to protect the vulnerable at the expense of yourself.

I expect that your mum will want to help anyway that she can, although I understand how embarrassing it can feel to acknowledge the situation to a family member. Perhaps just reach out in a small way.

Getting out now is better than getting out at 40; you do have to get out of it, so do it as early as possible. When you do, see a psycho-therapist as soon you can afford it to speed your recovery and help you recover your old self.

You’ll be fine. Sorry, this has been a bit rushed as I’m late for work, but feel free to PM if you want any details on my own experiences and how much better my life is now. Good luck! You’ve done well so far.

GoldenSeakitty · 2019-04-08T02:52:37+00:00

My heart goes out to you. No one should have to go through the things you’ve gone through. I wish I could give something more than to tell you to reach out to someone, be it your family, your friends, or join a support group once you reach your big city. As cliche as it may sound, a burden shared can be a burden halved.
You have already made a great first step by posting this. Good luck on the rest of your journey.

hiyoudude · 2019-04-08T04:15:53+00:00

My heart and prayers go out to you. You are in good company here, and your situation sounds very abusive. You can make it forward and some professional support can really help.

Many cities have domestic violence agencies that offer free counseling as well as other services. Look into it.

With a little time and continued support you can make it through this. I am a man and a survivor of a similar situation like yours.

SilentForestRaider · 2019-04-08T04:46:53+00:00

We are here for you. You might not always see us, jut know we are here for you.

nO0f · 2019-04-08T05:34:36+00:00

Check out r/narcissism.

I don't know if she was a narcissist. If she is then it's a really good community that has helped me a lot.

gbBaku · 2019-04-08T06:24:57+00:00

Well, time to say goodbye to crazy. If you are not married, if you don't have kids together, you are getting off easy. This is especially if she doesn't live in your house you own, which sounds like you aren't.

This is textbook long term emotional abuse you are describing. People grow attached to their abusers, always believing it will end, the honey period always comes and makes you believe it's all right. It's not. Break the cycle.

GendhisKhan · 2019-04-08T10:48:03+00:00

Hey man. I went through something very similar. I'm sorry to say it but you won't get you back till your leave. I know how hard that advice (to leave) is to take, it took me about 8 months from the first "I'm leaving" to the last. It's the same for a lot of people in abusive relationships. Don't worry if it takes you time to get out, just cause you might not be there yet doesn't mean you won't be.

Re feeling yourself again. It begins once you leave. There'll be a lot of healing to do and pain to deal with, but you will notice you becoming how you used to be again. I'm coming up to a year out and finally feel like I'm finishing the journey (therapy probably speeds things up here, I didn't go).

You'll doubt if she's abusive, like you've said. Trust that she is, and that you'll recognise how much so after you get some time and distance.

I'm still super embarrassed about what I went through and ashamed of putting up with it for so long and letting it get so far but that is what it is. Would rather feel that, than how I felt still being in. And no-one I've talked to about it since has judged me for it, that's just myself (and is probably what therapy would be good for).

MrPeanutButterCup · 2019-04-08T10:56:02+00:00

I don't really know what to say or do other than try your best to get yourself out of that relationship, i understand the love you hold but it may only strive from the daughter of your partner and the fact that you love the daughter (as a father figure), you may be subconsciously be connecting that because you love the daughter, you love the mother because to me it sounds like you have no love for the mother even though you think you do.

I mean no offence and do not wish to be rude but that's how it has come off to me, all i can really wish for is that you get out as fast as you humanly can and find help in those you once trusted.

Get well.

matrixislife · 2019-04-08T15:02:26+00:00

Get out. As soon as possible. Just move out. Don't keep in touch, break off contact. If people ask why you have done this refer then to this post and leave it at that. You can start making your own life once you are clear, but you won't be able to improve your life until you have got away from the most appalling part of it.

It might be an idea to let your local PD know that you have moved out, and that you expect some backlash in the form of false accusations. Ideally it would be great if you could get them to visit her after you move out, but before she realises it so they can see that she is perfectly ok and has no basis for any accusations. Cover your back as best possible but no matter what get out.

AlexndruID · 2019-04-08T03:57:32+00:00

Run, Forest, Run!

DaNewb360 · 2019-04-08T04:16:52+00:00

Start contacting your family again, don’t let her know. Go to the police if she has physically abused you, save another man from her, stand strong but leave as fast as you can if things get bad.

rationalthought314 · 2019-04-08T05:37:38+00:00

Your family will never abandon you. It's obvious this woman has doing nothing positive except give you the feeling go being loved but she has no concept of what love is. She's the female equivalent of meth - giving you momentary bits of euphoria in return for a ruined life. You need to break the addiction and cut her completely from your life.

As for the daughter, she can be easily turned by her mother and this has happened to a lot of step dads who find their step kids especially daughters doing a 180 in their teens or 20s and all those years of love go out the window like they never happened.

