Studies say 1 in 3 women have been raped or sexually assaulted, so if you are a woman and haven’t either been raped or stood with a dear friend and helped carry the pain of her rape, you are in the minority. You are the lucky few. In my case almost every woman I know from a big city or college campus has been effected directly or indirectly by rape or sexual assault. The Stanford case was not some sad and shocking outlier, this is the female experience. Verdicts like this set a precedent, and send a message to men and women that it’s not that big of a deal, and it’s ok if a woman is asleep or unconscious for a male to go ahead and help himself to her vagina, and if he’s caught in the act, it’s his future we are more concerned with. This problem is not alcohol or party culture. The problem is that our society has accepted “that’s just the way things are” when it comes to sexual violence against women and too often refrains from punishing men for partaking in it. Nonconsensual sex (aka Rape) has become normalized, accepted, balked at, excused, gone unpunished, silenced and shifted blame to the ones it hurts the most, that is what “Rape Culture” is. It’s things like “boys will be boys” and teaching women to not get raped instead of teaching men to not rape, which then shifts the blame to the woman if she gets raped.

Women reading this already get this, and we’ve been protecting ourselves from, healing from, supporting, and fighting for each other where we can, but we need more men stepping up with us if there is going to be real change. To the good men out there, how you can help: When this topic comes up don’t defend yourselves, defend us instead. By you recognizing that this is part of the female experience, we can build a foundation of empathy, trust, and action. If a woman deems you safe enough to share her story with, be a man who LISTENS; she’s already dealing with the lack of safety in a culture who doesn’t support her, don’t add to that. Be brave enough to have these conversations with other men and stick up for the women in your life. If you see something, do something - be the Stanford heroes on the bicycles who actively intervened when they saw what was going on. In general, do something - be the teacher on college campuses who is teaching young men about what consent is and isn’t (WP article in comments). Be the politician who wrote the poignant open letter (AND READ IT! http://bzfd.it/1UKFDj7). But most importantly be the guy who respects a woman’s boundaries when she lays them, who communicates and respects her as a human being and not an object to fulfill his desires, and who doesn’t make a move without clear and intentional consent. That is the most sexy. Sex between two consenting adults is amazing, it’s the best, but when that is stolen, it destroys people. We can change this, but we have to do it together.

To the women who are reading this who are struggling with their own battles regarding their stories and what our culture tells you about yourself: someone forcing sex upon you without your open consent is NEVER ok. No matter who you are, where you are, what you were wearing, how much you had to drink, what profession you are in. You don’t have to blame yourself and fight the pain, confusion, and shame alone. You are not alone. You are strong. I stand with you