Is there any duty to have sex in a committed monogamous relationship?

bufedad · 2019-04-03T09:46:59+00:00

One person doesn't get to force celibacy on another.

It is not abusive to leave a relationship that doesn't meet your needs

iainmf · 2019-04-03T10:47:07+00:00

On the other hand, withholding sex/affection is also considered a form of abuse.

So there's your conundrum.

Kanonizator · 2019-04-03T12:39:00+00:00

Should there be any duty to have sex in a relationship

Absolutely, in both ways. When you demand that a person does not have sex with anyone else but you, you also accept the responsibility that comes with it, ie. that you have to fulfill that person's intimate needs. If you're not willing to do that don't start monogamous relationships.

Doesn't considering "threatening to leave a relationship to get sex" to be abusive prevent people from discussing their sexual needs and negotiating on how to meet them?

There's nothing abusive about stating your wants or needs, or even putting them in the form of an ultimatum if they're not met for a prolonged period of time. The idea that it's abusive is of course a female weapon for those women who want to control their partners through sex. Relationships are not mandatory, so "threatening to leave" is an absurd notion in itself. If you're unhappy in a relationship it is absolutely your prerogative to leave, that's the normal thing to do. The notion of "threatening to leave" is built on the idea that you owe it to the other party to stay and telling them you will leave if your needs aren't met is some form of abuse. This is insane.

And of course feminists know this is insane because it would never occur to them that a woman saying her needs are not met is abuse directed at her partner. They only ever say things like this when the roles are reversed. Classic hypocrisy and double standard.

is it legitimate to give up on sex, while having no intention to leave the relationship?

You do what you want to do, or at the very least what you find acceptable. If your sex drive is pretty low and you couldn't care less about having sex in your LTR, well, more power to you. If you want to have sex but your partner doesn't then you either cheat, or leave, those are the only 2 sane options. Staying in an LTR where your needs are deliberately ignored is torture, and someone who loves you wouldn't put you through it. It's a lot less uncomfortable for someone in an LTR to have sex when they don't really want it than going without intimacy for months or years while desperately needing it. The latter can cause severe psychological damage, the former is a mild inconvenience. Or if having sex is that bad for one party the relationship is doomed anyways, why on Earth would you keep on living with someone who literally hates the idea of caring about your emotional or physical needs?

AskingToFeminists · 2019-04-03T13:21:25+00:00

You're asking here why? what opinion are you expecting? The right thing to do is tell your partner you aren't satisfied with your sex life and work your way up, "I'm not happy, and want to end it if things don't change" That being said if a girl is able bodied and stops having sex the second the ink dries on the marriage certificate, I don't feel an ounce of compassion for her.

Daddie0 · 2019-04-03T14:14:32+00:00

Never settle for duty sex. If it happens once in a while OK, but if it's 99% of the time where a blow up doll would show more enthusiasm, you have a serious problem.

This is not from me, but advice I found a few years back:

You calmly and seriously say, "I am not going to accept cohabitation with a person that is not going to be fully engaged in an intimate relationship. I will no longer be made to feel bad for having normal, natural, healthy human needs and desires. I will not be made to feel bad for desiring an affectionate and sexual relationship and I will not accept nor tolerate it. These are basic human needs and I am worthy of them and deserve a life of having my needs met. If you're not willing nor able to participate in that, just tell me now and stop wasting my time, I'll find someone who is willing and able to be a fully participating member of a healthy intimate relationship. You are welcome to a part of the solution, but I will not allow you to continue to be part of the problem. Either get all in, or get all out, but stop wasting my time."

Now, only say this if you are strong enough to truly mean it and are ready to walk away and start over. If you draw this line in the sand and then don't stand firmly at it's edge and hold yourself and her accountable to it, then you're even worse off. You can't be a weak pussy with this, you have to be ready, willing, and able to go scorched earth and not look back. That takes a lot of work, self respect, and self confidence to be in a place of strength where you're ready to improve your life with or without her with no hesitation because she may say "fuck you, I'm out." And at this point, if she does you haven't lost anything. I was at a point where either way, I won.

lord_dark_hobnob · 2019-04-03T11:33:51+00:00

https://www.theguardian.com/law/2019/apr/03/english-judge-says-man-having-sex-with-wife-is-fundamental-human-right

rabel111 · 2019-04-03T23:41:39+00:00

Given the recent decision by the American Psychology Association (APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Men and Boys 2018) to only view men in a feminist construct (i.e. inevitably exerting dominance and power over women through patriachy and male privilege), any attempt to seek marraige or relationship counselling will be framed in terms of dominance and control, and may be used in courts as evidence of domestic violence. Men seeking counselling for relationship issues with women are exposing themselves to substantial risks.

tenchineuro · 2019-04-03T13:09:15+00:00

Technically, if you don't have sex at least once, I believe the marriage can be annulled. It's as if it never happened.

Mythandros · 2019-04-03T17:24:37+00:00

I consider physical intimacy/sex to be a normal part of an adult relationship.

If that is being held hostage or not being delivered on, it is normal to express your desire for it.

If it continues to be held hostage/not delivered upon, I will leave that relationship, especially if monogamy is expected.

Lion_amongst_gods · 2019-04-03T18:06:24+00:00

The point of having a committed monogamous relationship is to satisfy each other's sexual needs. If there's significant difference in said needs, medical or psychological help may be sought to the satisfaction of both the members. It is natural to lose interest in sex due to old age or other conditions, but I don't think it's appropriate otherwise.

If anything and everything is perceived as non-consensual, it is not a relationship then. If one agrees to sex if and only if one wants, it's a business transaction.

Or if the differences in the needs become so significant, the partners can go their separate ways without hurting each other.

Dmaned11123 · 2019-04-04T18:05:06+00:00

Legally as the male you’re in a tough spot.

You cannot force a woman (or anyone to have sex). Furthermore the withholding of sex could be argued, is not abusive as the woman didn’t do so in order to abuse the husband.

Your best bet is to go to couples counseling (schedule it yourself to make sure the court knows it was you who was trying to save the marriage.

PM_me_ur_swimsuit · 2019-04-03T09:51:56+00:00

If you threaten to leave in order to get your partner to have sex they don't want that's coercive rape. They might not say no or fight it, but they don't want it and that's fucked up.

No one, in a relationship with you or not, has any "duty" to have sex with you. If you're thinking of sex as an obligation then you've already gone into some really fucked up territory mentally speaking.

If you explain your wants and needs to your partner in order to find a way to make things work that's cool. The thing is you have to accept that you may have to end the relationship to really find what you want.

I know personally that I can't be in a monogamous relationship without a regular sexual component being involved somehow and I'll gladly leave to go find it with someone else. I didn't threaten her I would leave, I just did after we couldn't find a compromise.

Title	Is there any duty to have sex in a committed monogamous relationship?
Author	AskingToFeminists
Upvotes	18
Comments	47
Date	April 3, 2019 9:41 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/b8vu02/is_there_any_duty_to_have_sex_in_a_committed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/is-there-any-duty-to-have-sex-in-a-committed.880469 https://theredarchive.com/post/880469

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