GrapeCulture69 · 2019-04-08T06:49:08+00:00

Start a new bank account that she doesn't have access to and start sending your income to it. Take her off of your credit cards or take yourself off mutual ones. Separate phone plans. Separate anything you two share financially. Do it all asap. Then prepare for break up however you think is best. Always protect you finances first or she will leave you homeless. Guaranteed.

internaloofage · 2019-04-08T13:33:40+00:00

Hey man, I’m just a 15 year old kid, but I’ve got to say, this takes balls. You opening up about this is the first step to bettering your life, I know it may seem hard to come to terms with it, but this is the first step towards the right direction. Nobody should have to put up with that, I wish you the best of luck.

wokeless_bastard · 2019-04-08T15:29:38+00:00

Dude, I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. You are not weak, you are beat down... there is a difference. Just understanding what the hell is happening is the greatest way to break free of the abuse. Definitely check out behaviors of narcissists and how to free yourself... there is some great advice on the page already.

What really helped me is realizing that my abuser was using my love for them as a weapon against me... and was the reason for the emotional merry-go round. She doesn’t love you, you are her narc supply.

I highly suggest you contact people who have been through this before, either on this site or in person. Other people who have experienced this help you realize you are not weak and will help you with foreknowledge about this behavior... cause the crazy part is that, although it seems bizarre to you, all these abusers follow the same pattern... and once you learn it, they just seem so pathetic.

chain-gang-desperate · 2019-04-08T16:10:36+00:00

Your prime peaks at 38, get out while you are still able. Your mind is not broken, I'm glad you are searching and planning. Your spirit and body are broken. Change your actions change your thoughts.

For your own sake I hope you stash away 3 months expenses (emergency fund - thanks r-personal finance). Acquire access to your vehicle and gtfo.

It is ironic how this is similar advice given to battered women in situations like this. I feel for you man, god bless good luck.

Ex0tictoxic · 2019-04-08T16:41:58+00:00

Your Family will be vital to getting you back on track. Remember that firstly. I'm sure they want to hear from you and help you. Second, make sure you know what you're getting yourself into when you leave. If you are under legal contracts with her (civil partnership, marriage, etc.) you may have to prepare yourself to get a settlement through the court or through the law. If this is the case be careful, and seek legal advice from a professional.

Good on you for finally raising your standard. Remember to think this out with your head, not necessarily with your heart. I think it is clear leaving her is the best thing for you - however that is not to say starting a new life will be easy. If you need anything, no matter what it is, feel free to PM me and I'll try and help you as best as possible. Keep us updated.

EDIT: Good luck.

That90sGuyMedia · 2019-04-08T23:38:46+00:00

(20 M)
My God...
I... I suffered emotional abuse at the hands of my ex, but this... This is something else entirely.

Please, for all that is holy, get in contact with your family and friends. Talk to them. If it comes down to it, go back to your mother's place. This woman has purposely manipulated you to make you reliant on her, for whatever sick fantasy she enjoys, and she is using your fear to keep you in one place. She doesn't love you, not at all, she only views you as an object. And I think she has purposely fucked with you to keep you wrapped around her finger. You may love her, but she sure as hell doesn't love you.

If you truly have basically nothing to your name, drop it and get out of there. It doesn't matter where, but I would suggest your parent's - now mother's - home. She's your mother and should be open to you, especially if she knows what this monster of a woman is doing to you.

As for the kid, I really don't know what to say. Perhaps your mother can help you gain custody or something, I don't know. The courts will always back up the woman, because of the "women are wonderful" effect, so expect to have one hell of an uphill legal battle if you want to pursue that route.

Otherwise, dude, this woman is determine to kill you by draining your very lifeforce. I know that sounds ridiculous, but its true. You need to get out. For you life, for your sanity, and for your very being. Unfortunately, at your age, it's not gonna be possible to restart life altogether, but you can do your best to pick up the pieces and try to live normally. It's not going to be easy, and you will be tempted to go back because it will provide you with some sort of structure in life, but you have to muster the strength not to.

Please, if you need to talk to anyone, send me something.

Scoopable · 2019-04-09T16:38:08+00:00

Been there! Sadly had a daughter with her, guess what?!?!?! My daughter is a tool to be used by her to attack me, which is fucking child abuse!

Leave! Than do me a favour, invest in yourself for a bloody year, figure out who you are, when your lonely figure out what keeps you smiling and not feeling alone.

I didn't do any of that after my daughter's mother and I seperated and stupidly found myself in yet another toxic relationship, one that made me say "fuck this, rather be homeless" and guess what, I did it!

Worse experience in my life? Nah 3rd worse experience, she was definitely the worse. Her kid? I know those heart strings! Not your problem, and yeah, that may eat away at you but my internet stranger.... Not your problem! (Unless you have witnessed abuse to the child, call whoever you have to in your country)

Call your friends, call your family, invest in yourself.

