Amicable Divorce?

MyNewNormal808 · 2021-01-08T21:02:52+00:00

I just went thought an "amicable" divorce. I mean that we can still talk to each other (not friends though). The initial plan was for us to meet and discuss what we wanted and come up and fill out the divorce decree template that we had. Afterward we would show it to our lawyers to make sure that we weren't screwing each other out of something. That didn't work.

After a few sessions, her lawyer convinced the ex that she was too nice and would give up too much. After that I received a draft divorce decree in the mail with a note saying sign it or go to court. I was mad and went to the ex and said WTF, this wasn't the plan. She said that she turned everything over to her lawyer and that if I wanted changes I need to to send them to her. So I did. We did this for about 3 rounds in order to get to the final agreement. I paid about $800 in lawyer fees since I just consulted with him about the decree. She paid way more since she burned through the $5K retainer fee and I'm sure she had to pay for every time the lawyer would do up a draft of the decree and mail it to me. The funny thing was except for child custody arrangements (I wanted 50/50 and got every other weekend) and another issue, I got most of what I wanted. I think a large part is that she felt guilty knowing that I wanted to reconcile and was doing a lot to better myself, etc. Still, I could have fought for those 2 issues, but decided that I would spend more trying to fight for it than if I just lived with it. The second issue involved paying for something. I figure, it's just money. I had enough to cover it and I have a good job and could make more money later. Why drag out the divorce and poison the relationship with the ex over money.

Key things to remember. 1) Lawyers will fill your STBXW with ideas of "you deserve ____ (money, kids, property, etc.)" 2) Lawyers notes to you will be full of threatening language to get you to sign quickly. Having your lawyer to interpret and help you figure out what's real and what's bluffing is key. 3) Try not to confuse the lawyer's words for your ex's (at least in my case, my ex is a really nice person which made the lawyer's words and threats more painful to me) 4) Everything is negotiable. Know what you want and will die on your sword for. Also have things that you what, but will negotiate for the must haves. I signed over the house in order to keep my military & civil retirements. It was a good deal since the ex just let me know that house needs a lot of repairs (its on you baby). 5) Keep the divorce negotiations away from the kids. We both agreed that we would work for what's best for the kids. That means time with both parents, good communications (even though we don't talk, just text), and trusting that we aren't doing things to be malicious toward each other. So far its worked. Good luck brother.

Bonersfollie · 2021-01-08T19:36:25+00:00

I guess I should clarify what I meant by advice or words of wisdom. I want to know how you dealt with the emotions and how you and the ex worked together then -> now and how you kept it all amicable

life_is_short1 · 2021-01-08T19:22:40+00:00

If you’re in Ontario, I can recommend a certified financial planner that is a mediator who only does divorce. That’s the route that my soon to be ex and I went because it is amicable. I hired a lawyer for one hour to ask prepared questions about my rights. And then have to get the lawyer to go over the separation agreement with me before it can be signed. That’s the law here in Canada.

This is a lot cheaper than going the lawyer route. However we don’t have young children as our children are all grown. I wanted the financial expertise because we are older and have a variety of assets. Good luck to you.

Cloud4All · 2021-01-10T23:45:19+00:00

There is no amicable divorce, mark my words and lawyer up.

itszulutime · 2021-01-11T05:46:33+00:00

Here is my amicable divorce. We agreed to get a divorce. Two kids, I was employed while she was not. Went to the state calculator and figured out how much I owed in child support. Added up all our assets and debts and I drained my 401K and refinanced the house to buy her out and give her a paid-off vehicle. She didn’t want the house; I did and could afford the mortgage payment. We did everything without lawyers. We agreed that our kids were the most important consideration, and we would do whatever we could to make things as easy on them as possible.

It helped having someone who wasn’t hell-bent on screwing me, or trying to hurt me by trying to take kids away, etc....we had times where being civil to each other was tough, but we came through it amicably; our kids are mostly happy, and we have moved in with our lives. Seeing the line “child support - involuntary” on my paystub hurts, especially when $$ is tight hurts, but I won’t starve and neither will she whether she works or not....and the kids will always be okay.

sicrm · 2021-01-08T19:10:45+00:00

talk to a lawyer and figure out what you’re willing to give to get it done and what’s a no go.

if custody/child support is a big issue, consider a DNA test. not saying she cheated but if she did and it’s not yours, things become a lot easier.

good luck

2021-01-09T03:11:28+00:00

The ship sort of sailed on amicable when,you cheated on your wife. Anyhow, the best thing you can do is be as fair as you can financially ( you’ll always make more money) and be,the best dad you can be. Also don’t lie about what you did. It just makes it more difficult. Learn to forgive yourself and be a good dad and ex.

Title	Amicable Divorce?
Author	Bonersfollie
Upvotes	3
Comments	13
Date	January 8, 2021 6:56 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/kt917o/amicable_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/amicable-divorce.817576 https://theredarchive.com/post/817576

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