ExcellentTraffic123 · 2019-04-09T22:41:34+00:00

>I just want ME back. I feel like I’m dying inside if I stay in this relationship. At the same time, afraid that at 35 my life is over if I break with her and try to start fresh. This might be a part of how she had manipulated me.

Everyone else has been giving you some validation and giving you the obvious advice to GTFO.

I'd like to add something else.

My understanding is that oftentimes, people have a disposition to stay in abusive relationships because they have mental health issues stemming from previous abuse or neglect, especially emotional neglect.

"Emotional neglect" is key here. You could have grown up with a family, school, and community where your every need for sustenance was cared for, where you always had a roof over your head, and yet you didn't feel safe and cared for emotionally.

I learned a lot about this by reading posts along with the official reading material on /r/cptsd. The community on that particular sub is amazingly supportive, and the interesting thing is that many people stick their toe in the door saying that they relate to everything that is said there, and yet they think that they were never abused or traumatized.

The material I learned their helped me learn to "reparent" myself (to use their lingo) so that I could let go of so many nasty feelings as if I deserve bad things in my life.

I strongly suspect you'll relate.

TL;DR; If you want "ME" back, the resources on /r/cptsd may be very useful.

Now get away from that crazy person who is hurting you!

yabadabbadoo00oo · 2019-04-12T02:26:19+00:00

I highly encourage you to start therapy if you haven't so you will feel strong when going thru the breakup process. She will likely make it very difficult on you and having an expert on your side will make you that much stronger. And good for you for being the kind of man that isnt afraid to reach out- so many men suffer and dont get help.. When you deal with it for so long it eats at you and can eventually turn you cold. So thank yourself for having enough self awareness and self love to say "enough is enough, I'm getting out of and im going to ask for help".

KneeDeepThought · 2019-04-08T01:11:02+00:00

Thanks for your bravery in sharing this bro- you can get through this and I promise better days are ahead. You are being abused and you need to get out. Get your ducks in a row and bug out asap. Sleeping in your back seat in a parking lot would be better for you than living with this woman. Protect yourself from false allegations if you need to, don't let her tear up your passport or birth cert (although they can be replaced), be ready to record her if she starts getting violent.

If I were you I would seriously consider getting a restraining order down at the police station which will force her out of the house. But at that point the fuse it lit and she will come at you full force. It's better to cut clean and ghost if possible but if things get hairy it will literally be a race to the courthouse/PD.

You'll be ok. I can't describe the amazing feeling of freedom you will experience when you don't have to worry about this bully controlling your life any longer. It's worth the high price of getting out.

FirmIncome6 · 2019-04-09T06:15:28+00:00

My god she is a horrible person. The more I wake up to how much she has kept me in a cycle of abuse, the worse she gets. It’s so insulting and degrading. I find myself daily scratching my head over “why would anyone treat me this way”. She just told me tonight (regarding my hero father who died 2 years ago) “there’s no such thing as magic. It’s all just about sex. There was no magic with your dad. It just appeared that way because he had money.” This is one of the most insulting things she has ever said to me. My deceased father (who was a wonderful man) was nothing special?!!! When he was dying of cancer he was still drawing cartoons daily for my girlfriend’s daughter! My dad didn’t even really know her and showed her more love than her own deadbeat father. I still don’t have the power to completely get out, but I’m getting things in order ASAP. This is the same woman who has told me twice today that she loves me. I’m just trying to live a god damned life and somehow I’m always the person who has “ruined” my girlfriends day/life/morning/Saturday, whatever it is. I ruin everything apparently. I’m so disgusted that I have lived with this person for 5 years and let myself fall for her this deep. It’s so maddening knowing that it’s still going to take some time to get out of this. Not saying that my dad is anymore important than anyone else’s, but he was very magic/special to me. Magic is a huge part of my life, and my girlfriend knows this very well. For her to repeatedly say over and over again “there is no magic. Your dad was nothing special other than he was good looking and had money.” My Dad was seriously the kindest man I’ve ever known, and I’m not just saying that because he was my dad. I pale in comparison to his compassion and kindness!

Had to vent. This woman is really hurting me.

FirmIncome6 · 2019-04-08T03:17:19+00:00

Look, this statement may not be welcome here in this reddit, but man the fuck up bro. Confront her on this issue, and tell her how you feel. I'm sure your mother misses you, and I know you have been with her awhile, but this definitely isn't it chief. It sounds like your life and your success has been haulted entirely because of this woman and her unacceptable behavioral issues. If she isn't going to treat you right, leave her. When it comes to relationships, single is better than abuse.

Title	Help me. Abused by GF. Coming out after 5 years
Author	FirmIncome6
Upvotes	135
Comments	90
Date	April 7, 2019 11:11 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/bamfvk/help_me_abused_by_gf_coming_out_after_5_years/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/help-me-abused-by-gf-coming-out-after-5-years.880150 https://theredarchive.com/post/880150

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